Community (TV Series)
Economics of Marine Biology (2013)
Jim Rash: Dean Pelton
Photos
Quotes
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Dean Pelton : Release the whores.
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Dean Pelton : Abed, I told you we're not doing the fraternity idea.
Abed Nadir : The Delta Cubes will never die. We've only just begun to fight.
Dean Pelton : You only began yesterday.
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Dean Pelton : Magnitude, you're not to say "pop pop" ever again.
Magnitude : [Looks as though his whole existence is crumbing] Not... pop?
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Dean Pelton : Archie, wake up!
Archie : Chillax, bro. It's not even noon.
Dean Pelton : I will neither chill nor relax.
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Dean Pelton : ...I will explain the value of this whale by describing one who's been swimming right under your nose. Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80% of Greendale's classes more than twice. He is the only Greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker or the extended pencil warranty.
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Dean Pelton : Greendale is a nice welcome banner. Greendale is a foamless cafeteria. And Greendale is Magnitude saying "pop pop." Now, I am a man of very little integrity, and I let students get away with practically anything on this campus, but I will not allow Greendale to lose the things that make it Greendale.
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Britta Perry : This is a slippery slope.
Dean Pelton : Well, City College slipped that slope when they slipped him that scooter, but they sure slipped up when they let him set foot on our soil.
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Dean Pelton : I, for one, am still proud of what we did for Greendale.
Magnitude : [Emerges from the back of the study room] I've been up all night trying out new catchphrases.
[Half-heartedly]
Magnitude : Diggity doo?
Dean Pelton : My God, what have we done?
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Carl : We need this whale money. The kid likes snowboarding. Maybe Shaun White finds his way on the faculty roster. He likes to party. Maybe Greendale suddenly has a frat. The Delta Cubes, or whatever.
[Abed raises an eyebrow]
Britta Perry : Dean, you're not considering this, are you?
Dean Pelton : No, no. Greendale stands on its own. No hookers, no blow, no Shaun White frat.
Abed Nadir : College dean threatening a fraternity...
[Stands up dramatically]
Abed Nadir : You'll never shut down the Delta Cubes.
Dean Pelton : What?
Abed Nadir : [Leaves, chanting] Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!
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Jeff Winger : Actually, you can count me in on this one.
Shirley Bennett , Dean Pelton , Annie Edison , Britta Perry , Abed Nadir , Troy Barnes : What?
Jeff Winger : You had me at "no Pierce."
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Dean Pelton : Age, 22, total years spent in high school, seven. Sat score zero. And he was recently arrested for selling marijuana to a police officer at a police station.
Britta Perry : So, you want us to help you recruit this idiot instead of an honors student or a science genius?
Jeff Winger : [sarcastically] Do we go to the same Greendale?
Dean Pelton : Ah, but let me reveal the fortune inside this cookie. Family net worth, $8 million. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we in the community college recruiting game call a "whale." The perfect mix of low intellect, high lack of ambition, and limitless parental support.
Jeff Winger : So, a rich dumb-dumb who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.
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Richie : Tour sucks, bro.
Dean Pelton : What?
Richie : You gotta think big. Hookers, blow, hookers.
[Jeff raises eyebrows in disbelief]
Carl : He's been mixing, but there is some wisdom there.
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Abed Nadir : [addresses a line of seven male students, standing at attention, each wearing a diaper, a delta cube t-shirt, a blue bonnet and a pacifier hanging from a white ribbon around the wearer's neck] Delta Cubes! Prepare to bond through embarrassment. Pacifiers in! Commence...
[Craig, Annie, Britta and Archie come into view]
Abed Nadir : Code Dean! Code Dean!
[Abed and fraternity candidates scatter]
Dean Pelton : Gosh dean it, Abed! I told you, no fraternities!
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Dean Pelton : Oh, you look pretty sad for someone whose forensics club can now afford that state-of-the-art body farm. Mmm! I can smell the corpses now.
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Dean Pelton : Now, I am a man of very little integrity, and I let students get away with practically anything on this campus...