Death Battle (TV Series)
Dante VS Bayonetta (2016)
Ben B. Singer: Wizard
Quotes
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Wizard : Take a walk down Slum Avenue and you'll find all sorts of hangouts for the scum of the underworld: the Bullseye Bar, a random strip club, and even a run-down service shop called "Devil May Cry."
Boomstick : But the services they're selling aren't like washing your car or fixin' your plumbing. Oh, no! Long as you got the cash, this shop specializes in delivering demonic beatdowns. Who's crazy enough to try and make a living this way, you ask? His name is Dante.
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Boomstick : [about Dante] Like any proud weapon owner, he gives his tools of destruction pet names. His guns, Ebony and Ivory, specialize in long-range shots and rapid-fire barrages, respectively. These hand canons are so powerful they can each obliterate demons in a single shot. Rebellion is a large, magical sword given to him by his pops, which can cut any demon down to size in the blink of an eye. He's also got his brother's sword, Yamato, which can cut through dimensions!
Wizard : Throughout his adventures, Dante also collected a wide assortment of additional weaponry called Devil Arms, physical manifestations of powerful demons he has defeated.
Boomstick : Remember Mega Man? It's that, but on steroids.
Wizard : His armored Gilgamesh gauntlets increase his striking power, letting him shatter huge monoliths with a lethal one-inch punch.
Boomstick : With Lucifer, the backpack, not the devil, Dante basically throws infinite lightsabers. He's also got an electric guitar, which is literally electric, ice-powered nunchucks, grenade launchers, shotguns, and, I kid you not, a briefcase that can transform into 666 different weapons, ranging from a giant beyblade to a flying turret gun. Where does he possibly keep all this stuff?
Wizard : Really, really deep pockets.
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Wizard : Being so well armed, Dante is more than capable of handling entire courts of demons on his own, although this doesn't stop some of his allies from joining in from time to time. This includes Trish, a demon lady who occasionally fights alongside him, and happens to resemble his deceased mother. Talk about giving somebody an Oedipus complex.
Boomstick : Hey, if I may quote an old family saying, "If she's not directly related, she's safe to be dated".
Wizard : That explains a lot. Luckily, and quite surprisingly, that avenue was never explored, thank God.
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Wizard : In the words of the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao-Zi, "There is no greater danger than underestimating your opponent".
Boomstick : I'm gonna have to disagree with old Lousy here, I'm pretty sure there's no greater danger than telling a woman those pants do, in fact, make her ass look fat.
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Wizard : From the angels of Paradiso to the demons of Inferno, there is a name feared by both the light and the dark, and her name is Bayonetta.
Boomstick : To any normal guy walking down the street, she may look like your average, seven-foot-tall, gargantuan Amazon woman with good fashion sense, but Bayonetta is actually one of the last Umbra Witches, a clan of mystics allied with demon-kind.
Wizard : Named Cereza upon birth, she spent her early life growing up an outcast due to her parents being from rival clans, her father a Lumen Sage and her mother an Umbra Witch.
Boomstick : See, the Sages and Witches had one rule to follow: don't make babies with the opposite clan, because according to prophecy, it would bring on the destruction of the universe. So naturally, it was only a matter of time before somebody couldn't keep it in their pants.
[sighs]
Boomstick : Pulling out works every time, but the last time.
Wizard : You would know.
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Boomstick : Bayonetta is basically a tall, sexy armory. She wields gauntlets called Durga which attack with fire and electricity, a huge scythe that rots the souls of its victims, and a freaking lightsaber called Pillow Talk. She has a bow that fires poison arrows, a chainsaw made of dragon scales, a massive hammer that can cause earthquakes with every strike, and even ice skates which attack with ice. Obviously.
Wizard : But her most beloved weapons are her four-pistol set called Love Is Blue. Rather than swap between them like a normal person, she somehow manages to wield all of them at once, by using not only her hands, but also her feet.
Boomstick : How does that work? Does she have, like, some kinda weird thumbs on her ankles or something? That would kinda detract from the hotness factor just a bit... OH MY GOD! She's covered in hair, and she uses her feet like hands. She's a monkey! MONKEY WITCH!
Wizard : I highly doubt that. She probably just uses some sort of magic.
