- Jake Harper: I had no interest in college until a few days ago.
- Alan Harper: What changed?
- Jake Harper: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten", and I decided I need to go to college.
- Alan Harper: You expect me to pay thirty, forty thousand dollars a year so you can meet drunk girls who lift their shirts?
- Jake Harper: Yes, please.
- Alan Harper: Do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?
- Charlie Harper: That's not me. That's genetics and barber school haircuts.
- Charlie Harper: If I should come home some night to find you on a chair with a rope around your neck because you can't bear another moment of your pathetic life, I give you my word, I will kick the chair.
- Alan Harper: When Alan Harper sets his mind to something, just stand back and watch it happen.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, right. Cue the theme from "Rocky".
- Charlie Harper: [Looking at the pearls Alan has purchased for Lyndsey] You got these at the mall?
- Alan Harper: Well, in the mall parking lot.
- Charlie Harper: You bought pearls from a guy in a parking lot?
- Alan Harper: Not 'a guy'. A Tahitian wholesaler. You have any idea what the mark-up is on these things? By eliminating the middleman, I saved a fortune!
- Charlie Harper: You sure about that?
- Alan Harper: Don't worry, they're real. I have a certificate of authenticity.
- Charlie Harper: [Reading the certificate] The word "authentic" doesn't have a "K" in it!
- Alan Harper: It's the man's second language, Charlie!
- Charlie Harper: You stole diamonds from your ex-wife?
- Alan Harper: Yeah.
- Charlie Harper: Kudos!
- Alan Harper: I don't even know how it happened. It was like I was in a dream, and my hands belonged to someone else.
- Charlie Harper: I have that same dream all the time. Except in mine, the hands *do* belong to someone else!
- Alan Harper: I'm a good man, Charlie. I play by the rules. This isn't me.
- Charlie Harper: Sure it is. You made up your mind that you'd get Lyndsey a nice birthday present. The only part that *isn't* you, is that you succeeded!
- Alan Harper: [Adjusting Lyndsey's hair so Judith won't see her earrings] I love it when your hair is down. It's so sexy.
- Dr. Herb Melnick: He's right, it is!
- Alan Harper: You whine and moan about not having enough money to buy decent clothes for our son, and yet, somehow, there's enough for you to go out and have a big fancy dinner!
- Judith Melnick: What?
- Alan Harper: Are you suddenly hard of hearing? Or are you just allergic to the truth?