- Manny Delgado: Well, I finished the video for my Juilliard application. I think they're going to be blown away.
- Jay Pritchett: Art school, huh? Well, you can always sell oranges by the side of the road.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Pancakes, yay!
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, uh, we're actually out of those.
- Dwight: [through a mouthful of food] You can have the rest.
- Cameron Tucker: No, no! We put some performance supplements in there that could mess with you as a lady.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: What else is there?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I'm going to the store later. In the meantime, you can have some fruit.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: That's real? I thought it was just for show.
- [first lines]
- Claire Dunphy: [entering the kitchen] Oh, thank god I smell coffee. This morning has gotten off to a bit of a rocky...
- [seeing the heavy makeup on Phil]
- Claire Dunphy: ...Horror Picture Show. What did you do to your face?
- Phil Dunphy: Just a little color to make my eyes pop. Like yours are now.
- Haley Dunphy: Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name. The world doesn't need a fifty-year old Jasmine.
- Joe Pritchett: Thank you for bweakfast.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [as Joe leaves] Did you hear that? Bweakfast. It's a good thing that we're taking him to speech therapy. I want everybody to understand every single thing he says.
- [heavily accented and incomprehensible]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Do you want marmalade on your brioche toast?
- Jay Pritchett: Not a clue. You're probably right to nip that speech problem in the bud. Mitchell had a lisp we let slide. Now I got a lifetime of "What if...?".
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That is so offensive. A lisp doesn't make you gay. Being gay makes you lisp.
- Manny Delgado: Oh, good god. There are thousands of "Hamilton" parodies, and half of them are college applications.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's okay, papi. Maybe the people in New York haven't heard about "Hamilton".
- Manny Delgado: The deadline for early admission is tomorrow. I'll never come up with something great by then.
- Jay Pritchett: Yes, you will, and I'll help.
- Manny Delgado: You'd do that for me?
- Jay Pritchett: Anything for you, kid.
- [cut to one-on-one interview]
- Jay Pritchett: I got to get this kid out of the house. All his crazy quirks. The farther away, the better. I keep leaving brochures around for schools at sea.
- Alex Dunphy: Ugh. What is wrong with me? I feel so fuzzy.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, stop being so hard on yourself. It's just arm hair.
- Alex Dunphy: [Haley leaves] I can't figure out this crossword puzzle. I... I think mono turned my mind to mush.
- Claire Dunphy: What's the clue? Maybe I can help.
- Alex Dunphy: [she laughs] Thanks, mom. Feels good to laugh.
- Claire Dunphy: What is so funny? I am a well-read college graduate. I think I am capable of doing a crossword puzzle.
- Alex Dunphy: Okay, professor. Six letter word, "Archimedes' exclamation".
- Claire Dunphy: I don't like you right now.