- Oderus Urungus: Adam, there is great power in not taking responsibility for yourself. Blame your parents. Blame heavy metal music. Blame violent video games. But don't EVER take responsibility for your own actions.
- Axl the cat: Stop right there! I demand treats. And not just licking the empty can of tuna. I want Pounce! The moist kind with real crab! Do it now! Or I will urinate in your closet for a seventh time.
- Axl the cat: Slave Person! I require food! And then my litter needs to be changed. Something smells... amiss.
- Axl the cat: Humans cannot stop me! I am a cat! I am fearless!
- [Knock at the door]
- Axl the cat: Strange person entering our home! Quick, hide!
- Joe: For the record, I always said the creepy Asian guy down the hall was a serial killer, did I not?
- Lance Rockett: Listen, Adam. We're probably not gonna live through this and, well, I'm just gonna be blunt. I don't want you to die a virgin.
- Adam: I'm not a virgin.
- Lance Rockett: Sure you're not, Adam. Sure you're not.
- Adam: Are you propositioning me?
- Lance Rockett: I don't know. Am I?
- Adam: No thanks, Lance. I'll take my chances outside.
- Lance Rockett: Listen, Joe. We're probably not gonna live through this and, well, I'm just gonna be blunt...
- Joe: -You're asking me second?
- Lance Rockett: Any port in a storm, Dude.
- Joe: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm offended.
- Axl the cat: I'll have you know my name isn't Axl. It is Nigel Carruthers.
- Adam: No it isn't.
- Axl the cat: But can it be?
- Adam: Dude! You ate my cat?
- Oderus Urungus: No one else was going to eat Nigel Carruthers. British food all tastes like cardboard.
- Axl the cat: I'll just take a nap. Wait!
- [Checks watch]
- Axl the cat: I was supposed to be in the bedroom five minutes ago!
- [Dashes off to the bedroom]
- Laura: Leave him alone! You're killing him! He came to me! He came to me! This is worse than the time E.T. left me!
- Axl the cat: Humans cannot stop me! I am a cat! I am fearless!
- [Knock at the door]
- Axl the cat: Strange person entering our home! Quick, hide!
- Axl the cat: I'll just take a nap. Wait!
- [Checks watch]
- Axl the cat: I was supposed to be in the bedroom five minutes ago!
- [Dashes off to the bedroom]
- Axl the cat: Now, scratches! Yes, yes, don't forget the frumunda.
- Adam: What's the frumunda?
- Axl the cat: Frumunda my balls.
- [a blob is running amok in town]
- Oderus Urungus: Dude! Have you seen what's going on outside?
- Adam: What if I told you I knew who was... sort of responsible for it?
- Oderus Urungus: Call the police or the military and report that asshole!
- Adam: What if that someone was... my friends and I?
- Oderus Urungus: Pretend you never saw it. And if they catch you, blame the others! Settle for a plea bargain. By the time they get out of jail, they'll have found God and learned how to forgive you.
- Adam: Corri, sometimes the best way to make up for your mistakes is to just pretend it didn't happen and let someone else deal with fixing it while you capitalize on it for your blossoming film career.