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[Dante has just utter destroyed Bayonetta]
Wizard : It's true that Bayonetta's satellite-throwing feat trumps any and all of Dante's physical displays of strength. However, Dante edges out in every other category.
Boomstick : His arsenal matched and exceeded Bayonetta's blow for blow. Hell, even a giant demon like Madama Butterfly is nothing new to this demon slayer for hire. But most of all, Bayonetta didn't have many ways to actually kill him. I mean, the dude shrugs off mortal wounds every day like they were bug bites! Both can take a bullet, but unlike Dante, when Bayonetta's stabbed, it hurts! That's why avoiding attacks was her specialty.
Wizard : But she can only dodge for so long against somebody like Dante. Early in their careers, Dante and Vergil obliterated each and every raindrop in a twelve-foot radius, briefly creating a completely open space in a rainstorm. Up to thirty raindrops can occupy a cubic foot on average, meaning they destroyed 108,000 raindrops in less than a second, without any extra abilities or styles. Even with Bayonetta's absurd reaction speed, Dante striking so much space in so little time far outclasses anything she's had to avoid.
Boomstick : Even when she tried avoiding him with Witch Time, Dante's Quicksilver evened the playing field, basically making it useless.
Wizard : It was just a matter of time before Bayonetta suffered the fatal blow.
Boomstick : Well, you know what they say: hair today, gone tomorrow.
Wizard : The winner is Dante.
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Wizard : From the very beginning, Dante's life was always unusual. Born from the unholy union of a human mother and demon father, Dante and his twin brother Vergil had their first supernatural encounter at the young age of eight.
Boomstick : Yeah, see, his demon dad was a badass who singlehandedly conquered the underworld and imprisoned its demon emperor, Mundus. But after Dad died, Mundus' minions felt brave enough to take some revenge, by slaughtering his family, leaving Dante an orphan. Bummer. Hate it when that happens.
Wizard : With his mother gone and his brother assumed dead, Dante was left with only one option: become the ultimate demon hunter, and perpetuate the cycle of vengeance.
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[Cereza's birth comes from a Lumen Sage and an Umbra Witch, triggering the threat of apocalypse]
Wizard : With the pact now broken, war ensued between the two factions. In the end, only two witches survived: Cereza, and her rival-slash-future friend Jeanne. Hoping to prevent the apocalypse, Jeanne used a special dagger to seal away Cereza's memories and put her into a 500-year long coma.
Boomstick : When Cereza woke up from her epic power nap, she took on her new name, Bayonetta, and set out to find her lost memories. Luckily for her, she had just the right weapon for the job: her hair!
Wizard : As an Umbra Witch, not only does her hair serve as her clothing...
Boomstick : Which I'm having a really hard time deciding whether or not that's hot or just disgusting.
Wizard : She can also use it to summon the demon Madama Butterfly to aid her in battle. This technique, the Wicked Weaves, creates portals for the giant demon to deliver devastating punches and kicks.
Boomstick : Bayonetta can also walk on walls and ceilings with Witch Walk, and even transform into animals to fly, run super fast, and dodge attacks.
Wizard : But her most useful technique is Witch Time. By slowing down time itself, Bayonetta can dodge practically anything while unleashing a barrage of attacks.
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Wizard : Despite the dangerous nature of his occupation, Dante always maintains a carefree spirit when dispatching devils of the underworld.
Boomstick : It's part of his charm. Hell, when you've got abilities like Dante's, why not be a little cocky? He's faster than the mortal eye can see, strong enough to grapple with the underworld's toughest demons, and straight-up man enough to shake off being stabbed through the chest, like, every god damn day!
Wizard : That's thanks to his regenerative ability. In fact, all of that is made possible due to his demonic heritage, and made even more deadly by his plethora of weapons, his favorites being his dual pistols and enormous sword.
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Wizard : When Bayonetta wants to unleash her full potential, she triggers her "Umbran Climax".
[Boomstick laughs]
Wizard : Which increases her strength and lets her summon Madama Butterfly's full unrestrained power. When fully unleashed, Madama Butterfly can shatter huge meteors by headbutting them.
Boomstick : [sighs] Climax.
