I find it absolutely baffling that this piece of media was even released. What were they thinking? How were they thinking? I can say without a doubt that this is probably the worst TMNT related thing that I've ever seen, I'm sure that watching anything else would be more enjoyable. Anyways, this thing was haunting my dreams last night so I'll get into the plot.
The video starts with a song called "We're the Turtles", an oddly menacing tune that is also used in the notoriously bad Christmas special that was made by the same production company. So April, who is mentioned a few times but never makes a physical appearance, has gotten in contact with a TV network to make a show for the turtles and they have to film the pilot. Right from the start you can instantly notice that everything here is just wrong. The customes are cheap and look absolutely dreadful, the four turtles are voiced by just one guy and of course, the turtles go out in broad daylight without customes.
Even though I'm not the biggest TMNT expert, (I've only seen the 2012 series and the two first movies) I can assure you that the turtles would never go outside IN BROAD DAYLIGHT without disguises. It's obvious that the makers of this didn't know a lot about the source material. The turtles go to a park and find a bunch of kids, who of course help them with the shooting of the pilot, and by that I mean that the kids are the directors. I thought they were the TEENAGE Mutant Ninja Turtles, not the Old Senile and Pacifist Turtles, why can't they do it themselves? Why do they need help from kids? I know, it's a video for babbies but I still don't get it.
Let's get to the songs, why don't we? The video has 8 original songs, by original I mean that only 3 of them are actually original while the rest are public domain nursery rhymes with altered lyrics. Yep, I had low expectations yet I was still dissapointed by this. The first song, "We've Been Livin' in the Sewer" is a reworking of "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" and to be fair it is TMNT themed, the same cannot be said about most of the songs.
"Skateboardin' Round the Fountain" is a reworking of "I've been Working on the Railroad" and like the title says, it's about how Mikey loves to skateboard round the fountain. Sure.
"Leonardo Had a Row Boat" is a pretty insulting and nonsensical reworking of "Yankee Doodle Dandy", this song didn't need to exist, it doesn't make any freaking sense, I refuse to even talk about it. "This is a disaster" indeed.
"I Got Friends" is apparently Raphael's favourite song, you know, Raph, the angry and anti-social one, makes sense to me. It's pretty ironic to see the turtles sing about having friends when none of them (you know, April and Casey?) actually appear. This song also makes mention of Shredder and the Foot clan, who of course never show up in this video.
"Don't Talk to Strangers" is probably the only part that gave some kind of ironic enjoyment, like the title implies it's about one of the most generic lessons you can have in a kids' show, avoiding strangers, but the visuals are the best part.
"It's a Pity When the City Isn't Clean" is yet again about a generic subject, recycling, but the fact that the Ninja Turtles, the guys who spend most of their time in a sewer are telling me to clean the city is kinda hypocritical. Again, what were they thinking?
"I Love to Ride the Carousel" is a reworking of "Oh, Suzanna!", a song that I absolutely despise because I've heard so many versions of it, and this one wasn't much better. Similarly to the fountain and row boat songs, this is yet another random subject that doesn't have anything to do with the turtles and sounds like something you'd hear in Sesame Street or something. The turtles ride a carousel and Raph gets motion sickness. Cool.
"On Top of the Pizza" is the last song that plays in the video and it's a reworking of "On Top of Old Smoky". I'll give this one the tiniest amount of credit and say that at least it is very loosely TMNT related, it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Basically the song is about how Michelangelo loves to put disgusting toppings on his pizza, such as peanut butter, an apple he found under his bed, you get the idea. Mikey put trash in pizza. Funny.
After the awful songs, Splinter "appears" and tells the turtles that somehow this TV pilot has helped them master the mental aspect of ninjitsu or something like that. I say that he "appears" because this short is so cheap that they couldn't afford to use a Splinter costume or puppet, so you only get to hear his voice. The turtles barely react to it so I like to imagine that it was some kind of collective hallucination. After that they get a call from April saying that the "audiences" loved the pilot and the TV show is getting picked up. The turtles proceed to freak out and one of them dies of a heart attack. Even after the credits, the turtles are still talking.
Oh boy, watching this thing made me feel miserable. The whole idea of taking the Ninja Turtles and having them dance and sing like preschool characters is just so cynical and dumb that I just cannot understand who thought this was a good idea. If we want to talk about the script, there's nothing to say, the plot is very paper thin and all the turtles are characterized as equally braindead.
I would definitely advocate for legalizing this video as a form of torture. It doesn't even have the "so bad it's good" feel from We Wish You a Turtle Christmas, it's a worthless waste of time that not even a babby can enjoy. It's just pain.
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