- Ted Mosby: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel."
- Robin Scherbatsky: You've just been focused on work.
- Ted Mosby: No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I about that, Scherbatsky?
- Robin Scherbatsky: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
- Ted Mosby: In what? Destiny?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing.
- Ted Mosby: What's that?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Timing. But timing's a bitch.
- Marshall Eriksen: The only person who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!
- Barney Stinson: What do you think of this tie?
- Ted Mosby: Ohh, thank God. Barney needs you right before his wedding, you assume there's at least one dead hooker in the closet.
- [laughs and discretely checks the closet]
- Barney Stinson: [Holds up another tie] Is this one better?
- Ted Mosby: Look, the tie is great, and it's perfectly normal to have some pre-wedding jitters.
- Barney Stinson: I'm not having jitters. It just occurs to me that once I put this tie on I can never take it off. I have to wear this tie forever, and ever. And sure, this tie is skinny now, but what happens if it gets fat and starts bossing me around? Did I make a mistake, would I have been happier with the other tie?
- [pause]
- Barney Stinson: Ted, can I tell you a big secret?
- Ted Mosby: Of course.
- Barney Stinson: I'm not really talking about the tie.
- Ted Mosby: Yeah, I got that, buddy.
- Barney Stinson: [Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback'] Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out?
- [shows long fingernails]
- Narrator: We all headed to my hometown where we planned to celebrate Punchy's big day. Uncle Barney had different plans.
- Barney Stinson: Get ready Cleveland. The last man to screw you this hard and then disappear was LeBron James.
- Robin Scherbatsky: You're trying to get laid *here*? Oh Barney, tonight's a magical night between Ted's annoying friend and What's-her-face. have some respect.
- Marshall Eriksen: [about Ted's tear-filled best man speech] This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this
- [gestures to Lily]
- Marshall Eriksen: beautiful lady right here is pregnant.
- Kelly: [Reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!
- Barney Stinson: Here's your toast, single file ladies! No fatties!
- Ted Mosby: That's ridiculous!
- Barney Stinson: Yeah you're right, it's Cleveland. Single file ladies!
- Lily Aldrin: [Lily is pregnant, but her and Marshall haven't told anyone yet] You're drinking for two tonight baby
- Marshall Eriksen: I will do this, for the child.
- Narrator: Kids, if there's one big theme to this story - and I swear, we're totally, almost not really that close to the end - it's timing. Timing is everything.
- Barney Stinson: What if this whole this is a disaster? What if this is the worst wedding ever?
- Ted Mosby: Not possible. We've already been to the worst wedding ever.
- Barney Stinson: Punchy's wedding.
- Ted Mosby: [laughs] Marshall really took a two-flusher to that one
- [him and Barney laugh]
- Narrator: The story of how Uncle Marshall ruined my friend Punchy's wedding, starts in September, 2011...
- Robin Scherbatsky: Lily, we are getting sloshed tonight.
- Lily Aldrin: [to Robin] Yay.
- [Takes shot and turns to Marshall]
- Lily Aldrin: That's all you baby.
- Marshall Eriksen: No, I'll be four shots in with no food.
- Lily Aldrin: In nine months I'll be pushing a pumpkin-headed Eriksen baby out of my who-ha; I think papa can manage a few extra cocktails.
- Marshall Eriksen: Well played.
- Ted Mosby: [Talking about Punchy's wedding] No wedding will ever, ever be as bad as that one.
- Barney Stinson: I picked the right tie didn't I?
- Ted Mosby: You nailed it. And hey, just be glad it's not the ducky tie.
- Narrator: Oooh, the ducky tie. That's a good story kids, I'll get to that. Man, we are not even close to the end.
- Ted Mosby: Look, I've never told you guys this, but over the years, a few of my old high-school buddies have asked me to give wedding toasts; and they've haven't... gone... great. Somehow those weddings all fell smack-dab in the worst moments of my life.
- Ted Mosby: [Flashback to wedding 2008] Joel and Nora's love is a beautiful thing. I thought I had that, til my fiance left me at the alter last week.
- [Starts crying]
- Ted Mosby: I was asked not to talk about this, so I won't.
- [Crying]
- Ted Mosby: I sit outside her house at night sometimes. She got a haircut.
- [keeps crying]
- Ted Mosby: [Wedding, 2009] After I lost my job last week, I was asked not to give this toast
- [Someone tries to wrestle the mic away from Ted]
- Ted Mosby: No, no!
- [guy sits back down]
- Ted Mosby: The happy couple needs to hear this. Things end.
- [Tearing up]
- Ted Mosby: But from the ashes of your statistically probable divorce hope can rise anew. That is why I am starting my own architecture firm: Mosbius Designs.
- Ted Mosby: [Wedding, three months later] Mosbius Designs has failed. But Alex and Jessica's love reminds us that... that
- [starts crying]
- Ted Mosby: Oh god...
- [Cries uncontrollably]
- Punchy: [See punchy filming and laughing] Classic Schmosby.