- Claire Dunphy: Honey, come on. Give it up. Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster anymore.
- Haley Dunphy: It's signed by him.
- Claire Dunphy: It's time you knew: they come that way.
- Haley Dunphy: But it's 'To Haley'.
- Claire Dunphy: In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
- Haley Dunphy: Ew! He wrote my 'body is a wonderland.'
- Claire Dunphy: I didn't catch that til after.
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, you finally found something less cool than those pants that zip off into shorts.
- Phil Dunphy: My shants, which you have been gunning for since day one. Does it matter to any of you that this is actually an extremely efficient cardiovascular workout that could prolong my life?
- Claire Dunphy: Mm, yeah, but what kind of life? And with whom?
- Manny Delgado: We're having a yard sale for our Social Studies class to raise money for UNICEF. The point is for us to learn about global altruism.
- Luke Dunphy: No, the point is for us to raise more money than Ms. Cooper's class so we get a pizza and a pool party.
- Manny Delgado: Your cynicism makes me sad for our world.
- Luke Dunphy: Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a pizza.
- Jay Pritchett: The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
- Claire Dunphy: [about Alex's 'gay' boyfriend] If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Aw. You're a 'good mother.'
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm.
- Cameron Tucker: I don't know, Claire. You could be wrong. Boys aren't as concerned about traditional masculinity anymore. You know, they're not butching it up. They're not pushing down their feelings.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, they care about their clothes.
- Cameron Tucker: Mm-hmm.
- Mitchell Pritchett: They-they-they groom.
- Cameron Tucker: Mm-hmm.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Everybody's hairless. Yeah, you can't tell anything anymore.
- Cameron Tucker: Mm-mm.
- Claire Dunphy: Really?
- Alex Dunphy: Oh. Hey. Hey. Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, this is Michael.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hi!
- Cameron Tucker: Hello.
- Michael: [Effeminately] Hi.
- Alex Dunphy: [Leading him away] Okay, come on.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yep, he's gay.
- Cameron Tucker: We stand corrected.
- Manny Delgado: I wonder what's in there.
- Luke Dunphy: Wake up, Delgado. Locked box, from Colombia, 'no more questions'? It's obviously a human head.
- Manny Delgado: Why is that always your first guess?
- Luke Dunphy: One of these days, I'm gonna be right.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That parent was one of the worst nights of my *life*. After weeks of rehearsing, I froze, and we were speechless.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Aw, and you lost.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, I won.
- [Gestures at herself]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Imagine this when I was 18.
- Manny Delgado: Jay, should I get rid of this?
- Jay Pritchett: The hat, the jacket, or the cane? Actually, yes. Just yes.
- Jay Pritchett: [walking into the kitchen] Hey, can I help you?
- Michael: Yeah. Why does everybody think I'm gay?
- Jay Pritchett: God, I hate yard sales!
- Ashtray Guy: How much for the ashtray?
- Jay Pritchett: I don't know. What's the tag say?
- Ashtray Guy: 50 cents. But there's a chip in it.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, that's why it's lying on a blanket on my lawn next to some old corn on the cob handles.
- Ashtray Guy: I'll give you 35.
- Jay Pritchett: You're wearing a $10,000 watch. You're haggling over 15 cents?
- Ashtray Guy: You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
- Jay Pritchett: Fine, 35.
- Ashtray Guy: Can you break a 50?
- Jay Pritchett: Get out.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's going to back in the attic, and I want no more questions.
- Manny Delgado: Why?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's a question.
- Phil Dunphy: I've had bigger hogs than this between my legs.
- [Drives off]
- Jay Pritchett: He really oughta run things through in his head first.
- Manny Delgado: No matter what we find in here, I will always love my mother.
- Luke Dunphy: Even if it's a head?
- Manny Delgado: It's not a head.
- [They open the box]
- Manny Delgado: Oh, my God! It's a head!
- Luke Dunphy: Ah! Finally!
- Claire Dunphy: There he is! Sweetheart, do you love it?
- Phil Dunphy: No, Claire, I do not love it.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, that's too bad, 'cause you look so cool on that.
- Phil Dunphy: [Getting off the motorcycle and revealing he's missing a pant leg] Do I, Claire? Do I really?
- Claire Dunphy: What happened?
- Phil Dunphy: It's a long story. Check your inbox. But suffice it to say, I'm not buying that motorcycle.
- Claire Dunphy: Uh-huh.
