- Lemony Snicket: Of course, if you are allergic to a thing it is best not to put that thing in your mouth. Particularly if the thing is cats.
- Violet Baudelaire: What's that thing Haruki Murakami said?
- Klaus Baudelaire: "When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in."
- Violet Baudelaire: Before that part.
- Klaus Baudelaire: "You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over."
- Lemony Snicket: Can't be. When you lose someone important to you, 'it can't be's are often words that run through your saddened head. It can't be that I've lost someone so important. It can't be that I will never see them again. It can't be. It can't be. It can't be.
- Lemony Snicket: Everyone is allergic to something, whether it is gluten, injustice, dark chocolate, corruption, pollen, or common decency.
- [last lines]
- Klaus Baudelaire: Do you think we made the right choice?
- Violet Baudelaire: Doesn't matter if we made the right choice. What matters is what happens.
- Taxi Driver: If you look at the white whale in terms of postcolonialism...
- Violet Baudelaire: [Pays him] Thank you, sir.
- Taxi Driver: Call me Ishmael.
- Hook-Handed Man: Nice performance out there. Stick to the script and we won't throw you to the leeches.
- White Faced Woman #1: Yeah, no funny business, clown.
- Larry: It's Larry. I told you my name is Larry.
- Hook-Handed Man: We don't care what your name is.
- Henchperson of Indetermined Gender: Or what gender you are.
- Bald Man: Or whether that hair is real.
- Lemony Snicket: Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.
- Lemony Snicket: You probably know of a plant called the Venus flytrap, which grows in the tropics and in the apartments of certain lonely people. The top of the plant is shaped like an open mouth with toothlike spines around the edges. When a fly attracted to the smell of the flower lands on the Venus flytrap, the mouth of the plant begins to close, trapping the terrified fly, who slowly, slowly, slowly dissolves into nothing.
- Count Olaf: You can stop faking your death and running away and rescuing each other and making me ferry around this godforsaken lake searching for you.
- Henchperson of Indetermined Gender: Parenting is exhausting.