- Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] Hey, if I'm gonna die you better be right behind me or I will haunt your kitchen cabinets til the day you die!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [to Craig] Man, I'm really sorry
- Carlton Lassiter: I'm not! There is no excuse for letting those men get the jump on you and putting those civilians at risk. At the very least, you should be bleeding to death from a bullet wound taken while trying to stop their escape.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Come on Lassiter, there's no reason to kick a man when he's already down.
- Carlton Lassiter: That's exactly when a man should be kicked because that's the only way he learns. The nuns taught me that.
- Craig: Hey, look man, I owe you an apology for the way I treated you back there. I just assumed y'all was just a couple of punk-ass friends from grade school that liked to get theyself in different situations and then riff on things at other people's expense, you know?
- Shawn Spencer: Pish, no.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Pish, no.
- Shawn Spencer: Couldn't be further from the truth.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's the wrong truth.
- Henry Spencer: Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands.
- Shawn Spencer: Got it. We're gonna have to take matters into our own hands.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Are you sure that's what your dad said?
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn't broken. By the time the cops arrive, these prisoners will be half-way from here to the Pacific Ocean.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Half-way from here to the Pacific Ocean IS the Pacific Ocean.
- Shawn Spencer: Can you imagine lugging around all that dough? You have any idea how much a million in cash must weigh?
- [pauses]
- Shawn Spencer: Seriously, do you?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's not that much, Shawn. It's like a hundred "a hundred" stacks. It probably weighs as much as a pumpkin.
- Shawn Spencer: Agree to disagree.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Then why did you ask?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Hey, man, what are you doin' here?
- Craig: I had to come in to give my statement to Detective Lassiter.
- Shawn Spencer: That explains the long face.
- [pauses]
- Shawn Spencer: I know dealing with Lassie can be very unpleasant, like crawling over broken glass or any kind of surgery.
- Craig: No that's not really it. The warden called.
- [pause]
- Craig: He fired me.
- Shawn Spencer: What? Why?
- Craig: Two dangerous convicts escaped on my watch.
- Shawn Spencer: Come on, I'm sure a snafu like that's happened at the prison before.
- Craig: First time.
- Shawn Spencer: Ooh. In that case...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, this is Dan Carter and his brother Carl.
- D.C.: Hola, Shawn. You can call me D.C.
- C.C.: And me C.C.
- Shawn Spencer: No, ho. Ha, ha. Well, that's cute. In order to reduce carbon emissions you guys ask people not to use your first names.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn! You have to forgive my friend Shawn. He's not very environmentally conscious.
- D.C.: It's OK, Gus. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
- Shawn Spencer: Before you go black Al Gore on me, you should know that your seasickness patch fell off.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Ok, first of all, black Al Gore was your Halloween costume, not mine, and secondly, my seasick patch is right here...
- Shawn Spencer: Here we go. Let's get you to a bathroom.
- Henry Spencer: This is Henry Spencer.
- Shawn Spencer: Dad, listen up and listen carefully. Gus and I are on a ferry for some ridiculous environmental cleanup.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Do not editorialize, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: Why don't you let the women and children and men go?
- Sanders: Why don't you shut up?
- Shawn Spencer: All right.
- Shawn Spencer: All right. What happened?
- Craig: I-I don't know. Shoot! One minute, I'm checking the stalls after they finished. Next thing I know, got a knot on my head, waking up in this-this closet.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Dude, where's your gun?
- Craig: Oh, they probably turned it in for some books at the local community center. Where you think it's at, man?
- Craig: Did you see Friday?
- Shawn Spencer: Are you kidding me?
- [Imitating Chris Tucker]
- Shawn Spencer: Mama!
- [slapping hand]
- Shawn Spencer: Mamaaa! Man, you just got knocked the...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Wow, really Shawn?
- Craig: All right, listen. You gotta come at these guys hard if you want them to respect you, okay? No silliness. No random movie references.
- Shawn Spencer: This is just like Collateral! Except I'm Jamie Foxx and you're Tom Cruise. You're Cruise!
- Craig: You finished? You sure?
- Shawn Spencer: Oh yeah, man.