Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : [reading from the Ayatollah Khomeini's writings]  "A husband must have - *must* have - sexual relations with his wife at least once in every four months."... I'm about due... A little - a little humor there, which I'm sure will be punished later.

• Johnny Carson : [reading the "further advice" of Ayatollah Khomeini]  Never eat the meat of a four-legged beast that has appeared in a porno movie.

• Johnny Carson : [reading the "further advice" of Ayatollah Khomeini]  A paper boy who misses the porch is accursed. Let him be buried up to his neck in Sunday supplements.

• Johnny Carson : One nice thing about having boys is that when they get married, you don't have to pay for the funeral.

  Patrick Duffy : No... The funeral?

  Johnny Carson : The marriage! Marriage!... That is going to be punishable also.

• Johnny Carson : Your role in Dallas - I'll bet you - you would like one of the meaner parts. You're - you're - you're pretty nice in that, compared to the rest of the cast.

  Patrick Duffy : Yeah.

  Johnny Carson : You got drunkenness and, uh, more carryin' on in that family...

  Patrick Duffy : Right. I'm sort of the bionic Boy Scout.

• William F. Buckley : Whatever you say about the United States, we are still making some kind of an effort to keep a few people free. You'd last ten seconds in the Soviet society - and, uh, it makes a difference to...

  Johnny Carson : With the communists.

  William F. Buckley : It makes a difference to, uh, a lot of us that you have lasted fifteen years.