- Phil Dunphy: I'll admit it: I'm turned on by powerful women. Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condolezza Rice, Serena Williams... wait a minute.
- Manny Delgado: I want to be homeschooled.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you English?
- Jay Pritchett: Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business about ten minutes. He barely looks at my proposal, and he says he wants more 'wow'.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What does he mean by more 'wow'?
- Manny Delgado: It's the Bieber-ization of America.
- Jay Pritchett: What do beavers have to do with anything?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there's no floods. It's the beaver-ization of Americas.
- Manny Delgado: I'm finding there's less and less we can talk about.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay. I'm going to tell you a story about a little girl who entered a beauty pageant, even though she was very, very scared that she was going to lose.
- Claire Dunphy: Let me guess: you won.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Of course I won. But I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan, she stuffed her body into this bikini, and at the end, she finished dead last.
- Claire Dunphy: How is that a good story?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: She faced her fears, and it didn't kill her. What killed her two weeks later was a bus.
- Claire Dunphy: Are you serious?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Because she couldn't see anything coming with that big nose!
- Mitchell Pritchett: [as he sees Jay, Phil and Cameron going to confront the boy who scammed Haley] Oh no, no! Nobody's going anywhere; we are not vigilantes!
- Cameron Tucker: Shotgun!
- Mitchell Pritchett: No! No weapons!
- Mitchell Pritchett: The reason we're fighting is 'cause this one thinks he's Dirty Harry.
- Jay Pritchett: Having a tough time picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.
- Claire Dunphy: [seeing Alex passed out on the couch] What's wrong with her?
- Phil Dunphy: Growth spurt.
- Claire Dunphy: What's wrong with her?
- Phil Dunphy: I drugged her.
- Claire Dunphy: Phil!
- Phil Dunphy: I accidentally gave her the nighttime allergy medicine.
- Cameron Tucker: You know, if this were a romantic comedy, this would be our meet cute. We'd spend the rest of the afternoon drinking wine, eating food, flying a kite... you know, doing montage-y stuff.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Am I in this movie of yours?
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, you're the gay best friend.
- Claire Dunphy: Phil, where are you, honey? I need to talk to you. Do you know what our daughter did?
- Phil Dunphy: [trying to cover up Alex's stupor] Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.
- Claire Dunphy: No, not her. Haley. Haley, come over here. I want toA talk to you.
- Phil Dunphy: There she is! Not a scratch on her.
- Claire Dunphy: Do you have something you want to say to us?
- Haley Dunphy: Uh...
- Claire Dunphy: Mmm... let me help you out here. Fake IDs?
- Phil Dunphy: What?
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm. Haley tried to get her and her friends some fake IDs.
- Haley Dunphy: I wasn't going to use them for drinking. We just wanted to get into this club to see a band.
- Claire Dunphy: She took a bunch of money from them, and then she lost it.
- Phil Dunphy: How much?
- Alex Dunphy: [slurring] $900.
- Claire Dunphy, Phil Dunphy: You're kidding me!/Oh my god!
- Haley Dunphy: It's not my fault! I gave the money to this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.
- Claire Dunphy: [to Luke] What happened to your face?
- Luke Dunphy: Oh. I ran into a door.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah.
- Claire Dunphy: What happened to your face?
- Luke Dunphy: Dad hit me.
- Phil Dunphy: It was an accident. I was trying to open up a Band-Aid.
- Claire Dunphy: Phil!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay never wants me help him with his business, and now suddenly Manny doesn't want to listen to me either. It's very frustrating. I have all the answers!
- Mitchell Pritchett: [to Jay, Phil and Cameron] Fine, I'll see you in jail! It's gonna be a big adjustment for two of you.