- Paula Proctor: So, clearly, you're still on this "I'm a good person" thing.
- Rebecca Bunch: I mean, Greg really got to me this morning.
- Paula Proctor: [passionately] Oh, come on. You are not a terrible person. Greg is just a... whiny little bitch... and sexy. He should be a search term on porn sites.
- Woman at Home Base: I know you! You're that lady on the dartboard in the storage room.
- [Rebecca laughs nervously]
- Rebecca Bunch: Oh, that's how we kid, me and Greg. Yeah, we make a joke about the other person in another room that the other person will never see, and then we never tell the other person. It's so funny! Give him my regards, nice meeting you.
- Paula Proctor: I think his kids are cute, okay? They remind me of my kids in good times when they were young. You know, before they could talk and steal money from my purse.
- [Karen's You Tube video]
- Karen: Hey, guys! Welcome to Getting Real with Karen. This week's review: The Beaver Dam Menstrual Cup by Lady Works. My review in short: My cup runuth over. Not good.
- Joyce the Homeless Woman: Hey! You have any change?
- Rebecca Bunch: Oh sorry, I only have twenties. I got them from working!
- Josh Chan: I know it's not cool to believe in God and stuff, but I do.
- Rebecca Bunch: Oh my God, that's like - that's insane! I believe in God too! What are the odds?
- Josh Chan: I think a lot of people believe in...
- Rebecca Bunch: Hi! How are you?
- Greg Serrano: I'm good. I'd ask how you are but I already know. You're terrible.
- Rebecca Bunch: What?
- Greg Serrano: She's horrible.
- Josh Chan: What are you talking about? What'd she do?
- Greg Serrano: What didn't she do?
- Josh Chan: I do other things that are sinful. I've had premarital sex, lots of it. And sometimes I watch adult content and take care of myself, and I don't mean in the vitamins/exercise kind of way.
- Darryl Whitefeather: Madison is my sun and my moon. She is the candle in the window that guides me home. She's the cream in my coffee. she's...
- Rebecca Bunch: Okay dude, I gotta stop you, sorry. Maybe because my father is an abandoning coward - could be that - but I feel like you should dial back the whole daddy-daughter love thing. It sounds a little like... Amber Alert.
- Paula Proctor: Darryl is so damned disorganized. Some of the papers in here are so old. Oh, good news, I found a coupon from Blockbuster. The Color Purple is now available on laserdisc.
- Stacy Whitefeather: What would you know about what I've been through? You're just some soulless lawyer. Oh yeah, I saw you pump your fist when the judge gave my daughter away. How dare you! Why in the world would you even take this case? What's wrong with you?
- Rebecca Bunch: I... Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of maternal affection and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.
- Stacy Whitefeather: I did not think that was where you were gonna go.
- Tim: I'll change. I promise.
- Paula Proctor: Yeah, I doubt it. That's like asking Karen to not talk about tampons.
- Karen: Actually, I just switched to those new menstrual cups, which I can't figure out! Who wants to help me?
- Rebecca Bunch: I got stuck on, like, wanting you to say I was a good person, because if you believed it, then somehow I could believe it too.
- Greg Serrano: I can't say you're a good person, but I saw what you did for Darryl today, so I can say you're a good friend... Not to me. Like definitely not to me, but to other people... that aren't me.
- Paula Proctor: But who cares what he thinks?
- Rebecca Bunch: Well, I care what he thinks, because I care what me thinks and me wants me to be a good person.
- Paula Proctor: Oh Karen, did you file those briefs?
- Karen: No, I'm sorry, my snake is sick and I just can't focus whenever my snake is sick. Also, my internet is down, so I can't post about it on my You Tube channel, so I was gonna tweet about it instead but then my account got hacked AGAIN, so I...
- Paula Proctor: Okay, Karen! Karen, you told me all of this this morning, and you're my case assistant and I just - I really need you to focus.
- Karen: I need to go. My electrolytes are low.
- [Paula takes Tim's squirt gun and breaks it over her knee]
- Karen: Oh! A shard got in my eye! I need some eyewash!
- Paula Proctor: Karen! You passive-aggressive, miserable piece of garbage, shut your garbage face!
- Father Brah: I've been meaning to say, thank you so much for the nickname.
- Josh Chan: Oh yeah, glad you like it. It was super-easy to come up with. Father Joseph, Father BRO-seph, Father Bro, Father Brah - bam!
- Father Brah: I mean, attendance has shot through the roof since you did that, man!
- [Darryl sings a country song]
- Darryl Whitefeather: The father-daughter dance, surrounded by adorable girls, but there's only one that's got my eye. Her feet on my shoes, her hands on my hips. Yeah, it's a weird visual now that I think of it. I know lines like that can skeeve people out, but when it comes to ticklin' - whoo-hoo! She's 'bout to get it now! I'm very careful where I tickle my daughter, never inappropriately. I can see how that came out a bit confusingly. I just love my daughter, but seriously, not in a creepy way. One day she'll fall in love and I'll give her away. Not like I ever had her - what a weird thing to say! I can see it now, she'll look just like her mom. Granted, I did have sex with her mom...
- Josh Chan: Here's my list of sins. I printed it out.
- Father Brah: Okay, so you went to the mall and you saw a sexy mannequin and you wanted to have sex with it. And then you saw another sexy mannequin and you wanted to have sex with that one too. And then you saw a sexy girl at the mall, and you wanted her to watch you have sex with two sexy mannequins.