Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

My Pet Monster (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : So the statue decides to turn Max into a monster because... derp-a-dee-doo.

• Nostalgia Critic : Is it worth seeing? No. Are we going to? Yes.

• Nostalgia Critic : What is up with this kid that constantly sucking Bernie's dick? It's like the Kevin Eubanks of little white children. In fact, look at that. He was about to cop a feel. I swear to God, he was about to cop a feel.

• Nostalgia Critic : So if you were a little kid like I was, you were obviously very disappointed by this point, but fuck it, it's better watching this than going outside or learning something.

• Nostalgia Critic : So the film starts out oddly enough as a video game. Strange, seeing as how My Pet Monster was everything BUT a video game. But hey, Nintendo just came out and we're ready to whore out to anything.

• Nostalgia Critic : Wow, I'd call that incredibly racist if I could figure out what race they were trying to offend.

• Nostalgia Critic : He forces Max to put himself in a cage or else... he'll hold his sister's hand tightly. Why doesn't he just eat the fucker?

• Nostalgia Critic : I also like the fact they dress up Max like a dog again to get inside and yet nobody at the dog show - a fucking dog show - can tell he's not a dog! Even Stevie Wonder with his nose blocked, his fingers in his ears, and trapped in a box could tell that he's not a dog!

• [last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What was the director thinking? What was the idea behind this? In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out!

  [dials phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking with the ending of My Pet Monster! In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general?... Um, I don't know what I was expecting! I mean I... Yeah, yeah, I saw the cover. I still rented it... Yeah, I watched it willingly... No, I'm not babysitting anybody. I, uh... I'm 28... Well, it's, um, it's kinda my job. I, uh... Yeah, I, uh... watch children's programming and tell people what I think online. Uh-huh... I'm very happy that you pity me... Yeah, we're done. We're done. Um, just, uh, thank you for your time and sorry to have inconvenienced you. Okay, bye.

  [hangs up] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... and I gotta think a few things through.

• Nostalgia Critic : Today, we're definitely gonna go back, practically into your sub-conscience. I want you to remember when you were a little kid walking through the video store and you came across... this.

  [holding up the videotape cover for "My Pet Monster", the live-action movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't act like you haven't seen this video. Every kid in the '80s has. It was in EVERY video store you could imagine. And SOME OF US were unfortunate enough to RENT it. PRAY for those people, my friend. PRAY for those people!

• Nostalgia Critic : My Pet Monster was a hit toy in the 1980s, and it was awesome. Mostly because it was the only doll that boys could play with without looking like a pussy. I mean, come on, a monster that's a pet? What boy's not going to love that? One of the big gimmicks was that he had orange chains that you could break, but we found out later that it was made of plastic and Velcro, you fucking liars, but nevertheless, the doll was awesome. Sometime later, they made a cartoon show that was based on the doll, but that has nothing to do with this. This an hour-long made for TV movie that was trying to cash in on their product as quickly as possible. And trust me, it shows. Is it worth seeing? No. Are we going to? Yes. This is "My Pet Monster".

• Nostalgia Critic : I mean, what's the point if you're going through all the work to make the monster on the cover look like the toy if you're not gonna make the monster in the movie look like the toy? I mean, what's the pur...

  [looks closer at the VHS box] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God... It is the fucking toy! They just put the toy on the fucking cover. I never noticed it before, but look, it's the plastic chains, the cheap fur, it's the fucking toy. That means they were so ashamed to show the real monster from this movie that they just decided to switch it with the toy.

  [drops the VHS box] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, let me get this straight: the children's plaything that you can get at Toys "R" Us for like $15 is a better special effect than this animatronic Chuck E. Cheese NIGHTMARE? You lied to me, movie! You lied to me! I thought I was getting this, but no. Instead I'm getting...

  [shudders at the sight of the monster in the movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... the fucking crack baby in Where the Wild Things Are!

• Nostalgia Critic : [as the monster goes through a fence impossibly fast]  JESUS!

  [falls out of his chair] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The movie just got a sudden meth attack out of nowhere!

• Nostalgia Critic : They go to Dr. Snyder to show what's happened to Max as we get to the point that really fucking pissed me off as a kid.

  Max : Excuse me, sir, you statues turned me into a monster.

  [it shows the very cheesy monster] 

  Nostalgia Critic : WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

  Snyder : It works!

  Max : My parents are not going to like this.

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, what...

  [looking back and forth at the VHS box then the screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : THE HELL IS THAT? How the fuck does that look ANYTHING like what's on the box? That's not My Pet Monster, it's a fucking radioactive Garfield plushy!

• Nostalgia Critic : Uh, wait a minute. Did he just say "look" to a tape recorder? Good God, guy, you're a scientist! If you can't tell the difference between a camera and a tape recorder, you shouldn't be in this field.

  [imitating Snyder and pretending to talk into a tape recorder] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I sense something is approaching me.

  [holds the imaginary tape recorder in front of him] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Go on, smell it!