- That Chick With The Goggles: [over the phone] Hello. That Chick With The Goggles.
- Nostalgia Critic: Goggles? It's time.
- That Chick With The Goggles: It is?
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes. We are taking over Molossia!
- That Chick With The Goggles: We're taking over Molossia?
- Nostalgia Critic: I know, right? So get your stuff together and come down to...
- That Chick With The Goggles: Oh, by the way, this has been an answering machine the whole time. Leave your message after the beep.
- Cinema Snob: The point I'm trying to get across is fuck you!
- Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you!
- Cinema Snob: Fuck YOU!
- Nostalgia Critic: Fuck YOU!
- JewWario: Oh, won't somebody think of the children?
- Benzaie: Shit! Cinema Snob is gone, now what do we do?
- Linkara: I suggest an attack. A full-frontal assault by all of us. I'll orchestrate it myself.
- Angry Joe: Damn it, man! He'll have plenty of time to set off the detonator! He'll kill us all!
- Linkara: I can do this Joe! I've seen "Patton" over a hundred times!
- Phelous: I think our last option after our last option is Linkara.
- Angry Joe: Yeah, you might have a point.
- [Looks over at Linkara who is cleaning his magic gun]
- Angry Joe: What do you say Linkara? Why don't you try out some of that strategic mumbo-jumbo?
- Linkara: [Puts the gun away and gets up, throwing an arm over Joe's shoulder as he talks] Joe, Joe, Joe. I know we've had our differences in the past.
- Angry Joe: We have?
- Linkara: Yes; I don't like you very much.
- Angry Joe: Oh.
- [Pouts]
- Linkara: [while walking away] But your live of destruction mixed with my love of planning destruction might serve us well.
- Angry Joe: So you'll do it?
- Linkara: [Looks dramatically over his shoulder] Its my job to do it.
- Linkara: [Spins around dramatically, shedding his coat to reveal a TNG Star Trek uniform and knocking off his fedora to replace it with a helmet before pushing Joe aside and imitating Patton] Alright troops, here's how its gonna work...
- Nostalgia Critic: [over the phone] Hello?
- The Spoony One: Yeah, it's 3:22 PM.
- Nostalgia Critic: What?
- The Spoony One: I thought you were asking what time it was.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, I'm telling you it is time!
- The Spoony One: Yeah, and that time is 3:22 PM.
- Nostalgia Critic: [over the phone] Cinema Snob?
- Cinema Snob: Guilty as charged.
- Nostalgia Critic: Any chance you got Sean's number?
- Cinema Snob: Your mom has Sean's number.
- Nostalgia Critic: Shut up.
- Nostalgia Critic: [over the phone] Can you hear me?
- Angry Joe: Yes.
- Nostalgia Chick: Yes.
- Phelous: Yes.
- Cinema Snob: No. I mean yes.
- Bennett the Sage: Boy, it's so great to be back here in this crowded, cramped hotel room again. I wonder if it's still impossible for me to stretch my arms.
- [attempts to move his arms and hits Phelous and Paw]
- Bennett the Sage: I can't! Happy birthday to me!
- 8-Bit Mickey: He's mad I tell you, mad!
- [Handsome Tom slaps him]
- 8-Bit Mickey: Mad!
- [Handsome Tom slaps him]
- 8-Bit Mickey: Okay, I'm good.
- Nostalgia Critic: And so, it is the ruling of this court that you be found guilty for the crimes against our government. All in favor, say 'aye'. Aye. All opposed?
- The Spoony One, Linkara, Angry Joe, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, MarzGurl, Bennett the Sage, 8-Bit Mickey, Benzaie: Nay!
- Nostalgia Critic: [sing-songy] Too bad I'm in charge! Guilty!
- Ma-Ti: You're a fool, Critic! A damn fool! You cannot change your destiny! You can only choose to meet it... and you will fail.
- Dr. Insano: Whatever happened to the purity of unarmed combat?
