[first lines]
June Colburn: [narrating] Every relationship has its own dynamic. For example, my Mom and I still like to talk every night before bed.
Connie Colburn: [Skype] And then the dog found my other gardening cloth. And that's everything that happened to me today.
Donald Colburn: And the day isn't over yet.
[kisses wife]
Donald Colburn: Let's put on some Lyle Lovett and get horizontal.
Connie Colburn: Ah...
June Colburn: Okay, bye!
[closes laptop with a grimace]
June Colburn: But I don't think I will ever understand Chloe and James' dynamic.
Chloe: [as they enter, pretend-bickering:] Good thing your face was so oily tonight. I could check my makeup on your forehead.
James Van Der Beek: I wish you had. You look like a runner-up in a town's beauty pageant in Ohio.
Chloe: You look like you just got back from the Douchey Awards, and won five Doucheys.
James Van Der Beek: Only award you could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.
June Colburn: I don't get how you guys can talk to each other like that. It's so mean. Especially before bedtime.
James Van Der Beek: It's not mean, it's just us.
Chloe: [to June] What I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.
June Colburn: Oh, they're my Midwest breakfast pajamas. I've had them since high school.
Chloe: [to James] When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on TV.
James Van Der Beek: Watching me pretend to be in high school on TV was as close to high school as you ever got.
June Colburn: You're agitating me. I'm gonna need a second cup of chamomile to go to sleep.