Holliston (TV Series)

Weekend of Horrors: Part 1 (2012)

Laura Ortiz: Laura

Quotes 

• Laura : Don't look at it! Keep your eyes shut!

• Adam : Um, anybody else notice that Joe sorta looks like Hitler in that painting?

  Corri : I did notice that, too. Yes.

  Adam : [Pointing to Corri]  Ah.

  Laura : No he doesn't.

  Adam : He does.

  Corri : He really does.

  Joe : You know what i think? I think that you two are jealous. Hmm.

  Adam : Jealous of that? Dude, my Bar Mitzvah pictures just melted off the walls at my parents' house.

• Joe : Guess who's coming to Worcester this weekend?

  Adam : Rock N Shock's Weekend of Horrors.

  Joe : Not you.

  Laura : The circus!

  Joe : No.

  Corri : Rock N Shock's Weekend of Horrors?

  Joe : Yes!

  Laura : Damn it!

• Joe : Mr. John Landis was just added to the roster!

  Adam : Landis?

  Joe : Yes!

  Laura : You mean the black guy that sells out his friends and freezes them in carbonite?

  Joe : No, honey, that's Lando. Landis directed like all of our favorite movies.

• Adam : These horror conventions, they never get A-list director like that. It's always just actors signing autographs and charging money.

  Corri : Like who?

  Joe : You know, like, "Zombie #7" from Day of the Dead.

  Adam : Or that creepy little girl who had no lines in The Hills Have Eyes remake.

  Joe : Or Kane Hodder.

  Corri : Well that is so cool that you guys get to meet him!

  Joe : Oh we don't just get to meet him. We can hand him our trailer for Shinpads!

  Corri : You can just do that?

  Adam : Of course! Corri, there's nothing that celebrities appearing at a convention like more than when you hand them a pitch, or a screenplay, or a treatment, or a business card, or they want you to sign something but not put their name on it because they're gonna sell it on eBay later, or they wanna touch you inappropriately, or kiss you on the mouth and you don't know what they have, or hug you, and they stink and their smelly and their a dude.

  [Looks at camera] 

  Corri : Can I come? I've always kinda wanted to check one of these things out and just people watch.

  Joe : Sure.

  Laura : I wanna go, too. But I'm not having dinner with Lando. Bad things will happen, Joe. Bad things.

  Adam : You guys can totally come, um, but first we're just gonna sorta need to do something about...

  [motions to Corri] 

  Adam : ... that.

  Corri : What, my boobs?

  Adam : No, not your boobs. Your whole "look at me, I shop at the mall" thing. Your boobs are... awesome.

  Corri : OK, look, I might shop at the mall but I have been to Hot Topic.

  Joe : Yeah, but have you ever bought anything at Hot Topic?

  Corri : Oh, that stuff is for sale? I always just thought it was a museum of lame.

• Horror Fan : Who was the gaffer on American Werewolf in London?

  Joe : Maurice Gillett, duh! How many songs in the movie had the word "moon" in the title?

  Horror Fan : All of them, duh!

  Laura : [Aside to Corri]  My boyfriend is so cool.

  Joe : Come on, man. Give me a real question.

  Horror Fan : OK, OK... what was the name of the dog that Rick Baker owned during production of the movie? Huh? Huh?

  Joe : Ah... um...

  Horror Fan : "Bosko"! Busted! Haha! Back of the line, dork!

  Joe : [Burying his head in Laura's shoulder]  That guy was so mean.

  Laura : I'm sorry.

• Adam : Where did Corri run off to? She's been gone for like 22 minutes.

  Laura : She went to the bathroom to give herself a make-over because she felt so out of place here. That... and she might be taking a dump.

  Adam : No. Girls don't do that. Trust me, I dated Corri for like 7 years. That girl does not poo.

  Laura : Right. Us girls are like unicorns. We simply whisper glitter out of our bodies.

• Joe : You look like Marilyn Manson if he had bigger boobs.

  Corri : Thank you.