- Nostalgia Critic: This is just superconductory electromagnetism. Certainly you've heard of it. It levitates bullet trains from Tokyo to Osaka. It will levitate my rocket chair once it finally arrives. And it also levitates... me.
- Nostalgia Critic: [levitates]
- Dr. Insano: You do realize you're just standing on your tippy toes, don't you?
- [beat]
- Nostalgia Critic: [zaps Dr. Insano]
- Dr. Insano: Your superconductory electromagnetism is no match for my science!
- Nostalgia Critic: It is science!
- Dr. Insano: But I'm science-ier!
- Dr. Insano: I would also like my own flag made for me, one with the evolution of man, except with me at the end of the line! Oh, and I would also like my own ice cream parlor. There's never an ice cream stand around when you really need one. Oh! And it better goddamn well have chocolate chocolate chip! God help you if you don't have chocolate chocolate chip!
- Nostalgia Critic: Et tu, Film Brain?
- Film Brain: Sorry, Critic, but you killed one Santa Christ too many.
- Ask That Guy With the Glasses: Hold it!
- MarzGurl: What do you want?
- Ask That Guy With the Glasses: Oh nothing, just wanted to make my cameo. Bye.
- Nostalgia Chick: Wait, how come it took you three days to come back? Why couldn't you just do it right away?
- Santa Christ: I'm sorry, have you ever been dead before?
- Nostalgia Chick: No.
- Santa Christ: Have you ever risen from the grave?
- Nostalgia Chick: Guess not.
- Nostalgia Chick: [Nostalgia Critic is beaten senseless] Well done, everyone, well done. Now, since I am next in line for the presidency, it's only fitting that I should wear the crown.
- [takes Critic's hat]
- Nostalgia Chick: You will refer to me as Madame President from now on.
- Bennett the Sage: Wait a minute, so this whole cutesy, naive thing was just an act?
- Nostalgia Chick: Yep.
- JewWario: You're not really that nice?
- Nostalgia Chick: Nope.
- Benzaie: You're not really that stupid?
- Nostalgia Chick: Uh-uh.
- Nostalgia Chick: I am the new ruler of Kickassia, and there's gonna be some new rules around here.
- [laughs maniacally]
- Cinema Snob: [takes hat from her] Excuse me, but it was my insight that overthrew this government. So I think it should be I taking over as acting president.
- [laughs maniacally]
- Linkara: [takes hat from him] Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who orchestrated this operation, it's obviously I who should be president.
- [laughs maniacally]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello, um, because my team cannot run a nation
- [is bumped]
- Nostalgia Critic: I mean, *I* can't run a nation, we've decided to give the nation back to you. So you can... own Molossia again.
- Baron Fritz von Baugh: Wasn't mine to begin with.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh Christ, well when you "see" the president, like when he shows up, can you tell him that Molossia is his again?
- Baron Fritz von Baugh: I will relay the message.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, you do that, you twat.
- Nostalgia Critic: [answering phone] Hello?
- Angry Joe: I'm behind you one hundred and ten percent, Critic! Any Chik-Fil-A's refusing to serve us delicious nuggets on Sundays from here on out shall be blown sky high!
- Nostalgia Critic: What are you talking about?
- Angry Joe: Wait, what are YOU talking about?
- Nostalgia Critic: The invasion of Molossia!
- Angry Joe: ...What is Molossia?
- 8-Bit Mickey: We could use Handsome Tom's head for a battering ram.
- Handsome Tom: Hey!
- Nostalgia Critic: Nah, his head's too soft.
- Handsome Tom: Hey!
- Nostalgia Critic: Do you dare leave now in your moment of victory?
- Film Brain: [spacey, adoring grin] I would never leave you, Critic!
- Nostalgia Critic: [mildly creeped out] I know that Film Brain.