- Phil Dunphy: I know what I am, Claire. I'm not a rider. I'm a strider. I hope that's sexy enough for you.
- Claire Dunphy: Well, I can see stuff.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it. It's not like I have another pair of pants.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Gives him a pair of Cam's pants] Well, today is your lucky day. It's for a good cause.
- Cameron Tucker: You might need a belt.
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, I doubt it. I bet we wear the same size.
- Cameron Tucker: Don't do that.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, I just saw Alex and Michael... 'sittin' in a tree'. Don't make me spell this out for you.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, what can you do?
- Claire Dunphy: *I* can't do anything, but you two could talk to her.
- Mitchell Pritchett: And tell her what?
- Claire Dunphy: Michael's playing for the pink team.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, we get to say that. You don't really.
- Claire Dunphy: I know, because you have credibility, and I have the opposite of credibility. I have... I am a mother.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, we're not doing this. No.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, now, hold on just a minute. You now, when I was... young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, how am I supposed to talk into a dry cleaner and *not* mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?
- Claire Dunphy: Can we get back to my problem?
- Mitchell Pritchett: You don't have a problem, okay? They're kids. They're gonna work it out.
- [Walks away]
- Claire Dunphy: [Lowered voice] Can you talk to her?
- Cameron Tucker: Not when she's like this. Oh, you mean Alex. Yeah, I'll do it.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, well, well. What's this all about? Is there a-a new man in Alex's life?
- Claire Dunphy: Well, *she* certainly thinks so.
- [Lowered voice]
- Claire Dunphy: Is there any way that boy is straight?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Ooh, what's going on? Who are we looking at?
- Claire Dunphy: Uh, it's Alex's new 'boyfriend' Michael.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What's up with the air quotes?
- Cameron Tucker: [Lowered voice] She thinks he's gay.
- Claire Dunphy: I 'think' he's gay the same way I 'think' that lamp is hideous.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, brought it, made it in art class.
- Claire Dunphy: Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just-I don't want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is.
- Cameron Tucker: I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.
- Mitchell Pritchett: By all means, look right at me when you say that.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny. What is this case doing here?
- Manny Delgado: I found it in the attic. Why? What is it?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Sets her foot on top so he can't open it] Nothing that concerns you. It's from Colombia.
- Manny Delgado: But I thought you said...
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You thought *nothing*.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm terrified of motorcycles, but sometimes you have to do things to show the world you're still a man. Same reason I got that henna tattoo. Japanese symbol for 'courage.'
- Luke Dunphy: Sorry for snooping around and finding your old-man doll.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: In Colombia, if you snoop around the wrong box, you might end up *inside* that box.
- Luke Dunphy: I shouldn't have done it. Now I feel bad for Manny.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What do you mean?
- Luke Dunphy: Well, I don't know. He's always talking about how brave you are, how you're not afraid of anything. Now... he just seems a little sad.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How sad?
- Luke Dunphy: Don't worry. It's a good thing. He needs a little dose of reality. You walk around school telling everyone how great your mommy is all the time, you find yourself on the business end of a wedgie.
- [In side interview]
- Luke Dunphy: I know how to push buttons to get what I want. And what I want is to see a puppet show.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm so hungry. I don't know how long I'm gonna be out here. I gotta ration my food.
- [Takes a bite of a sandwich and immediately spits it out]
- Phil Dunphy: I said no tomatoes!
- Cameron Tucker: J'accuse!
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm sorry. One more time?
- Cameron Tucker: It's just a dramatic way of accusing you of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Saboteur!
- Mitchell Pritchett: That's a second way.
- Cameron Tucker: How... could... you?
- Mitchell Pritchett: And a third.
- Cameron Tucker: Why, Mitchell? Why?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam... oh, come on. All right, the... this is a little hard to say, but... every time you get rid of these pants, you have to buy them all over again, and you get depressed, all right? This is just a way to have a safety net.
- Cameron Tucker: I can't have a safety net, Mitchell. Otherwise, I won't be successful and keep the weight off. Have you ever thought of that?
- Mitchell Pritchett: No. No, I didn't.
- Cameron Tucker: You know, you're not the only one who remembers all the times I failed.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You're right. I-I should support you more. I'm-I'm sorry.
- Cameron Tucker: I'm happy to hear you say that.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, I'm happy you're happy.
