Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Blues Brothers 2000 (2014)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Movie, I'm not angry. Yes, I am; I'm furious, but there's something I'm even more, and that's... disappointed. I'm disappointed in you, movie. The same people that brought us a comedy classic, an icon, something they make statues of, has 18 years to put together a follow-up, and this is what we get. May God rape you with a pickup truck. Slowly. With vengeance.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Buster is seen in a Blues Brothers suit for no apparent reason]  So Aykroyd and Goodman set out to pick up the rest of their band members when nope, NOPE, nope, nope, nope, nope, you killed the movie. You killed the movie! Whatever little speck of chance you had to make this entertaining, it was assassinated the minute you put that kid in a suit! This is like giving Wolverine a puppy, or Jules Winfield a Martian, or the Terminator...

  [a shot of the Terminator is shown with him donning sunglasses] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh yeah, that happened.

• Nostalgia Critic : Ah, of course! The old... "look like a minion from Mario 2 which will cause the police to do nothing for some reason allowing you to go into your car and spin around for a solid minute or three also causing the police to do nothing for some reason and then take off driving".

  [beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ingenious?

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. You know, I was walking down the aisles of a video store when I noticed something I haven't seen in years: "Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue". Immediately a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me and I just knew I had to see this piece of shit again. Now for those of you who don't remember the special, I'll give you the skinny.

  [period of silence] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Usually some clips from the special would play here but seeing how my copy died a long time ago, I'm just gonna move on without it.

  Cameraman : Uh, Critic?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah?

  Cameraman : What are you doing?

  Nostalgia Critic : Isn't it great? I'm recreating the glory days of my first review!

  Cameraman : But you're missing one of the most important elements. It's only half a review without it.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, it's okay; I thought about that! You see, I fill in the void by replacing it with a bunch of other critics!

  [gestures towards other people dressed as the Critic] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Like, Black Critic, Little Kid Critic, Animated Kitten Critic, Sexy Female Critic, Invisible Critic... who might just be a wall, and of course, Cameo Critic!

  Cameo Critic : Uh, it's a living.

  Cameraman : Was this a fan request or something?

  Nostalgia Critic : No, that's the great thing about it! Nobody wanted to see it, and now it's here for everybody to witness!

  Cameraman : Critic, how can anyone enjoy a recreation that only has half of what made it good, forceful comedic sidekicks, practically nothing new to offer, and wasn't something that the fanbase ever demanded in the first place to begin with?

  Nostalgia Critic : I think they get the idea.

  Cameraman : All right.

  Nostalgia Critic : "Blues Brothers 2000".

• [as in the original movie, Frank Oz plays the prison warden] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Frank Oz plays one of the many returning cast members who just looks old and sad now as he tells Elwood about his brother Jake's departure.

  [Oz starts talking to Elwood] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [talking like Oz]  You got no plot, you got no comedy, you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you have an entertaining sock puppet under your hat, count me the fuck out of this.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Elwood]  He discovers that Curtis had a son, played by Joe Morton, who apparently has no idea that Curtis was his father. Elwood talks about reuniting the band, but his kinda brother doesn't take it very well.

  [Cabel, Morton's character, throws Elwood out of the police station] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Cabel]  You got no plot, you got no comedy, you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you have a role for me in "Terminator 12", count me the fuck out of this.

• [in the movie, Mrs. Murphy, played by Aretha Franklin tells Matt Murphy, a member of Elwood's band, that he can go run off with the band if necessary, even though she really doesn't want him to] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Mrs. Murphy]  I mean, Jesus! You got no plot, you got no comedy, you don't even have the other Blues Brother! Unless you have a well-paying Pepsi commercial to offer me, count me the fuck out of this!

• Nostalgia Critic : The team, however, has very low morale due to the fact that they have no goddamn idea what the hell they're supposed to be doing in this movie!

