The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (TV Series)
Nicole Kidman/Patton Oswalt/The War on Drugs (2015)
Jimmy Fallon: Self - Host
Quotes
-
Self - Host : I don't know if you remember this but we've met before
Self - Guest : Oh, I remember
Self - Host : Do you remember this? It's really embarrassing for me
Self - Guest : Yes
Self - Guest : I have not seen you since then
Self - Host : I have not right?
Self - Guest : No
Self - Host : That is correct. But this is years ago, do you want me to tell my version of the story?
Self - Guest : Yeah you tell your version
Self - Host : I'm walking down the street in New York City, my friend Rick calls me and says "dude what'd you doing?" I go "I'm just walking down the street." He goes "I have Nicole Kidman with me and she wants to meet you for to be in Bewitched or something like that", so I go "what?" and he goes "I can be at your apartment in ten minutes". I go "you're going to bring Nicole Kidman to my apartment?" and I'm like "what do I do?", "do I have something for her?" He goes "I don't know just get some cheese and crackers or something" and I'm like cheese and crackers? I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't have dinner parties. I don't have anyone over my house. I have video games and sneakers
Self - Guest : That's right
Self - Host : So I go in the deli "what'd you mean cheese?" he goes "get Brie or something" Brie? I don't even know what that is." I'm on Saturday Night Live I guess, I don't even remember when it was
Self - Guest : [after Jimmy stares at her] I just remember I liked you and he was like not now. I'm married now but he was all like...
Self - Host : [Confused] wait what?
Self - Guest : [Telling her version of the story] so Rick our mutual friend says "Jimmy wants to meet you and you can come over to his apartment" and I'm single and I'm like "ok yeah."
Self - Host : [Shocked] wait what?
Self - Guest : Yes
Self - Host : [Raises his voice] wait, what are you talking about?
Self - Guest : Yes
Self - Host : Did I date Nicole Kidman? Did we go on a date?
Self - Guest : So I go over and your there in a baseball cap and like "nothing", just like...
Self - Host : I had Brie cheese
Self - Guest : And you wouldn't talk, you didn't say anything, you're like "hey, um"
Self - Host : I was nervous. I didn't this a "thing". I thought this was for a movie
Self - Guest : It was meant to just "hang", and then you put a video game on or something and I'm like "this is so bad". I swear and you didn't talk at all so after about an hour and a half I thought "he has no interest, this is so embarrassing."
Self - Host : [Putting his face in his hands in disappointment] I had no clue at all
Self - Guest : And I left and went "ok no chemistry, and then I was like "maybe his gay"
Self - Host : [Stands up in protest and to the crowd] come on, that's it I'm out of here, take care
Self - Guest : [Stands up and sits behind Jimmy's desk] ok so now I'm going to do the show
Self - Host : [Walks back and lies down on the couch replicating a therapy session] well...
Self - Guest : So tell me Jimmy...
Self - Host : Well doctor I remember like it was yesterday Nicole Kidman came over...
Self - Guest : [Both of them stand up and he walks over and sits behind his desk] that was our date
Self - Host : Do you remember what the apartment looked like?
Self - Guest : [Sitting back on the couch] not much anyway we weren't meant to be right?
Self - Host : You made a great decision
Self - Guest : You did
Self - Host : You made a fantastic decision
Self - Guest : But now we're both married with kids
Self - Host : I can't believe I dated Nicole Kidman, this is unbelievable
-
Self - Guest : You didn't
Self - Host : This is unbelievable, this is one of the most awkward moments ever
Self - Guest : You're red
Self - Host : I am, I'm in shock
Self - Guest : So am I
Self - Host : I can't believe it, yeah your definitely embarrassed, are you friends with Rick anymore?
Self - Guest : No, his adorable
Self - Host : You made such a better decision. Keith Urban is so much cooler than I am, his a rock star. You live in Nashville now
Self - Guest : I do
Self - Host : His always on tour isn't he? Yes these country guys are always on tour
Self - Guest : Now you're trying to be all serious on me
Self - Host : I'm not trying to be serious, here's the deal...
Self - Guest : Yes
Self - Host : I'm not always on tour. I'm always at home with the kids
Self - Guest : You're working all the time
Self - Host : He just played a gig on New Year 's Eve right?
Self - Guest : He did, in Niagara Falls
Self - Host : Niagara Falls, the Canada side? Or the New York side?
Self - Guest : The Canada side: beautiful
Self - Host : That's the side, the Canada side has lights, almost like Vegas its fun. The New York side looks like a Lemony Snicket's book cover, sad, no leaves on the trees, and you go "what happened? Why is that place so much worst?" The Canada side that's the side to do it. We've got to work on our side
Self - Guest : I've never been to the New York side
Self - Host : We'll fix it up, but where does he play?
Self - Guest : He played a beach show for six thousand people
Self - Host : Have you ever been to Niagara Falls?
Self - Guest : [Eventually feeling tension between each other] I had before, we can't even have a conversation
Self - Host : [Eventually raises his left hand to show her his wedding ring] you feel a little "something"? A little chemistry now, it's too late baby, "ship has sailed" ok Nicole? Taken. I am taken
Self - Guest : I am never coming back
Self - Host : [Referring to the audience] no come on, they're feeling it, this is fantastic
Self - Guest : I'm teasing you
Self - Host : And we love Keith
Self - Guest : I love Keith
Self - Host : I know you love Keith more than I do. I'm not saying I have a "thing" for Keith Urban. I'm saying I enjoy his music and I like his personality
Self - Guest : Now we're fighting over Keith
Self - Host : Only one of us here is in love with Keith
Self - Guest : This a disaster
Self - Host : No, it's not a disaster but his always been on the show and you've never been on the show, is this why?
Self - Guest : Absolutely
Self - Host : It's so odd
Self - Guest : No, we would watch you at home and I'd be like "gosh will I ever be on the show and bring that story up?"Maybe not"
Self - Host : And now you did
-
Self - Guest : [Referring to the new movie she's promoting] Anyway let's talk about Paddington
Self - Host : This is the best day ever. Let's talk about Paddington, it's already a big hit: internationally right?
Self - Guest : Yes
Self - Host : Overseas, they released it overseas first
Self - Guest : Yeah
Self - Host : [Again recalling their first encounter] I remember I got Brie cheese
Self - Guest : And corn chips
Self - Host : Did I get corn chips?
Self - Guest : And some old Chinese food
Self - Host : [after laughing] how could I buy old Chinese food?
Self - Guest : It was in the fridge
Self - Host : [Putting his face in his hands in shame] I remember I got old saltine crackers and it was really awful
Self - Guest : And what sport do you really like? Baseball? Or something
Self - Host : What hat was I wearing?
Self - Guest : You were wearing some baseball hat and some sweats
Self - Host : I was not wearing sweat pants, what'd you talking about? It's like you went over the guy from Duck Dynasty's house or something like that. I was not wearing Camo sweat pants. I was dressed probably in a three piece suit or something
Self - Guest : You weren't interested so you wore sweats and a baseball cap
Self - Host : That's not true. I don't even know what you're talking about, now I'm freaking out. I'm going to go back to Paddington and we're going to edit this out
Self - Guest : Yeah. The bear, the little adorable bear
Self - Host : It's a cute bear, it's a cute movie, and you play the villain in the movie
Self - Guest : Yep