- Cameron Tucker: I'm playing a new drinking game. It's called "Every time I'm depressed, I take a drink."
- Mitchell Pritchett: That game exists. It's called alcoholism.
- Phil Dunphy: [Walks in to Haley and Alex scrubbing the kitchen] Whoa. What's all this?
- Haley Dunphy: Mom heard us say we were bored.
- Phil Dunphy: Suckers.
- Alex Dunphy: She heard us from *outside*!
- Haley Dunphy: She has super good hearing, like a seeing eye dog. They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact... wait, the dogs aren't blind. Wait, are they? No, that wouldn't make sense.
- Alex Dunphy: [to Phil] You're right. If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself.
- Phil Dunphy: [His cell phone rings] Quick, girls. Famous Danny from "Moonstruck". Aiello?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Phil, I'm glad I caught ya.
- Phil Dunphy: What's up?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan. They want to see that house on Briar again.
- Phil Dunphy: Really? I showed it to them five times. Last time we were there, I think they got mail.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling. They hate upsetting people. Unless, of course, it's me. Then they don't mind waking me up at seven A.M., asking me to call you.
- Phil Dunphy: It's no problem. I'm just hanging around. Kind of bored, really.
- [Alex and Haley gasp]
- Phil Dunphy: What?
- [Gasps in realization]
- Phil Dunphy: We have an expression around the office for when a sale just isn't happening - 'Commission: Impossible'. Maybe for some people.
- Phil Dunphy: Hey Claire, guess what?
- Claire Dunphy: I'm sorry, honey, I can't talk right now. I told Bethenny I would take her to the airport. I'm late, and she's gonna miss her flight. Where are my keys? Why is that chair still here? I thought you and Luke were gonna put it out on the sidewalk.
- Phil Dunphy: So you can't talk, unless it's about my chores.
- Claire Dunphy: Why don't you just do it now, and you won't be so bored.
- Phil Dunphy: You heard that?
- Claire Dunphy: I hear everything.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: If you have a problem with the way Manny's being raised, you talk to me!
- Jay Pritchett: I am.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [storming out] I don't wanna hear it!
- Phil Dunphy: I have to go show a house. But first, what was Elton John's sexual orientation in the '70s?
- Haley Dunphy, Alex Dunphy: Bi.
- Haley Dunphy: You've done that one before.
- Phil Dunphy: And it never gets old. Like the good Captain Fantastic himself.
- Haley Dunphy: Who fills a vase with marbles?
- Claire Dunphy: Who doesn't see a vase filled with marbles?
- Alex Dunphy: Who wants to hear a bunch of plates crashing?
- Claire Dunphy: What was I thinking? I-I-I just get drunk and I bring a baby into the world?
- Phil Dunphy: That would be four for four.
- Claire Dunphy: I can't go through with it.
- Phil Dunphy: Don't panic. You haven't donated anything yet. Besides, what are the chances your eggs even work?
- [Claire gives him a look]
- Phil Dunphy: What are the chances we can pretend I never said that?
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, wow. When was the last time we talked under a table?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Dad and Gloria's wedding reception.
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria, you and Manny do enough together. Let's let him decide. Where's he walking?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't know, but according to the song he was singing, he was going to the sunny side of the street.
- Jay Pritchett: I cannot express to you enough how bad this kid needs football.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't get to tell everyone how to live their lives. That boys cannot spend time with their mommies, or that brothers and sisters can't make babies.
- Jay Pritchett: So you're all for this?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, it's a freak show! But it's *their* freak show.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: When Manny was five, we didn't have much. We were on our own. So we always dreamed of winning the lottery.
- Manny Delgado: We figured if we collected 100 lucky heads-up pennies and bought a ticket with them, we couldn't lose!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: But now I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home... I feel like I already won the lottery.
- Manny Delgado: So I can keep whatever we win?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I think no. I found most of them.
- Cameron Tucker: Um, Jay, Claire has, um, offered to give us one of her eggs so we can have a baby that's half Pritchett, half Tucker.
- Jay Pritchett: That's unnatural. I'm against it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, surprise, surprise. Jay is against something.
- Jay Pritchett: Cam and Claire wanna have a baby together.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ugh!