Holliston (TV Series)
Weekend of Horrors: Part 1 (2012)
Joe Lynch: Joe
Quotes
-
Adam : Um, anybody else notice that Joe sorta looks like Hitler in that painting?
Corri : I did notice that, too. Yes.
Adam : [Pointing to Corri] Ah.
Laura : No he doesn't.
Adam : He does.
Corri : He really does.
Joe : You know what i think? I think that you two are jealous. Hmm.
Adam : Jealous of that? Dude, my Bar Mitzvah pictures just melted off the walls at my parents' house.
-
Adam : These horror conventions, they never get A-list director like that. It's always just actors signing autographs and charging money.
Corri : Like who?
Joe : You know, like, "Zombie #7" from Day of the Dead.
Adam : Or that creepy little girl who had no lines in The Hills Have Eyes remake.
Joe : Or Kane Hodder.
Corri : Well that is so cool that you guys get to meet him!
Joe : Oh we don't just get to meet him. We can hand him our trailer for Shinpads!
Corri : You can just do that?
Adam : Of course! Corri, there's nothing that celebrities appearing at a convention like more than when you hand them a pitch, or a screenplay, or a treatment, or a business card, or they want you to sign something but not put their name on it because they're gonna sell it on eBay later, or they wanna touch you inappropriately, or kiss you on the mouth and you don't know what they have, or hug you, and they stink and their smelly and their a dude.
[Looks at camera]
Corri : Can I come? I've always kinda wanted to check one of these things out and just people watch.
Joe : Sure.
Laura : I wanna go, too. But I'm not having dinner with Lando. Bad things will happen, Joe. Bad things.
Adam : You guys can totally come, um, but first we're just gonna sorta need to do something about...
[motions to Corri]
Adam : ... that.
Corri : What, my boobs?
Adam : No, not your boobs. Your whole "look at me, I shop at the mall" thing. Your boobs are... awesome.
Corri : OK, look, I might shop at the mall but I have been to Hot Topic.
Joe : Yeah, but have you ever bought anything at Hot Topic?
Corri : Oh, that stuff is for sale? I always just thought it was a museum of lame.
-
Joe : So how was the Dangerous Toys concert?
Lance Rockett : It was Faster Pussycat.
Joe : There's a difference?
-
Adam : A rock star handed you his beer and you drank it? Do you have any idea how many people that dude has probably been with or what diseases he might have?
Lance Rockett : No.
Joe : You do look a little tired there, Lance.
Lance Rockett : I'm trying a new mascara.
Adam : Come on, boss! You should know better than to share a drink from one of those filthy rock stars. Driving into town, wearing women's clothes, sticking their dicks into everything that moves, spreading diseases, doing drugs...
Lance Rockett : -Hey!
[Breaking character]
Lance Rockett : Some of us only wore women's clothing, OK?
-
Horror Fan : Who was the gaffer on American Werewolf in London?
Joe : Maurice Gillett, duh! How many songs in the movie had the word "moon" in the title?
Horror Fan : All of them, duh!
Laura : [Aside to Corri] My boyfriend is so cool.
Joe : Come on, man. Give me a real question.
Horror Fan : OK, OK... what was the name of the dog that Rick Baker owned during production of the movie? Huh? Huh?
Joe : Ah... um...
Horror Fan : "Bosko"! Busted! Haha! Back of the line, dork!
Joe : [Burying his head in Laura's shoulder] That guy was so mean.
Laura : I'm sorry.
-
Joe : Hey, Kane Hodder! Wow!
Kane Hodder : Hey, that was a pretty funny joke you made about me earlier in the episode.
Joe : What? How did you...
Kane Hodder : [Punches Joe in the face and knocks him out cold] Bitch.
-
Corri : Has this line moved at all?
Joe : Not an inch. Because this convention treats us handicapped people like DIRT!
[Off of another guy's annoyed look in the handicapped line]
Joe : Oh, what are you looking at, faker?
Anthony : [Removes his prosthetic leg and hands it to Joe] Fake this, dude.
Joe : Uh... that's... yeah, that's fair.
Adam : Thank you. For your service.
Anthony : I wasn't in the military. It was a boating accident.
Adam : That's why I don't boat.
Joe : Ahoy.
-
Joe : Mr. Landis, we're actually making a movie and we wanted to give you the trailer that we're using to get funding.
Adam : "Animal House" was awesome.
[Does a John Belushi impression, jumping back and forth]
John Landis : Thank you for that.
Adam : You did a really good job with that one.
John Landis : Thanks. So what's your movie called, guys?
Joe : It's called "Shinpads".
John Landis : "Shinpads".
Joe : "Shinpads."
John Landis : "Shinpads."
Adam : "Shinpads"!
John Landis : Yeah, that's a terrible title. But, you know what, they told me that about "Kentucky Fried Movie" so go for it.
Adam : "Kentucky Fried Movie" was awesome.
John Landis : Thank you.
Adam : You did a really good job with that one.
Joe : Well, our movie is about an undead soccer team who rises from the grave to get revenge.
John Landis : OK.
Joe : And well, we uh made this trailer and wanted to give it to you to see what you thought. If that would be OK.
[Pointing to DVD]
Joe : See, "Joe" and "Adam".
John Landis : Sounds... good.