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Boomstick : [about Dante] Like any proud weapon owner, he gives his tools of destruction pet names. His guns, Ebony and Ivory, specialize in long-range shots and rapid-fire barrages, respectively. These hand canons are so powerful they can each obliterate demons in a single shot. Rebellion is a large, magical sword given to him by his pops, which can cut any demon down to size in the blink of an eye. He's also got his brother's sword, Yamato, which can cut through dimensions!
Wizard : Throughout his adventures, Dante also collected a wide assortment of additional weaponry called Devil Arms, physical manifestations of powerful demons he has defeated.
Boomstick : Remember Mega Man? It's that, but on steroids.
Wizard : His armored Gilgamesh gauntlets increase his striking power, letting him shatter huge monoliths with a lethal one-inch punch.
Boomstick : With Lucifer, the backpack, not the devil, Dante basically throws infinite lightsabers. He's also got an electric guitar, which is literally electric, ice-powered nunchucks, grenade launchers, shotguns, and, I kid you not, a briefcase that can transform into 666 different weapons, ranging from a giant beyblade to a flying turret gun. Where does he possibly keep all this stuff?
Wizard : Really, really deep pockets. Or perhaps it's one of his Styles, abilities he's also acquired from defeating demon bosses. With Doppelganger Style, he can duplicate himself. With Trickster Style, he can teleport instantly. With Royalguard Style, he becomes a nigh-impervious dreadnought, and he can even slow down time with the Quicksilver Style.
Boomstick : On the rare occasion Dante feels he needs to get serious, he enters the Devil Trigger, a transformation which taps into his demonic heritage to unleash his true devil form. Devil Trigger dramatically increases his strength, speed, and healing power, and he can fly!
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Boomstick : By herself, Bayonetta has pulled off some impressive feats. She's strong enough to kick military jets into the air, headbutt skyscrapers across the city, and even throw satellites with her legs in outer space. Oh, by the way, she can survive outer space.
Wizard : Using Witch Time, she was able to defeat this thing...
[meaning Sapientia]
Wizard : ... in only a matter of real time seconds. Even without Witch Time, her reaction speed is astronomical. For example, when a Lumen Sage stopped time to position newly-fired bullets about three feet behind her, she managed to not only turn and identify the incoming threat, but also dodge all sixteen of them. Considering regular bullets travel around 2,500 feet per second, she must have pulled all that off in less than 1,000th of a second.
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Boomstick : Dante is a walking, talking, feat achieving machine. One time, after getting impaled by four demons at once, he pushed one so hard, it exploded, and dropped a ceiling fan on the other three, all while eating a slice of pizza. Oh, and when their friends showed up, he challenged them to a game of billiards. He won.
Wizard : Dante has run down the side of a building so fast he caught fire, similar to a spacecraft reentering the atmosphere at approximately 17,000 miles per hour.
Boomstick : And he's even capable of taking out others just as overpowered as himself, like his brother Vergil, who was not dead, but evil.
Wizard : He stopped a colossal punch from this titanic monster without breaking a sweat, shrugged off bombardment by meteors, and eventually avenged his mother by defeating the demon lord Mundus, in space.
Boomstick : You may be asking yourself, "Can anything stop this guy?" Yes. Dante does have a limit to how much punishment he can take, but if there's anything that could take him down, it's his own cocky attitude.
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Wizard : Obviously, Bayonetta's feats and abilities are absolutely ridiculous, but she is sometimes rather inconsistent.
Boomstick : Despite her reaction time, she's been caught off guard by enemies ranging from a half-god called Lobster or something like that, and even a plant monster that managed to grab her out of the air.
Wizard : But regardless of whatever weaknesses she may have, Bayonetta's achieved more than anyone could possibly imagine, despite being 100% human.
Boomstick : Wait, she IS human? Dibs.
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Boomstick : [having seen Dante defeat Bayonetta] Worst date ever!
Wizard : Yeah, they even lost their friends... I think? Whatever happened to Trish and Jeanne? Are they still fighting?
Boomstick : Well, I'll show you how I think it went down in my new show "DBX"!
Wizard : Wait, what? Did you actually do analysis on your own?
Boomstick : [laughs] Hell no! I'm just gonna make them fight!
Wizard : Ugh, you would.