- [Harry is writing a poem about his love for Heather, the avian alien. He's saying aloud the lines as he writes.]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: My love, it sweats / What heat remains in my chest / You are a light in the blackout / I'd like to touch you where the eggs pop out. It's titled "Bird Boner"
- [Heather, the avian processor from the Galactic Housing Council, has arrived via portal to collect the signed eviction papers she previously gave Harry.]
- Heather: Look, just give me the signed papers, okay? And then the Housing Council is going to come, and they're going to collect you for eviction.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You smell woodsy. I will sign them.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Please, Mrs. Bird...
- Heather: Oh, no. Don't come at me with "Mrs. Bird". My Earth name is Heather.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, rhymes with feather.
- Heather: Yeah, it does. Wish someone had told me that when I picked it.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: He's army recon. He wouldn't just quit. What's even more suspicious is, right when we're looking for another deputy, the perfect candidate just shows up. That's how it works for handsome people. Happens to me all the time. Every job I ever got didn't even exist until I wanted it.
- Deputy Liv Baker: The job of sheriff existed before you had it, sir.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Yeah, but it was the day I said to myself, it'd be nice to be sheriff, that old Sheriff Hawthorne up and died. Now, did I kill him? Maybe. Luckily, you can't be arrested for your thoughts... yet. But I'm working on it.
- General Devanney: How does an alien species dig an underground cavern in the middle of a national park for 80 years and we don't know about it?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I can take that one. Humans are stupid.
- D'Arcy Bloom: I saw Elliot today. He has a girlfriend now, which kind of made me feel like shit.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Why are you telling me this?
- D'Arcy Bloom: I don't know, because you're an alien. I figure you can't judge me. It's like talking to a dog.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: If you were happy that he was happy, then why is your face all mopey and your voice is like wet underwear?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: We have been brainstorming all morning. The storm has stopped and now there is just mud.
- Heather: Hey, no one's ever taken on the Housing Council before. What's going on with you? You some kind of bad boy or something?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Yep, I'm a bad boy.
- [breaks a pencil in half]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh. I don't care about it. I'm not even a real doctor.I killed a man. He was evil. I saw him kick a seagull. Oh. And stole its French fry. Uh-uh. So I killed him.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I feel l-love for her. It's... it's like how I feel love for you, Asta, but it is different. It is not just in my head or in my heart, but it is in my pants. Is that why they call it "in love" because it is in your pants?
- Deputy Liv Baker: If we run out of magnets, I got some more office supplies from Amazon Prime.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: The Transformer?
- Deputy Liv Baker: What?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: You know, Optimus Prime's wife.
- Deputy Liv Baker: Uh, no, that's, um, not what I meant. Also, just curious, how would I, like, even meet a Transformer to get a box of magnets from them?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Could be anyplace... the gym, maybe an auto-body shop.
- Max Hawthorne: I saw a movie once where a person saw an owl, and it meant they were being abducted by aliens. Does your butt hurt?
- General Eleanor Wright: [Approaches] Hi!
- [With a bright smile]
- David Logan: [Slightly panicked, as Wright just silently smiles] I'm retired! You retired me!
- [pause]
- David Logan: What if I say no?
- General Eleanor Wright: [With a slightly eager look on her face] I don't know. Let's find out. That would be fun.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Moldar skin is not gross. Moldar skin hats are the best hats.
- [singing]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Moldar skin. Try and rip it. You cannot.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I am building a model of the Yellowstone caldera to figure out what the Greys' plan is to slaughter all of the human race, but I ran out of glitter.
- [Asta and D'Arcy are trying to help Harry from getting evicted from Earth by the Galactic Housing Council]
- Asta Twelvetrees: They can't just make you leave Earth. We will fight this summons.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You do not understand. The Galactic Federation has referred this to *soto voce* the Housing Council. *regular* I-it is over.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, you can't just give up. We need you here, okay? I don't give a shit about this Housing Council.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: No!
- [puts his hand over Asta's mouth]
- Asta Twelvetrees: *muffled* Mmf!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You cannot talk that way about *soto voce* the Housing Council. It is very dangerous.
- Asta Twelvetrees: *muffled* mmm mmmm mmm!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Sorry, I didn't catch that.
- D'Arcy Bloom: I can translate. It's mostly about losing a hand.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [removes his hand from Asta's mouth] Oh.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Good choice.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Once again, I have followed your instincts and led us to victory.
- Deputy Liv Baker: Okay.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: There are many terrifying things in the world, but the most terrifying thing is love.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: She is perfect in every way. I have a strange desire to smell her. That would be weird. I bet she smells like a feather pillow locked in a hot car.
- Heather: You can't have feelings for me. Your species has no emotions.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: But I do. It's the human in me.
- Heather: You ate a human?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: No. I mean, the DNA.
- Heather: Got it. "Cause I was gonna ask you how they ... you know ...
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Taste?
- Heather: Mm-hmm!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I don't know. Probably like ch... like, ah ... ha ha ha
- Heather: You were gonna say chicken.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I wasn't, no.
- Heather: Ah, you were.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I was gonna say chap stick. It's a tasty stick ... of wax.
- Heather: I've eaten quite a few of them.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: If you are happy that he was happy, then why is your face all mopey and your voice is like wet underwear?