-
Corri : What's up?
John Landis : Hi, girls.
Laura : You were such a dick to Han Solo.
Adam : [Covering Laura's mouth] I'm sorry, she's Mexican.
Laura : Colombian!
Adam : Whatever, it's the same thing.
Corri : [to Joe in his wheelchair] I'm not pushing you back to the car.
[Waving to John Landis she breaks into the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance and grabs her crotch]
Corri : He-He! You did a really good job with that one.
Joe : [Stands up out of his wheelchair] It was a pleasure meeting you, Sir.
[He shakes John Landis' hand and exits, stopping to insult the Horror Fan behind him]
Joe : Dork!
Person in crowd : Praise, Jesus! John Landis made that man walk!
-
Lance Rockett : Did you really fight the guy who played "Jason"?
Joe : It's a long story.
Adam : Actually, no, it's a very quick story. Kane went "smack" and Joe went "boom." That was it.
Joe : It wasn't like that.
[Off of their looks]
Joe : I'm bad at fighting.
-
Lance Rockett : The doctor checked me out and said that burning sensation was from poor circulation. So I can't rock the leather pants for two weeks.
Joe : [Motioning to Lance's pants] So what about those?
Lance Rockett : These are pleather. Much more breathable.
Joe : Ah.
Lance Rockett : So close call, but the Love Rockett gets to love rock it again!
Adam : Gross.
Lance Rockett : Besides, doctor says the worst I could have caught from drinking somebody's beer is herpes and I've already beaten that several times.
Joe : Don't you get herpes for life?
Lance Rockett : [Motions to his face, his crotch, and his ass] Depends where on your body you get it.
Adam : Again. Gross.
Lance Rockett : You guys have a good show. 'Cause I've got dudes to rock and chicks to roll! See ya'll on Monday.
Joe : See ya.
Lance Rockett : [Exiting] Take it sleazy, boys! Horns high! Horns! High!
[Adam and Joe sip from their water bottles when Lance suddenly re-enters the room]
Lance Rockett : Oh, P.S. Don't drink the water from this fountain. Doctor says I need to get the spout sterilized.
[Adam and Joe look at each other with their mouths full of water]
Lance Rockett : Good night! Woo!
-
Joe : I'm too excited! You read it!
[He hands the letter to Laura]
Laura : "Dear Joe and friend..."
Adam : "And friend" I'm "and friend"? I don't even get my name on the letter?
Joe : Will you shut up!
[to Laura]
Joe : Go on.
Laura : "Dear Joe and friend. I watch... ed... I watched your... trailer for Ssss... Ssss...
[She shows the letter to Corri]
Laura : What's that word?
Corri : "Shinpads."
Laura : Oh. "Dear Joe and friend-"
Adam : You already read that part! Skip ahead!
Laura : "I watched your trailer for Shinpads... I app... apprecia... ate-"
Adam : [Grabs the letter away from her and hands it to Corri] Fail. You read it.
Corri : OK... "I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I thought it was humorous in the best way possible."
Laura : "Humorous" isn't even a word.
Corri : "And I think you both show a lot of promise as filmmakers. I wish you the best of luck in the future. Sincerely, John Landis."
Joe : [Hugging Adam] Dude! Oh my God! Amazing! It's amazing! We gotta frame that!
Adam : [Holding his hand out to Corri] Can I see it?
[Corri holds the letter away from Adam's reach]
Adam : Let me see it.
[Corri holds the letter even further away. Adam sits on the couch defeated]
Adam : What did it really say?
Corri : "I watched your"... excuse me.
[She clears her throat and then begins speaking with John Landis' voice]
Corri : 'I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I appreciate making fun of inept and amateurish filmmaking as much as the next guy, but your absurd premise and hopeless execution is probably the worst thing that I have ever had the misfortune to watch. Once you two decide on a career that you may actually be good at, like pizza delivery boy or bagger at a minimart check-out stand, I will wish you the best of luck. Until then, if our paths cross in the future... please avoid me."
[Back in her own voice]
Corri : Sincerely, John Landis.
Laura : [Making an angry fist] Lando.
-
Joe : So what if one director didn't like our trailer? Guess what? We finished it. You know it's good. I know it's good. And I'm not gonna sit here and let one negative opinion just deflate all that we've done. You know who does that? Quitters. And what are we?
Adam : We're complete and total losers.
Joe : But we're not quitters! We have a kick ass trailer under our belt. We have each other. I have a ridiculously cute girlfriend who paints portraits of me.
[Motioning to Adam and Corri]
Joe : You two got over the awkwardness of breaking up and are now friends. And I am totally gonna pay you back that two hundred bucks I took from your room last week!
Adam : You stole two hundred bucks from me?
Joe : Stop being negative.
-
Corri : You know what? I am totally with Joe on this. I think we need to have a drink. We need to celebrate the fact that everything is going to be OK. Your herpes are scabbing up nicely. We have nothing to look forward to but good times. So come on you guys.
[Standing with her hand in the air]
Corri : Come on! Who's with me?
Joe : [Standing with his fist in the air] Me!
Laura : [Standing with her hand out in a Nazi pose] Me!
[Corri corrects her hand position]
Adam : [Standing with them] Me.
Actor : [Suddenly walking in with an automatic rifle] Me!
