- Cam is left without a lead on the first school performance of "Phantom of the Opera," Phil and Mitchell play golf with Jay, and Haley and her boyfriend help Claire take care of the baby.
- Everyone is up in arms right now. Claire (Julie Bowen) agreed to take care of Joseph (I'm with Jay; he ain't Fulgencio) while Jay (Ed O'Neill) tried (emphasis on tried) to teach Phil (Ty Burrell) how to play golf so he could be more client-friendly in that regard. Also, it would help Jay to learn patience, something Gloria (Sofía Vergara) says he needs when taking care of a newborn. Meanwhile, Cameron's (Eric Stonestreet) class is doing The Phantom of the Opera (2004) and Luke (Nolan Gould) can't get anybody to attend to see the scenery he painted, although Manny (Rico Rodriguez) wanted to step in for the lead, who probably got sick from chewing on scenery according to him. But it turns out the lead had mono. Cam was panicking because he was afraid of his funding being cut. That is, until one of the kids made fun of Luke's scenery painting, which prompted him to prove he could sing better than the kid in the musical. And he could...really, really well. Cam had his Phantom. Much to Manny's chagrin.
CAMERON: He knows the music, he sings like a nightingale, and he has a theatrical madness in his eyes you just can't teach.
MANNY: That's from all the paint.
Of course, Manny still wants the role, so he offers to tell Luke the good news. He decides to try the ol' reverse psychology on Luke, saying he could do the job and won't screw everything up and get mocked by all the cool kids. He was one of them now: the theater geeks. And it worked. Luke turned down Cam's offer to play the lead. Right in front of the school's theater critic. But Cameron would soldier on. Manny suggested he play the role, which Cameron accepted, because he was about to play the role himself.
Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) caught up to Jay and Phil on the golf course, accompanied by Pepper (Nathan Lane). It turns out that was on purpose. Mitch spent six months getting golf lessons from Pepper just so he could show up Jay, who never thought he could be good in sports. And Mitchell should demand his money back from Pepper because all his did was drive his club into the ground.
While Claire obsesses over almost tripping and falling on one of Phil's golf balls, Haley (Sarah Hyland) and Dylan have taken it upon themselves to babysit Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) and Joseph. Actually, Dylan's taking care of both of them and doing a really good job, feeding Joseph his bottle and teaching Lily how to play guitar. Haley even made Lily her favorite lunch. In fact, things would go even more smoothly once Claire left them alone. (DYLAN: Good, she's gone. Get your camera and I'm going to make his little hand flip us off again.)
Gloria had to get a bunch of things ready for the musical. Translation, she made Alex (Ariel Winter) carry a heavy cooler of dry ice because she just had a baby. (ALEX: Really? I've watched you carry Manny to bed.) But Gloria had enough time to go see her psychic, which naturally Alex had to chortle about if she could chortle while carrying a heavy cooler of dry ice because Gloria just had a baby. But Gloria convinced her to go to her psychic. Alex was naturally skeptical, and Gloria explained to the psychic that Alex didn't have a boyfriend.
PSYCHIC: But she will soon.
ALEX: (shushing Gloria) Go on.
But Alex was trying to prove her psychic was a fake, so Alex made up a few lines to respond to the psychic to make it sound like she was being convinced. Like she was going to a renaissance faire after the psychic saw her boyfriend on a horse. Gloria was loving it, so Alex kept feeding the psychic false information.
ALEX: It's like Scrabble with Haley. After a while, you're just playing against yourself.
On the golf course, Mitchell is doing horribly, and Pepper gives him a good slap. (A real one, not the one you're thinking of.) Pepper is sick and tired of Mitchell holding back. (PEPPER: That man has been Mitch-slapping you all of your life.) It was time to get angry and aggressive. It certainly worked for Phil, who got read the riot act by Jay, who had had enough of his horrible play. And like many bad golfers, when they're angry enough, they make a great shot. Jay apologizes for yelling at him but Phil wants him to keep it up, just like his old tumbling instructor in college used to do. So Jay gives him both barrels (which made Phil cry) but Pepper said Jay was talking to ten-year-old and twelve-year-old Mitch as well. He got mad, hit the shot, and had the same result.
MITCHELL: (to the shot) Suck it, Nancy!
PEPPER: (offended) I was just trying to help.
Claire's obsession with tripping and falling was starting to get in the way of Dylan successfully getting Joseph to bed. Haley had thoughts of starting her own family, and Claire thought she'd put a stop to it by making a lot of noise to get Joseph awake and crying. No, it didn't work. Not even trying to set off the smoke detector, which Lily busted her on, no less. But it turns out Haley thought she did all of the work today and Dylan took exception to that. He went home, Haley went to her room, and Claire was successful in setting off the smoke detector and getting Joseph to cry just in time for her to take care of it.
Down to the final hole, and Mitchell needed to sink a putt to win the match. Phil liked what Jay did for him, given his own father was often too supportive and not harsh enough. (PHIL: He even set up my tumbling equipment and be the loudest voice in the crowd. "Hey everybody! Check out my son's equipment!") Jay wished Mitchell good luck and said he was proud of him no matter what, but Pepper put a stop to it. Jay was Cats in the Cradle-ing him. Jay was trying to get Mitch to lose his angry edge. Pepper did the same thing to his Navy SEAL son. But not to worry, Mitchell put that in the bottom of the cup. Jay congratulated him and Mitchell believed him when Jay said he wasn't Cats in the Cradle-ing him. Jay hates the song, natch, but Phil had never even heard of it. Then Pepper played it for all of them, and the waterworks started. Mitch admitted he should have golfed with Jay sooner, and Jay admitted he never made the time. And Phil was so upset about not going to Luke's play, he skipped golf with his client and ran to the school.
Manny's singing was...not good. But since time was short, Cameron played Luke's performance and told him to copy that. Manny admitted Luke could sing, so he talked Luke into performing. And Alex ended up with a bit of karmic retribution, because a cute guy sat next to her wearing a school sweater with a knight on it. And Phil and Claire were wonderfully surprised to see Luke on stage. Phil even cried, partly because his father (Fred Willard) came up to see the performance. But on the good side, his client loved trampolines as much as Phil did, so he still got the commission.
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