Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Blues Brothers 2000 (2014)

Malcolm Ray: Black Critic, HAL 9000, Guy in Commercial

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Here's the only thing certain after death, taxes, and everything you love either getting a shitty sequel or a shitty remake: commercials!

  [goes to a commercial; Malcolm and Tamara are watching a movie while the Critic speaks as an announcer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Tired of a movie giving you an unbelievable experience, only to find years later the same filmmakers fuck it up with their shitty sequel or spinoff? Well, fear no more, because we've invented Fuckital.

  [a pill bottle labeled "Fuckital" is displayed; Tamara downs the entire contents of the bottle] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Now you can stop caring about a movie series you once loved by acknowledging it probably wasn't that important to begin with.

  Malcolm : [looking quite annoyed]  Can you believe the person who directed "Alien" did this?

  Tamara : [a glazed look on her face]  Sure...

  Malcolm : It makes no sense and pales in comparison to the original.

  Tamara : Whatever...

  Malcolm : Hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't think this was a big deal.

  Tamara : I don't. It's only a movie.

  Malcolm : WHAT?

  Tamara : I used to be emotionally invested in what I watched, but now, the more I think about it, maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt should play Robin.

  Malcolm : No!

  Tamara : Maybe "The Hobbit" did need all those extra scenes.

  Malcolm : You're insane!

  Tamara : Maybe midichlorians... aren't such a bad idea.

  Malcolm : [shaking her]  Wake up, damn it! Don't go where I can't follow!

  [she proceeds to foam at the mouth and pass out, while Malcolm looks at the bottle and reads the label that says "Made with 90% Morphine"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : With a heavy enough dose, you'll forget all about Sofia Coppola in "The Godfather", Emo Peter in "Spider-Man", and all pretentious dialogue from "The Matrix" movies.

  [Malcolm freaks out over Tamara] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuckital, because it doesn't matter if one of the Blues Brothers is a little kid. Or John Goodman. Or plotless. Or has a car that can do anything. Because you know, who cares? Who cares at all that it's a timeless classic, the original? Yeah, who cares that we just want to fuck it up? I mean, we just want to totally destroy it, because, y'know, it's just "The Blues Brothers". It doesn't matter that it's a Chicago icon! It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter at all!

  Malcolm : [to Critic, worried about Tamara]  Um, excuse me, can we call 911 or something?

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, no, I wanna get this off my back! I wanna get this off my back! The Blues Brothers is just this big symbol of Chicago, and it's funny and it's musical and it's fantastic!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Elwood and Mighty Mack]  It doesn't matter if they barely look each other in the face or hardly ever have a conversation; the magic is there! Gah, they have more chemistry than HAL 9000 and Stephen Hawking!

  [cut to Stephen Hawking and HAL 9000 together] 

  Stephen Hawking : Hey, HAL, pick two.

  HAL 9000 : One, two.

  Stephen Hawking : You will now have to imagine I am poking you in the eyes, causing a humorous effect.

  HAL 9000 : Nyuk, nyuk.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is just dumb. Random and fucking dumb. It's like suddenly going...

  Nostalgia Critic : [singing along to blues music wearing sunglasses]  Ghost Pony Rider. / Ghost Pony Rider. / His head is flaming, but his story's tragic / 'Cause he never knew friendship was magic. / Ghost Pony Rider...

  Malcolm : [stops the song]  Hey, Critic, Critic, Critic, wait. Didn't you do this joke before?

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, I don't know the scientific explanation for it, but for some reason every single time somebody says "pony" on the internet, the views go through the roof.

  Malcolm : They do?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah. Watch.

  [looks into the camera] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Pony.

  [the video's views go from 9,822 to 122,457] 

  Malcolm : Pony.

  [views go up to 1,643,980] 

  Nostalgia Critic , Malcolm : Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony! Pony...

  [views keep going up all the way to 109,443,783,092]