  [in the movie, Elwood learns that the band is rebelling and wants to know why; the band looks toward him in disappointment] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [speaking as all of the band members in unison]  You got no plot, you got no comedy, and you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you're willing to split stock on Crystal Head Vodka, count us the fuck out of this!

• Nostalgia Critic : Something else you'll notice is that while Akyroyd's Chicago accent in the original was playfully exaggerated, this accent sounds like it's coming from a fucking Muppet.

  [shows clips of Elwood's Chicago accent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [doing Chicago accent]  Hey, hot dogs, the Bears, pizza that had to make Jon Stewart accept defeat!

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh yeah, we're still riding that.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, look at that! Our characters SO don't care how the song works into the movie that they don't even stick around to hear 'em! The movie itself is that not interested in its own musical numbers. Why don't we just have the rest of the movie be a runaway letter from Dan Akyroyd saying...

  [imitating Elwood] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "Y'know, guys, I just don't care. I might do a little singing here or there and maybe my cartoon character Chicago accent, but frankly I don't give a shit. Dinner's in the freezer; tell your mom I love her. Dan."

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the original movie]  The musical numbers were in between a spiritual quest: a very bizarre redemption involving putting the band back together to earnestly and honestly raise money to protect their childhood home. That's one of the reasons there's so much urgency for the band members to leave their dead-end crappy jobs and do what's right.

  [turning back to the sequel] 

  Nostalgia Critic : In this one, have you noticed something missing? Something kind of a big deal? There is no reason to put the band back together! None! At all! They all have good jobs that pay well and even rekindled old romances that seem to be working out pretty well. Why the fuck would any of them leave this behind? There is nothing to fight for, nothing to chase, nothing to gain redemption! They're stressing the importance of putting the band back together even though they forgot to mention what was fucking important about it! In the first film, the phrase was...

  Elwood : We're on a mission from God.

  Nostalgia Critic : Now, in this one, the phrase is...

  Elwood : The Lord works in mysterious ways.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, so mysterious that you took eighteen years to work on a sequel that somehow you forgot to give a reason for even fucking existing! IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT FOR A FILM TO HAVE A REASON TO FUCKING EXIST, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S A SEQUEL TO SOMETHING AS GODDAMN AWESOME AS "THE BLUES BROTHERS"!

• [Giant thunderclouds begin forming during the band's performance of "Ghost Riders In the Sky"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, good! Hopefully God has come to destroy this movie before it gets any worse!

• Nostalgia Critic : Here's the only thing certain after death, taxes, and everything you love either getting a shitty sequel or a shitty remake: commercials!

  [goes to a commercial; Malcolm and Tamara are watching a movie while the Critic speaks as an announcer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Tired of a movie giving you an unbelievable experience, only to find years later the same filmmakers fuck it up with their shitty sequel or spinoff? Well, fear no more, because we've invented Fuckital.

  [a pill bottle labeled "Fuckital" is displayed; Tamara downs the entire contents of the bottle] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Now you can stop caring about a movie series you once loved by acknowledging it probably wasn't that important to begin with.

  Malcolm : [looking quite annoyed]  Can you believe the person who directed "Alien" did this?

  Tamara : [a glazed look on her face]  Sure...

  Malcolm : It makes no sense and pales in comparison to the original.

  Tamara : Whatever...

  Malcolm : Hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't think this was a big deal.

  Tamara : I don't. It's only a movie.

  Malcolm : WHAT?

  Tamara : I used to be emotionally invested in what I watched, but now, the more I think about it, maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt should play Robin.

  Malcolm : No!

  Tamara : Maybe "The Hobbit" did need all those extra scenes.

  Malcolm : You're insane!

  Tamara : Maybe midichlorians... aren't such a bad idea.

  Malcolm : [shaking her]  Wake up, damn it! Don't go where I can't follow!