  Joe : No, thank you.

  Adam : Thank you.

  Laura : Thank you.

• Corri : What's up?

  John Landis : Hi, girls.

  Laura : You were such a dick to Han Solo.

  Adam : [Covering Laura's mouth]  I'm sorry, she's Mexican.

  Laura : Colombian!

  Adam : Whatever, it's the same thing.

  Corri : [to Joe in his wheelchair]  I'm not pushing you back to the car.

  [Waving to John Landis she breaks into the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance and grabs her crotch] 

  Corri : He-He! You did a really good job with that one.

  Joe : [Stands up out of his wheelchair]  It was a pleasure meeting you, Sir.

  [He shakes John Landis' hand and exits, stopping to insult the Horror Fan behind him] 

  Joe : Dork!

  Person in crowd : Praise, Jesus! John Landis made that man walk!

• Laura : Why is that every time someone wants to buy one of my paintings they're either a Neo-Nazi, a Satanist, or a registered sex offender?

  Adam : I don't know, Laura.

  [Motioning to her painting of Joe that looks like Hitler] 

  Adam : Why do you think that is?

• Joe : I'm too excited! You read it!

  [He hands the letter to Laura] 

  Laura : "Dear Joe and friend..."

  Adam : "And friend" I'm "and friend"? I don't even get my name on the letter?

  Joe : Will you shut up!

  [to Laura] 

  Joe : Go on.

  Laura : "Dear Joe and friend. I watch... ed... I watched your... trailer for Ssss... Ssss...

  [She shows the letter to Corri] 

  Laura : What's that word?

  Corri : "Shinpads."

  Laura : Oh. "Dear Joe and friend-"

  Adam : You already read that part! Skip ahead!

  Laura : "I watched your trailer for Shinpads... I app... apprecia... ate-"

  Adam : [Grabs the letter away from her and hands it to Corri]  Fail. You read it.

  Corri : OK... "I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I thought it was humorous in the best way possible."

  Laura : "Humorous" isn't even a word.

  Corri : "And I think you both show a lot of promise as filmmakers. I wish you the best of luck in the future. Sincerely, John Landis."

  Joe : [Hugging Adam]  Dude! Oh my God! Amazing! It's amazing! We gotta frame that!

  Adam : [Holding his hand out to Corri]  Can I see it?

  [Corri holds the letter away from Adam's reach] 

  Adam : Let me see it.

  [Corri holds the letter even further away. Adam sits on the couch defeated] 

  Adam : What did it really say?

  Corri : "I watched your"... excuse me.

  [She clears her throat and then begins speaking with John Landis' voice] 

  Corri : 'I watched your trailer for Shinpads. I appreciate making fun of inept and amateurish filmmaking as much as the next guy, but your absurd premise and hopeless execution is probably the worst thing that I have ever had the misfortune to watch. Once you two decide on a career that you may actually be good at, like pizza delivery boy or bagger at a minimart check-out stand, I will wish you the best of luck. Until then, if our paths cross in the future... please avoid me."

  [Back in her own voice] 

  Corri : Sincerely, John Landis.

  Laura : [Making an angry fist]  Lando.

• Joe : Let's celebrate.

  [He hands Adam a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka] 

  Adam : Dude, where did you get a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka?

  Joe : I bought it.

  Laura : No I didn't.

  Joe : I stole it when we did the commercial for Bunghole Liquors.

• Corri : You know what? I am totally with Joe on this. I think we need to have a drink. We need to celebrate the fact that everything is going to be OK. Your herpes are scabbing up nicely. We have nothing to look forward to but good times. So come on you guys.

  [Standing with her hand in the air] 

  Corri : Come on! Who's with me?

  Joe : [Standing with his fist in the air]  Me!

  Laura : [Standing with her hand out in a Nazi pose]  Me!

  [Corri corrects her hand position] 

  Adam : [Standing with them]  Me.

  Actor : [Suddenly walking in with an automatic rifle]  Me!