Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The NeverEnding Story III (2011)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [exhales deeply]  Whew, we did it. We made it through The Neverending Story III, one of the worst sequels of all time! But on the bright side, the one thing I have to look forward to through all this is that I get to hear that classic Neverending Story song again. It was in the last two movies, it is my reward for watching this torture. I deserve it! So please, play the song.

  [Instead, Rockbiter's rendition of 'Born to Be Wild' plays over credits; Critic goes crazy, gets a crowbar and destroys the DVD] 

• Slip : When I get my hands on that slippery weasel, I'm gonna rock his world.

  Nostalgia Critic : Eww.

• Nostalgia Critic : [after Rockbiter sings "Born to Be Wild"]  Okay, let me make one thing perfectly clear: this is NOT jumping the shark. I'm gonna repeat that again, this is NOT jumping the shark. No, no, no.

  [Inhales deeply] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This is jumping the shark, coming back, shooting it in the balls, raping it, eating its flesh, consuming its soul, mounting its head on the wall... AND THEN DOING THE SAME THING TO TWELVE MORE FUCKING SHARKS JUST TO BE SAFE!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Bastian's stepsister]  Yeah, thank God she's not into that new-age crap. She just likes to express her feelings on an acoustic guitar and sing lyrics that wouldn't make it into a Jewell poetry book.

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. We gotta go back and do bullet points because there's just too many things wrong with this scene. First off, that's Jack Black.

  [slaps forehead] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What? Second, why would an entire school literally run away from a group of bullies? What, did they stuff their pants with TNT or something? Third, that's Jack Black.

  [slaps forehead] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What? Fourth, they're literally called The Nasties?

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Falkor]  I don't wanna... gulp... go on a adventure.

• Nostalgia Critic : Yes, people, THAT is the Rockbiter. Allow me to cry for you.

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm serious, it's a fucking sitcom! Like the fucking Flintstones and the fucking Dinosaurs! Don't fucking believe me? Take a fucking look at the fucking scenes from these fucking shows and then fucking tell me they don't fucking look like the fucking same thing, you fucking fuck fuck!

• Nostalgia Critic : So we see the Childlike Empress, who looks nothing like a child, and her sidekick... Mega Mind?

• Childlike Empress : We must not give in to the Nasty.

  Nostalgia Critic : Am I the only one who finds that dirty?

• Nicole : [reading from book]  "All at once, it was as if Bastian was transformed into a deadly combination of Bruce Lee, Steven Seagal, and Jean-Claude Van Damme."

  Nostalgia Critic : What, no Chuck Norris?

  [the "A-Chuck-a-Norriiiiiiiiis!" clip plays] 

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh my god, what have they done to ya, Falkor? Not only do the animatronics look like the butt-cheeks from Chuck E. Cheese, but the character is totally backwards. Falkor was a dignified creature. He was optimistic and wise. This abomination is a blithering idiot! He's like the flying version of Patrick the Starfish.

• Nostalgia Critic : Continuity is fucked like a two-dollar whore.

• Nostalgia Critic : I have wonderful news, though, the movie is almost over.

• Nostalgia Critic : In the first film, the Nothing was an abstract entity. In the second film, the Emptiness was the human form of dying imagination. In this film, it's literally just a bunch of bullies called the Nasties? How fucking uninspiring is that? To go from complex ideals destroying worlds to one half of Tenacious D acting like a dick-mule. Wow, they keep upping the ante, don't they?

• Nostalgia Critic : He married a rockvestite!

• Nostalgia Critic : Why can't he just wish them ba...

  Childlike Empress : No, Bastian.

  Nostalgia Critic : It seems like he could do it really easil...

  Childlike Empress : No, Bastian.

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, he's got the little thing...

  Childlike Empress : No, Bastian.

  Nostalgia Critic : Just take two sec...

  Childlike Empress : No, Bastian.

  Nostalgia Critic : What if he just...

  Childlike Empress : No, Bastian.

  Nostalgia Critic : [defeated]  Fuck you. It's your damn world. You botch it up however you want!

• Nostalgia Critic : The only thing he says are two words that pretty much sum up the entire movie in a nut shell.

  Bastian : Everything sucks.

• Nostalgia Critic : Nobody questions why there's a giant, white hairry penis flying in the sky.

• Bastian : [to Nicole]  Do you realize what you've caused?

  Nostalgia Critic : Her?

  Bastian : [angrily]  I really hope you enjoyed your little shopping spree.

  Nostalgia Critic : It's called doing something, you dumbass! Look into it!

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, and here's a real bonehead move: Bastian goes to school the next day, leaving the giant rock baby and the all-powerful necklace out in the open. Thank God he doesn't have a bitchy-bitch sister who would steal it for any reason...

  [Nicole takes Auryn] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And you just won the Dumbass of the Year Award.

• Nostalgia Critic : But soon the sister figures out that the Auryn has power and, here's a bright move: she makes fucking wishes with it! Thank you, God! How come that dumbass Bastian never gets the idea to just wish for shit? True, she's using it to go shopping and look like Bozo's hooker, but, hell, she's fucking using it! All Bastian has to do is wish for The NeverEnding Story to be in his hands and all this misery would be over. But no, he just sits in his room, praying the problem will fix itself. That technically means the bitchy sister is more of a hero than he is, because she's fucking using it! Hell, even the Nasties, the VILLAINS of this picture are closer to heroes than Bastian is, because they're actually taking advantage of what they have.

  [to Bastian] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why the hell are you even in this movie? Just leave!

• Nostalgia Critic : Back home, both the gnomes and the tree somehow deliver themselves to Bastian, even though they don't know his address... fuck it, I don't care. I'll buy it. Fill in the plot holes yourself, kids, because this movie ain't gonna do it for us.

• Nostalgia Critic : COCK-SUCKING WHORE!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the Nasties]  They make Bulk and Skull look like professional assassins!

• Nostalgia Critic : The Nasty. That's the name of our villain, folks: the Nasty. In the first film, it was the Nothing; the second film, it was the Emptiness; and in this film, it's the Nasty. What the hell's the villain of the next movie gonna be called? The Oooooooooo?

• Nostalgia Critic : [crying]  Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...

  [voice cracks] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... so you don't have to. And welcome to the first installment... of Sequel Month. All through the month of January, I have to review...

  [sobs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I have to review terrible, terrible sequels to movies I've already looked at.

  [takes a deep breath] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And if these sequels are ANYTHING like the movie I just saw, I am in serious shit, man! Serious, serious shit! "NeverEnding Story 3".

• [repeated line] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But wait, there's more!

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm fucking the DVD! I'm fucking the DVD!

• Nostalgia Critic : 'Wish overload'. I can't believe this fuck.

• Nostalgia Critic : I'll try to keep this review under a millennium long, but I make no promises.

• Nostalgia Critic : [after an extended chase scene of Bastian avoiding The Nasties]  Hey, you know what I don't miss in this movie? Fantasia. I don't miss it at all. The other films woulda gotten there by now, but this film feels that taking its time to show us how teeth-grindingly boring our main character is was much more important. Hell, the name of the flippin' film is "Escape From Fantasia". They should have called it "Trying to Get to Fucking Fantastia"!

• Nostalgia Critic : So he comes across the gnomes from the first movie, who are now Irish for some reason.

• Falkor : May not be Fantasia. There's some cute dragons here.

  Nostalgia Critic : [mocking]  "There's some cute dragons here." Fuck you.