Community (TV Series)
Intro to Felt Surrogacy (2013)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Shirley Bennett : Thank you, Jeff. And I don't think you're anything like your father.
Jeff Winger : I don't know how you take care of one kid, let alone three.
Shirley Bennett : Aw, that's nice.
Annie Edison : So nobody thinks I'm a slutty cheater?
The Group : No.
Troy Barnes : Or me as a criminal?
The Group : No.
Britta Perry : Nobody respects me any less as a political activist, right?
Annie Edison : [after a slight pause] Well...
[everyone in the group fall silent, not knowing what to say]
Jeff Winger : [after a longer pause] The level to which we respect you as a political activist has definitely not changed.
Annie Edison : That's how I would say it.
Troy Barnes : Exactly.
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[the group members are sharing their secrets]
Jeff Winger : I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid.
[the characters break out in song]
Jeff Winger : I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had. But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.
Britta Perry : I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I've never voted, except when I watch The Voice.
Annie Edison : I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.
Troy Barnes : I caused the Greendale Fire of '03. Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.
Jeff Winger , Britta Perry , Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir , Shirley Bennett : This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret's out.
Balloon Guide : [in a normal voice] There you are. Come on, guys.
Pierce Hawthorne : [singing] I've never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry-humped inside of her tour bus.
Jeff Winger , Britta Perry , Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir , Shirley Bennett , Pierce Hawthorne : This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt.
Jeff Winger : And now my most terrible secret's out.
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Shirley Bennett : Oh, Heaven, help us.
Annie Edison : We must be a mile above the ground.
Pierce Hawthorne : That's international airspace. We're literally above the law. Jeff can marry any man he wants.
Jeff Winger : Wait a second, guys. I think we're starting to go down.
Shirley Bennett : [Looking at Britta] You see? Prayer works.
Britta Perry : So does gravity, Shirley.
Shirley Bennett : And you know who invented gravity, right?
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Jeff Winger : Let's put a pin in the mysteries of the universe convo until we land.
Abed Nadir : Which will be sooner than we thought. We're gaining speed fast, people. Oh! Brace for impact
Shirley Bennett : Oh, damn you, gravity!
Britta Perry : Damn you, prayer!
Pierce Hawthorne : Damn you, Vicki!
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Jeff Winger : We've had the same conversation a million times. I guess we're kind of stuck in a...
Troy Barnes , Britta Perry , Annie Edison , Shirley Bennett , Pierce Hawthorne , Abed Nadir : Rut?
Jeff Winger : Yes. But to be fair, there's not many things you could be stuck in.
Annie Edison : Elevators.
Shirley Bennett : Bad marriages.
Annie Edison : A peat bog.
Pierce Hawthorne : On a flight in the middle seat.
Abed Nadir : Time loops.
Britta Perry : The bottom of a well.
Troy Barnes : Your own emotions.
Abed Nadir : Quicksand.
Troy Barnes : Traffic.
Pierce Hawthorne : The middle of a lonely desert island...
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Jeff Winger : Shirley, wait. I think I know how to make you feel a little less horrible.
Britta Perry : I like where you're headed. Okay, who's holding? I have four berries, but I am saving them for Laser Floyd.
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Dean Pelton : You don't wanna talk about it, and you won't have to. They will talk for you.
[dumps puppets on study room table]
Jeff Winger : Why did you make, have, and bring these?
Dean Pelton : Mmm.
Jeff Winger : Don't answer.
Britta Perry : It's puppet therapy.
Dean Pelton : Mm-hmm.
Britta Perry : The psychology world has recently embraced it after seeing it on Law & Order.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, look. A downstream.
[gasps, pulls the blast valve cord which causes the balloon to rise rapidly]
Troy Barnes , Jeff Winger , Britta Perry , Annie Edison , Abed Nadir , Shirley Bennett : Pierce! No! Whoa!
Troy Barnes : If we fly to heaven, please don't tell my grandpa about me and Britta.
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Jeff Winger : Look, we were all feeling crappy earlier, but at least we were feeling crappy together. Shirley is alone now. This is the only way to put us on equal footing, and if it makes it any easier, we can use these puppets.
Dean Pelton : Ah, yay!
Jeff Winger : Shut up.
Dean Pelton : Okay.