Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel (2010)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [Slapping his own ass on Charlie's bed, pretending to be having sex with a girl]  Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

  Jake Harper : [Walks in]  Unfortunately, you are.

• Alan Harper : Do you have any idea how long it would take me to earn that kind of money?

  Charlie Harper : Oh, don't think like that. You're never gonna earn that kind of money!

• Charlie Harper : [Removes his sunglasses, revealing bruised eyes]  Bar fight.

  Alan Harper : Oh, no! What happened?

  Charlie Harper : Some bikers were giving a stripper a hard time, so I jumped in.

  Alan Harper : You're kidding.

  Charlie Harper : You know me. I can't stand to see a naked, high-heeled, glitter-covered, Ping-Pong-ball-shooting woman in distress!

• Alan Harper : [Signing a check]  "Alan Jerome Harper, D.C."

  Jake Harper : District of Columbia?

• Jake Harper : You're cheap.

  Alan Harper : I'm not cheap, I'm broke!

• Alan Harper : Bartender, drinks for everybody!

  [Everyone in the bar cheers] 

  Alan Harper : Just house brands.

• Gretchen : You're very talented.

  Alan Harper : No, no, no. Billy Joel was very talented. I'm just a piano man.

• Alan Harper : [Admiring his toothbrush moustache in his reflection]  You know, it's actually not a bad look. Shame one guy had to ruin it for everybody.

• Berta : I've been down and out. I've lost everything. Didn't know where my next meal was coming from. Felt like I was all alone in the world. No friends. Nobody who gave a damn whether I lived or died.

  Alan Harper : What'd you do?

  Berta : The first thing I did was pick myself up, dust myself off, and rat out my ex-boyfriend to the Feds.

  Alan Harper : You're kidding!

  Berta : Got a $2,500 reward from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms. Took that and invested it in a pallet of counterfeit Jordache jeans. Set up a booth at the Rose Bowl swap meet. Made a killing!

  Alan Harper : Really?

  Berta : Took those profits and opened up a little doughnut shop across the street from the police station. Can't miss, right?

  [Alan nods] 

  Berta : Turns out, cops don't like paying for doughnuts. Lost my ass. Had to go to work cleaning toilets for strangers.

  Alan Harper : What's the point of this story?

  Berta : I just wanted you to know I've had a colorful past.