- Clark Kent: So just keep your ears open. Let me know if you hear any buzz about the Joker.
- Bibbo: Sure thing, Mr. Kent. Uh... but, uh, which one? There's lots of jokers around here.
- Dan Turpin: [the laughing Carlini is in the hospital] They found him like this at the city dump. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
- Superman: But we know who did it. He's telling us right now.
- Superman: I won't have vigilantism in my town.
- Batman: You'll be rid of me as soon as I find the Joker.
- Superman: That may not be soon enough.
- [Batman takes out a sliver of kryptonite]
- Superman: [recoiling] Uhh.
- Batman: It doesn't take much, does it? The Joker has 20 pounds more where this came from. Thought you might like to know.
- Lex Luthor: [getting into his limousine] The office. Now.
- Harley Quinn: Swell, Mr. L.
- Lex Luthor: Mr. L? Mercy?
- Harley Quinn: Oh, yeah, she had a little accident.
- Lex Luthor: [she locks the doors and drives out into traffic] All right, missy, I don't know what your game is, but I promise you, you'll pay dearly for this. You're dead! Do you hear me?
- Harley Quinn: [yawning] Blah, blah, blah. Whoa, mama! Check out the cute hitchhiker!
- The Joker: [showing leg like a femme fatale] Yoo-hoo!
- Lex Luthor: [Harley stops the car and he gets in] Joker.
- The Joker: Lexy, old kid, do I have a deal for you.
- The Joker: Carlini, all that spicy food. You look a little gassy.
- Ceasar Carlini: [having laughing gas sprayed in his face] No! Stop!
- The Joker: [dragging a laughing Carlini, tied up in a sack, to a storage pantry] Adios, muchacho.
- [to Carlini's henchmen]
- The Joker: Holy guacamole. Looks like you need a new leader. I nominate me.
- Harley Quinn: I second the nomination.
- The Joker: All opposed?
- Lex Luthor: As you can see, the Wayne-Lex T-7 can traverse the most difficult terrain, never losing sight of its ultimate target.
- Bruce Wayne: Congratulations.
- Lex Luthor: This is your project, too, you know.
- Bruce Wayne: Well, I'm proud of the work both our teams have done. These robots are going to revolutionize unmanned space travel.
- Lex Luthor: Actually, there may be a use for them closer to home. The Joint Chiefs have shown tremendous interest. It doesn't take much imagination to envision these robots on the battlefield.
- Bruce Wayne: Except... I won't allow it.
- Lex Luthor: What?
- Bruce Wayne: I don't like guns.
- Lex Luthor: Well, Bruce, I think I have something to say about this.
- Bruce Wayne: Not according to our deal. All technological applications need my approval first. Blame it on me, Lex. Tell your pals at the Pentagon I just don't have the imagination.
- Batman: Where's the Joker?
- Binko: Who knows? Making ha-ha with Harley Quinn.
- [Batman applies pressure around his throat]
- Binko: I don't know, honest! I never went back after he muscled in. I don't want nothing to do with that clown.
- Superman: That's enough. I think you got your answer.
- [Batman throws him across the room]
- Superman: [getting up and knocking him over] I heard you were crazy. I didn't think you were stupid.
- [using his x-ray vision on Batman's cowl]
- Superman: Bruce Wayne?
- Batman: You peeked.
- The Joker: [Harley sprays laughing gas into an antique shopowner's face] Good work, Harley, girl. Now, what would be a suitable trade for our joke-in-the-box?
- [a jade dragon catches his eye]
- The Joker: Ooh! For some reason, this just speaks to me. What do you think, Harl?
- Harley Quinn: It's you, puddin'.
- [straining, he yanks it off its base]
- The Joker: [to the dead shopkeeper as they leave] Awfully nice doing business with you. Ta. What a pleasant fellow.
- Detective Bullock: It's weird. All this junk, and the Joker only takes one lousy statue.
- Commissioner Jim Gordon: Especially since word on the street says he's desperate for cash these days.
- Batman: Things are never what they seem with the Joker.
- Detective Bullock: I guess the night brings out all the wackos.
- Commissioner Jim Gordon: [Batman takes a small sliver from the statue base] It was made of jade, worth maybe a hundred grand.
- Batman: I'd like a closer look.
- Detective Bullock: Hey! He can't leave a crime scene with evidence.
- Commissioner Jim Gordon: You want to stop him, be my guest.
- Clark Kent: I hear Wayne's deal with LexCorp could run into the billions. He's a high-roller.
- Lois Lane: I hear he's nothing but Gotham trash. Rich, spoiled, and...
- [seeing Bruce as he debarks his plane]
- Lois Lane: ...absolutely gorgeous.
- [reporters shout questions at him]
- Lois Lane: Quick, is my hair straight?
- Superman: I hope I didn't shake you and the others up too badly.
- Lois Lane: I hate to say... I've gotten used to it.
- [he turns to fly away]
- Lois Lane: Um, Superman...
- Superman: Yes?