- Alex Dunphy: Well, I hope you both are happy. Michael's not gay. Now he hates me. Thanks a lot.
- Alex Dunphy: Ugh, stop, I get it. I know what you think about Michael, Mom. You didn't have to bring your big gay guns to back you up. No offense.
- Mitchell Pritchett: None taken.
- Cameron Tucker: I kinda like it.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay. Honey, I am worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I told them that this was a bad idea, all right? You know, maybe Michael's gay. Maybe he's not. He is. Your mother just wants you to have all the information so that-that you can go slow.
- Alex Dunphy: Uncle Mitchell, he's straight. We kissed.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, honey, I... I kissed a lot of girls when I wanted to be straight. And your Uncle Cam kissed some, too, he says. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that you make your own-
- [Alex walks away]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Where-wait, where are you going?
- Alex Dunphy: It's not the olden days anymore, you guys. I can just ask him.
- Claire Dunphy: Ohh.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hope you're happy.
- Cameron Tucker: I'm not. That 'olden days' comment was like a punch to the gut. She may as well have spray-painted it on my daddy's barn.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, I'm done with this.
- Phil Dunphy: No way! You're selling the Harley?
- Jay Pritchett: No, I'm just trying to move it out of the way. Some asshat offered me a hundred bucks for it. But with the baby coming, I guess I am gonna sell it.
- Phil Dunphy: Well, she's a beaut.
- Jay Pritchett: What, you wouldn't be interested in it, would you?
- Phil Dunphy: Why wouldn't I be?
- Jay Pritchett: Well, I just never thought of you as a motorcycle kind of guy.
- Phil Dunphy: Well, I would be if Claire would ever let me have one.
- Claire Dunphy: You can have a motorcycle if you want.
- Phil Dunphy: Ha ha ha! Can I also have an affair with my super hot receptionist?
- Claire Dunphy: What super hot receptionist?
- Phil Dunphy: Don't change the subject! Now, what would everybody like for lunch?
- Claire Dunphy: You don't have to buy a motorcycle if you don't want one. But don't blame it on me. I'm fine with it.
- Phil Dunphy: Seriously?
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah. Yeah, look, I know it's not the safest thing in the world. But it *is* sexy.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yes. A lot more sexy than that crazy machine you rode up on.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Is that something that your doctor make you use?
- Jay Pritchett: All right, I'm gonna take this around back, unless you'd like to go for a test-drive.
- Phil Dunphy: Sure. Let's go. Not too fast. Precious cargo.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm not taking you, sweetheart.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm driving?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [about Cam] Oh, every time. Every time he loses weight, he gets rid of his big pants. And then when he puts the weight back on, he has to buy them all new again. It-it's a nightmare.
- Jay Pritchett: Just put the jeans in the car while he's in the house.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, dad! That's incredibly dis- I'm gonna do that. Yeah.
- Luke Dunphy: Whoa! Where do you think you're going with those?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, these aren't for sale.
- Luke Dunphy: Hey, this is for charity. You know you're taking those jeans out of the hands of some needy, giant children.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You know they're not getting the actual jeans, right, Luke?
- Luke Dunphy: Oh. Right. Well, then how about a donation?
- Mitchell Pritchett: $20 bucks?
- Luke Dunphy: $100.
- Mitchell Pritchett: ... $20?
- Luke Dunphy: Sure, what's it to you if some kid gets sick bathing in Poo River, Africa?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Gives him the money] Ew.
- Phil Dunphy: [Recording himself stuck under the motorcycle] Turns out today wasn't the first day of the rest of my life. Oh, my goodness. There's some DVDs in a shoe box in, uh, my closet that I was holding for... a buddy. Um, you can go ahead and just throw the whole box away.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
- Claire Dunphy: I don't know. She looks okay.
- Cameron Tucker: [Sees Alex with Michael] Oh, looks like they made up.
- Claire Dunphy: Hmm. If she would just listen to me, I could help her avoid so much pain.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm, you're right.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, at least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arrangement. Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous... til she pulled it apart and spelled 'homo' on my porch.
- Claire Dunphy: This doesn't make me feel any better.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Brings out Uncle Grumpy] Gather around, everybody. I want you to meet somebody.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, but that might.
- Phil Dunphy: [Test-driving Jay's motorcycle] I know I looked super cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was terrified. And then I remembered that Fonzie once put together a whole motorcycle while blind. And I thought, 'That was a great show', and I got really distracted and-and I forgot I was scared. So I headed up the canyon and I left the city behind. I'd never felt so exhilarated. I don't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere on that lonely road... the bike and I became one.
