Criminal Minds (TV Series)

The Black Queen (2014)

Kirsten Vangsness: Penelope Garcia

Photos 

Quotes 

• Penelope Garcia : Oh, beauty and brains! Hey eyebrows: when they do the men of the FBI calendar, is it just 12 months of you?

  Derek Morgan : Welcome to the team!

• [2004, FBI Field Office, San Jose, California] 

  Aaron Hotchner : We've got you, Miss Garcia!

  Penelope Garcia : If you say so, suit!

  Aaron Hotchner : We've got evidence of your off-site servers and of your hack into the cosmetics company

  Penelope Garcia : They test on animals!

  Aaron Hotchner : Yes they do, but it's not illegal; what you've done is a felony and it's punishable by prison

  Penelope Garcia : You've got me J. Edgar

  Aaron Hotchner : It's agent Hotchner. And I'm of the Behavior Analysis Unit! And I'm here to offer you an option to prison: you come work for me, you be our technical analyst

  Penelope Garcia : So, I teach you how to use Google, that kind of thing? That's fun!

  Aaron Hotchner : You'd help us hunt psychopaths

  Penelope Garcia : I'm a psychopath!

  Aaron Hotchner : No. you're not! In hacker circles you're known as the Black Queen. And you are rigorously moral: all of your online attacks reflect a fierce desire to protect those who you think are being hurt. You accept my offer and you can do the same thing for the federal government. I just need a resume to give to human resources. Or we prosecute you!

  Penelope Garcia : Well, I'm not in the habit of bringing my resume to events I am handcuffed at! But I have some stationary in my purse and I will write down some computery stuff I know and think about it!

  [Morgan enters, Hotchner answers phone, Garcia starts writing on pink paper] 

  Aaron Hotchner : I need an answer

  Penelope Garcia : Yes, if I can keep my purse

  Aaron Hotchner : Good choice!

• Penelope Garcia : [closing quote]  "To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, it's still allowed and I think you'll be happier for the trouble" - Bill Watterson

• Alex Blake : Hackers have signatures?

  Penelope Garcia : Sometimes. Usually it's a message in the code to let other pros know, "Hey, this one was me." And in this case, the signature matches the DOJ hack, and it is, "Happy Fun Meow Meow."

  Jennifer Jareau : Sorry, what?

  Penelope Garcia : "Happy Fun Meow Meow."

  David Rossi : What the hell does that mean?

  Aaron Hotchner : It was Garcia's signature before she joined the BAU.

• David Rossi : Any idea who's behind it?

  Penelope Garcia : Best guess is that's online collective known as Star Chamber. There one of several justice oriented groups that sprung up in the wake of the Steubenville rape case

  Alex Blake : Star Chamber? Interesting name

  Dr. Spencer Reid : It's derived from the 17th century British court designed to ensure fair enforcement of laws against the rich and powerful

  Penelope Garcia : Actually according to my research they named it that because it's also the name of a mediocre, yet awesome Michael Douglas movie from 1983

• Penelope Garcia : It's time.

  Derek Morgan : Time for what?

  Penelope Garcia : Isn't it obvious, eyebrows? I have to get into character.

• Rhonda : Sexual harassment isn't always a quid pro quo arrangement. Maybe it's a conversation between two co-workers that makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe these co-workers use phrases like, "Baby girl." "Chocolate thunder. " Or, "Where's my big black twelve-pack?"

  Penelope Garcia : [whispers]  Who blabbed?

  Rhonda : And that creates a what? A hostile work environment. So, messages like, "More cushion for the pushing" Not appropriate. "I'll be Coco to your Ice-T." Not appropriate. "Flarpy blunderguff." I don't even know what that means.

  [Garcia receives a text message] 

  Rhonda : But, not appropriate. Ms. Garcia, you really have to stay for this.

  Penelope Garcia : I'm sorry, but I got... I... I have to... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so... I'm so, so sorry.

  Rhonda : Not appropriate.

• Penelope Garcia : So, I have a confession to make.

  Derek Morgan : Mm.

  Penelope Garcia : You are not the first guy to call me "baby girl."

  Derek Morgan : Get outta here.

  Penelope Garcia : It's true.

  Derek Morgan : It better not be that guy.

  Penelope Garcia : Oh. No. Actually, it was a different guy.

  Derek Morgan : Okay, I'll bite. How did this pretender to the throne end up stealing my fire?

  Penelope Garcia : I'm going to tell you, but first, I have to explain an explicit, sexually inappropriate detail what a flarpy blunderguff is. Okay, so, you need like an oil-based paint and some charcoal and some sort of food that you love. I mean love, because you are gonna be with it...

• John Nichols : What is going on?

  Shane Wyeth : She's back.

  [claps his hands seeing Garcia comes in] 

  Shane Wyeth : Very nice... You... You've lost weight... You miss me?

  Penelope Garcia : No.

  Shane Wyeth : Okay... Why don't you... prove it?

  Penelope Garcia : [to Ethan]  Hi.

  Ethan : Hi.

  Penelope Garcia : I'm going to kiss you.

  Ethan : Okay.

  Penelope Garcia : [after kissing Ethan]  Thank you.

  [to Shane] 

  Penelope Garcia : We have a lot to talk about.

  Shane Wyeth : Yes, we do.

• Shane Wyeth : When I win, what do I get?

  Penelope Garcia : When you log on to the DOJ website, there'll be a picture of me and Super Special Agent Derek Morgan with shoes on our heads.

  [Shane grins and disappears] 

  Penelope Garcia : He just left the table.

  Derek Morgan : Did he take the bait?

  Penelope Garcia : I don't know.

  Derek Morgan : What's the shoe on the head mean?

  Penelope Garcia : Uh, it's an Internet thing.