Conan (TV Series)
Recipe for Disaster, No Wait, Onion Soup (2014)
Conan O'Brien: Self - Host
Photos
Quotes
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Jordan Schlansky : [discussing his own water supply] This has a T.D.S. of, let's say, 400, and this has a T.D.S., probably, reverse osmosis...
Conan O'Brien : [interrupting] You know what? I find YOU T.D.S.
[tedious]
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Conan O'Brien : By the way, uh, Jordan, do you mind if I eat your sandwich while you...
Jordan Schlansky : Uh, I WOULD mind.
Conan O'Brien : Why is that?
Jordan Schlansky : Uh, because I was gonna eat it.
Conan O'Brien : Right. But you realize that you work for me, so I can take your sandwich if I want to.
[takes a bite of Jordan's sandwich]
Conan O'Brien : Does this bother you that I came in here with a camera crew, you were all ready to eat this delicious sandwich that you've put a lot of work into...
[smacks lips]
Conan O'Brien : and now, it's going into my fat face?
Jordan Schlansky : Uh, it should bother you more than me.
Conan O'Brien : [mouth full] And yet, it doesn't.
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Conan O'Brien : [after Julie cleans Jordan's office] Julie, you said that changing someone's space can change the individual, that this could be a life-altering experience for Jordan. Jordan, do you feel changed?
Jordan Schlansky : [pause] No.
Conan O'Brien : [chuckles] Well you don't know. Isn't it possible? Be- Julie's right here.
Jordan Schlansky : It's possible.
Conan O'Brien : Look her in the eye.
Jordan Schlansky : [to Julie] It's unlikely...
Conan O'Brien : Look! You didn't look- look at that! You went to look her in the eye, and then at the last second, if you show that on replay, you looked down and away.
[a replay is shown]
Conan O'Brien : Why don't you look people in the eye?
Jordan Schlansky : I suppose it's awkward to turn my body, you're pressed up against me tightly.
Conan O'Brien : I'm not pressed up against you tightly. Gee, dream much? Look me in the eye.
[Jordan turns and faces Conan]
Conan O'Brien : Okay, don't.
[Jordan faces forward again]
Conan O'Brien : That was awful. Oh my God. I just saw the end of the world in your eyes.
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Conan O'Brien : Do you think, deep down, you want to be clean?
Jordan Schlansky : I'm open to it, I'm a little bit indifferent.
Conan O'Brien : Do you think you wanna be dirty?
Jordan Schlansky : ...Not in the way you're referring to.
Conan O'Brien : [confused] What did you think I meant?
Jordan Schlansky : My office.
Conan O'Brien : What?
Jordan Schlansky : You heard me.
Conan O'Brien : [amused] Oh my God!
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Conan O'Brien : [while cleaning Jordan's office] Coffee. Empty wine box.
Jordan Schlansky : That I'd like...
Conan O'Brien : Sign of alcoholic. Why would you want to keep this?
Jordan Schlansky : I use that to ship wine.
Conan O'Brien : How about this?
[pulls up another wine box]
Jordan Schlansky : I use that to ship wine as well.
Conan O'Brien : Okay... this is a place of business. This is a television show. You seem to think that we are running a moderately-sized Italian restaurant. You have cheeses, you have wine, you have salami, you have different waters... I see very little work going on here. Do you need a separate space to keep all your restaurant supplies?
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Conan O'Brien : [rummaging through a box in Jordan's office, Conan finds a pay stub with the NBC logo on it] Traitor.
Julie Naylon : Was this garbage?
Jordan Schlansky : No.
Conan O'Brien : Oh, this is garbage.