- Lois Lane: Um, how can I put this? I was just thinking it might be nice to see each other when I wasn't... I don't know, falling out a window or something. Not that I'm not grateful for all the times you've helped me, you understand.
- Superman: I understand.
- Lois Lane: You do?
- Superman: [hearing an explosion nearby] It's the First National Bank.
- Lois Lane: You'd better go. People might...
- [he flies away]
- Lois Lane: ...get hurt.
- [leaving]
- Lois Lane: "I understand, Lois." Really? You do? "Yep, you're a complete moron." Why, thank you, Superman. I think I'm a total loser, too. Jeez.
- Lois Lane: [to stop a group of hijackers, Superman flips Air Force One upside-down] Thanks for strapping me in.
- Lois Lane: I just wanted to let you know I'll be in late tomorrow. I'm having breakfast with Bruce.
- Clark Kent: Isn't that special.
- Lois Lane: Do I detect a note of disapproval?
- Clark Kent: [finding a bat-tracker on his cape] You were the one who compared him to garbage.
- Lois Lane: Well, I was wrong. He's very thoughtful, and much deeper than the gossip mongers would lead you to believe. You'd be surprised.
- Clark Kent: Would I, now?
- Lois Lane: I'll let you go so you can count sheep or whatever you Kansas boys dream about. Bye.
- Clark Kent: [spotting Batman spying on him from a nearby rooftop] Touché.
- Bruce Wayne: So he just appears when there's trouble? No special signal?
- Lois Lane: He's not like your Batman, thank goodness.
- Bruce Wayne: Then how do you contact him?
- Lois Lane: Committing a felony helps. Listen, you seem awfully interested in Superman. Do you want me to fix you two up?
- Bruce Wayne: Sorry.
- Lois Lane: No, I'm sorry. It's just that I was hoping to get away from the subject of the Man of Steel for one night. I've been a little too consumed with him lately.
- Bruce Wayne: Maybe we could change subjects.
- Lois Lane: [being led to the dance floor] No more men in tights?
- Bruce Wayne: Deal.
- Alfred: According to this, the Laughing Dragon has earned quite a foreboding reputation. Ever since it was carved in China nearly 30 years ago, it has passed through several owners, all of whom died prematurely.
- Batman: And I can tell you why. This so-called jade is emitting low-level radiation. Alfred, isn't Bruce Wayne about due for a trip to Metropolis?
- Alfred: Yes, but do you think this is an appropriate time?
- Batman: I'd say the timing couldn't be better.
- Bruce Wayne: Aren't you the famous Lois Lane?
- Lois Lane: Me, famous? Well, hardly. I mean... this is Clark Kent.
- Clark Kent: [offering a handshake] Mr. Wayne.
- Bruce Wayne: [helping Lois pick up her dropped belongings instead] I read all about your adventure on Air Force One. You're quite the newsmaker.
- Lois Lane: No more than you. Which brings up the question of why you're in town.
- Mercy Graves: Mr. Wayne, your car.
- Bruce Wayne: Maybe we can discuss it over dinner, if you're available.
- Lois Lane: Totally. I... I mean, I think so. I'll have to check my cal... y-yes.
- Bruce Wayne: Great. I'll pick you up at 8:00.
- The Joker: Caesar Carlini, my old pal! Why, I haven't seen you since... wait, I've never seen you, have I? You need to get out more.
- Ceasar Carlini: Who is this clown?
- The Joker: Not clown... Joker. I'm town on business, and I need a place to hang my hat.
- Ceasar Carlini: Try the Motel 9.
- The Joker: But it'll be so much cozier at your place, like a sleepover.
- Ceasar Carlini: Are you nuts? Kill him!
- Harley Quinn: [Carlini's henchmen draw guns on him] Ooh, can I play, too?
- [bouncing on them on a pogo stick]
- Harley Quinn: Boingy. Boingy. Boingy.
- The Joker: Ooh! Rich Corinthian leather.
- Lex Luthor: What do you want?
- The Joker: I sense we are kindred spirits, you and I. Oh, there are differences, to be sure, like hair. But underneath it all, we're both entrepreneurs, men of vision. We see an opportunity we grab it. Am I right?
- [Lex doesn't answer]
- The Joker: Right. But in the past few weeks, I've had a run of bad luck. Bad luck that wears a cape. Thanks to that miserable, pointy-eared rodent Batman, all my operations in Gotham City have been shut down. But you, too, have an overgrown bully in long underwear, which brings me to my little proposition.
- Lex Luthor: I'm listening.
- The Joker: Pay me $1 billion, and I'll kill Superman.
- Lex Luthor: [chuckling] What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume?
- The Joker: There's nothing mere about Batmortal. Besides, I've read up on your flyboy. I know his weakness.
- [showing Lex the statue he stole]
- The Joker: See? Solid kryptonite.
- Lex Luthor: You know I can't be connected to this in any way.
- The Joker: Oh, you'll be Mr. Clean. I promise. Deal?
- Lex Luthor: [shaking hands] Deal.