  [she proceeds to foam at the mouth and pass out, while Malcolm looks at the bottle and reads the label that says "Made with 90% Morphine"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : With a heavy enough dose, you'll forget all about Sofia Coppola in "The Godfather", Emo Peter in "Spider-Man", and all pretentious dialogue from "The Matrix" movies.

  [Malcolm freaks out over Tamara] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuckital, because it doesn't matter if one of the Blues Brothers is a little kid. Or John Goodman. Or plotless. Or has a car that can do anything. Because you know, who cares? Who cares at all that it's a timeless classic, the original? Yeah, who cares that we just want to fuck it up? I mean, we just want to totally destroy it, because, y'know, it's just "The Blues Brothers". It doesn't matter that it's a Chicago icon! It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter at all!

  Malcolm : [to Critic, worried about Tamara]  Um, excuse me, can we call 911 or something?

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, no, I wanna get this off my back! I wanna get this off my back! The Blues Brothers is just this big symbol of Chicago, and it's funny and it's musical and it's fantastic!

• Nostalgia Critic : Fuck me with tuna - we just got DONE WITH A SONG! Are we really gonna do three in a row? Even waterboarders give their victims a break every once in a while!

• Nostalgia Critic : The commander comes in, about to arrest them, but, just like before, somebody's about to see the light. Now, in the original a light shines on Jake in a comedically over-the-top way.

  [in the movie, a light shines on Cabel and he is lifted off the ground and into the air, through the church roof] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, if that was over-the-top, this is pole-vaulting over the fucking moon!

• Nostalgia Critic : Look at that! CLEARLY we see a new addition to the Blues Brothers! Oh, not because he's played by John Goodman, not because he can sing the blues, not because they've made countless appearances together years before, but because of the astounding chemistry and unforgettable character traits that this movie gives him that, dare I say it, even rival that of Belushi. Watch this.

  [Elwood and Mighty Mack give each other a pointing gesture] 

  Elwood : Hi.

  Nostalgia Critic : And there you go. That's all the character you need, folks!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Elwood and Mighty Mack]  It doesn't matter if they barely look each other in the face or hardly ever have a conversation; the magic is there! Gah, they have more chemistry than HAL 9000 and Stephen Hawking!

  [cut to Stephen Hawking and HAL 9000 together] 

  Stephen Hawking : Hey, HAL, pick two.

  HAL 9000 : One, two.

  Stephen Hawking : You will now have to imagine I am poking you in the eyes, causing a humorous effect.

  HAL 9000 : Nyuk, nyuk.

• Nostalgia Critic : You sure Elwood isn't in a coma and these are just the dreams he was having in the coma? Not that the film isn't tragic enough for how much pain it's causing, but at least we would know somebody's suffering for it.

• Nostalgia Critic : Apparently, something resembling a plot tries to rear its ugly head in the second half, as Sister Conan O'Brien, Tom Brokaw, and the secretary from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" inform the Holy Mother that they think Elwood has kidnapped the boy. Of course, rather than just explain he's not kidnapping him... though the more I think about it, maybe he kinda fucking is... they instead have to stage a getaway out of a diner filled with cops.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is just dumb. Random and fucking dumb. It's like suddenly going...

  Nostalgia Critic : [singing along to blues music wearing sunglasses]  Ghost Pony Rider. / Ghost Pony Rider. / His head is flaming, but his story's tragic / 'Cause he never knew friendship was magic. / Ghost Pony Rider...

  Malcolm : [stops the song]  Hey, Critic, Critic, Critic, wait. Didn't you do this joke before?

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, I don't know the scientific explanation for it, but for some reason every single time somebody says "pony" on the internet, the views go through the roof.

  Malcolm : They do?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah. Watch.

  [looks into the camera] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Pony.

  [the video's views go from 9,822 to 122,457] 

  Malcolm : Pony.

  [views go up to 1,643,980] 

  Nostalgia Critic , Malcolm : Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony...

  [views keep going up all the way to 109,443,783,092]