- [Turns off the engine and the bike starts tipping]
- Phil Dunphy: Oh. Ohh. Oh, no. No. Oh, you're heavy! No! Ohh!
- [Bike falls over and traps him underneath]
- Phil Dunphy: Uh-oh.
- Toaster Guy: Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
- Toaster Guy: Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
- Jay Pritchett: Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one.
- Toaster Guy: I don't know. What's your return policy?
- Jay Pritchett: You return, I call the police.
- [Looks closer at the toaster]
- Jay Pritchett: Where'd you get that?
- Toaster Guy: From the kitchen.
- Jay Pritchett: Give me that!
- Toaster Guy: [Passes the toaster and points at Stella] You selling the pot-belled pig?
- Jay Pritchett: Get out of my driveway.
- [to Stella]
- Jay Pritchett: You're not a pig. You're Daddy's little girl.
- Phil Dunphy: If I had to make a playlist for being trapped under a motorcycle, it'd be, um... 'Stuck in the Middle,' 'Hit the Road, Jack,' um, anything by Heavy D. Ooh, Pointer Sisters, 'Neutron Dance.'
- Cameron Tucker: You know, Alex, you and Michael remind me so much of me and my first girlfriend, Annabelle Pickett.
- Claire Dunphy: Huh. You had a girlfriend? Oh.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, too. So, one year, I asked her to go to the church bazaar lip sync contest with me, and we did our version of 'Endless Love', which was ironic, because two weeks later, I fell head over heels for a young square-jawed rodeo ticket-taker named Woody Ray.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, no.
- Cameron Tucker: Of course, she was devastated, just destroyed her. And then she spray-painted something unrepeatable on my daddy's barn and never spoke to me again.
- Manny Delgado: Remember, everyone, this is for charity. Every dollar we earn helps a diseased child, a starving child, an abused child. Now have fun!
- Cameron Tucker: Speaking of starving children, here's my contribution - six pair of jeans that don't fit me anymore because I've lost 25 pounds. That's, like... one, two, three children's bowling balls.
- Luke Dunphy: You're not even here anymore.
- Haley Dunphy: But it's my stuff. Where's Mom? Luke, take me to Mom. And move slow. I'm still drunk-
- [Claire walks up]
- Haley Dunphy: -king my coffee. Mom!
- Jay Pritchett: Ugh, I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. Why can't I just write a check?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of people in the driveway.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. Then it's 'It's just a local call', 'Can I use your bathroom?', 'My mother needs to lie down.' No, it just stinks.
- Manny Delgado: He did write a check.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Shh! The less he knows, the better.
- Phil Dunphy: [Comes out of the garage on a walking bike] Heads up! Coming through!
- Claire Dunphy: Wow! I am glad you're finally getting rid of that thing.
- Phil Dunphy: What? I'm not selling this bad boy. I was gonna meet you at your dad's and get a little exercise on the way. What's, uh, what's your beef with my StreetStrider?
- Alex Dunphy: Even *I* think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in Elvish.
- Phil Dunphy: It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up.
- Luke Dunphy: I hope you mean into the garage, because I have friends on this street.
- Alex Dunphy: Mom, is it okay if Michael comes to the yard sale?
- Claire Dunphy: Well, honey, didn't you see him last night?
- Alex Dunphy: So? Why don't you like my boyfriend?
- Claire Dunphy: I do like him.
- [Cut to side interview]
- Claire Dunphy: I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay.
- Alex Dunphy: [In her own side interview] Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I questioned his sexuality. But then... we made out. A couple times. There was even a little... under-the-shirt action.
- [Grinning]
- Alex Dunphy: His chest is very smooth.
- Mitchell Pritchett: C-Cam, are-are you really getting rid of all of these? I mean, they're almost new. It's... well, what if you, um...
- Cameron Tucker: What if I what, Mitchell? Put the weight back on?
- Mitchell Pritchett: No! No.
- [Chuckles awkwardly]
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, what if you-you think of some creative art project that requires denim? You know, something farm, or Kelly Clarkson-themed?
- Cameron Tucker: I've already done so much with that motif...
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah. Yeah.
- Cameron Tucker: You know what? No, sell 'em! I wanna purge, which, for the record, is not how I lost this weight.