- Roger the Alien: [while drunk] Christianity. My favorite deadbeat dad story. Check it: God fathers this kid, then disappears and then when the kid becomes famous, God wants to come live with Him. Exact same thing happened to Shaq. He did a rap about it called "My Biological Didn't Bother".
- Hayley Smith: Jeff, I don't want to have kids. I have no maternal instincts. I only have animal instincts: eating, pooping, lying down before it rains.
- Jeff Fischer: [after bring home a child] Hayley, meet our son. I named him after my favorite character in literature, Nemo from the novelization of the film "Finding Nemo."
- Stan Smith: [to Roger as he's beating him up] You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!
- Roger the Alien: That punch. That punch right there. That's the punch where everything went black and I was finally able to achieve orgasm.
- Roger the Alien: [after Stan accidentally stabs him with the daggers] Ah! You dumb son of a...! No, that's not who Roland is. Hey! You're doing great!
- Francine Smith: I have grandchildren? Oh, my God, I can't believe it! I thought my only chance was if Steve got raped by a confused lesbian.
- Francine Smith: Oh, Hayley, stop! Your bitch-crying is going to be in the background of this entire video.
- Father Donovan: Look, Stan, I actually think what you did was really, really funny, but Christian leaders around the world saw you on TV and they've been chewing my ass off nonstop. I'm sorry, Stan, but I'm going to have to kick you out.
- Stan Smith: I can't go to your church anymore?
- Father Donovan: No, Stan, you're kicked out of Christianity. You can't go into any church.
- Stan Smith: No! Well, there must be some way to get back in!
- Father Donovan: Well, there are three, but they're tough: you'd have to find the Holy Grail or kill the Antichrist or donate ten million dollars to charity. That's how Jared from Subway got back in.
- Stan Smith: I don't want another religion, I want my religion.
- Francine Smith: I know, honey, but the thing is, you already kind of screwed yourself there.
- Steve Smith: [while possessed by Nemo] Mene mene tekel. Satana satana.
- Hayley Smith: Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
- Francine Smith: Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language.
- Francine Smith: Steve, I just did a big Trader Joe's run. Pour yourself some unsweetened cherry juice. Maybe have it with some sunflower paste on a flax crisp. There's also a scallop shu mai that tastes like nothing and a mushroom flatbread pizza that smells like nut sack.