- [Awkwardly pushes him away]
- Nostalgia Critic: First we take Molossia, and then... the neighbors down the street. And then their neighbors, and then their neighbors, and then their neighbors! Until we build a military force so gigantic that *nobody* would be able to stop us! And then we go global! First we start with Texas. Then Canada. Then France! And then whatever other nation stands in our way! And then...
- JewWario: Pudding?
- Nostalgia Critic: The world!
- [the Reviewers are marching on Molossia. Kevin Baugh comes outside to confront them]
- 8-Bit Mickey: He seems much smaller in person.
- Handsome Tom: That's because you're far away from him, jackass.
- Dr. Insano: Sorry, Critic. But your reign of terror is at an end. Now, a *new* reign of terror begins! *My* reign of terror!
- [he laughs maniacally]
- Nostalgia Critic: Alright, you beaker-sucking bozo. You want a piece of me? Well, you've got it.
- Paw: That's a game of Risk.
- Linkara Patton: Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here!
- [points at the United Kingdom]
- Linkara Patton: Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina
- Bennett the Sage: Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected!
- Linkara Patton: No they don't.
- Bennett the Sage: Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect!
- Linkara Patton: They do?
- Bennett the Sage: Well, I thought so.
- Paw: I thought you needed dice for this.
- Linkara Patton: Do you?
- JewWario: How *do* you play this game anyway?
- Board James: Well guys...
- [He picks up box of Risk]
- Board James: Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it
- Linkara Patton: Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James!
- Board James: Well, thank *you* for the, uh... obligatory cameo.
- Nostalgia Critic: [holding a detonation device] Need I remind you that there are twenty tons of dynamite under this nation?
- Cinema Snob: Uh, joke's on you, moron. I disconnected the dynamite after I left. You push that thing and nothing happens.
- Nostalgia Critic: I don't believe you! I push this button and we all get blown SKY HIGH!
- [everyone just stares at him]
- Nostalgia Critic: Very well. For the honor and all of KICKASSIA!
- [the Critic pushes a button on the device, but nothing happens; he becomes quite nervous]
- Nostalgia Critic: [weakly] ... Kaboom!
- [suddenly, he screams as everyone rushes him and starts beating him to a pulp]
- [first lines]
- Narrator: There is a nation called Molossia - a micronation, to be precise - located just outside of Reno in Dayton, Nevada. It is a small speck of land - 1.3 acres to be exact - but through a strange loophole, it is technically considered a nation. It is run by a man named Kevin Baugh, who has declared himself the proud president of this land. He has been called one Curly short of The Three Stooges, but he does manage to keep order in his humble country. For the most part, Molossia is a quiet, simple, genlte land that has yet to subject itself to any intense, hostile violence. That is where the Nostalgia Critic comes in.
- Nostalgia Critic: Alright people, this is the moment you've been waiting for! Bravery will be rewarded! Destinies will be revealed! And the honor of a new nation will be born! A nation which I will declare: KICKASSIA!
- Nostalgia Critic: I've wanted this place for a long time and now that I got it, I'm not going to let anyone take it away from me. I discovered that the world is filled with nasty-wasties, and a lot of those nasty-wasties want what I got. So, if any of them try to take away what I have, I'm not afraid to go down with the ship and take everybody with me. But that's just if one of those nasty-wasties shows up. Or if someone in this beloved nation of mine is a nasty-wasty. What do you say, Cinema Snob? You're not one of those nasty-wasties, are you?
- Cinema Snob: No, of course not.
- Nostalgia Critic: Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Take care.
- Bennett the Sage: I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus and play piñata with his entrails!
- [beat]
- Bennett the Sage: What?
- Benzaie: You were just so fast to say that.
- Cinema Snob: You're out of order, they're out of order! The whole system is out of order!
- Nostalgia Critic: I am the system!
- Cinema Snob: I know you're the system! That's my point!
- Nostalgia Critic: I know it's your point! It's just when you say that I'm out of order and the system's out of order it's kind of redundant!