Johnny Carson: Self - Host, Carnac the Magnificent

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : [on Three Mile Island and the Nuclear Regulatory Commission]  They said the radiation is at a minimum level. Now, what that means - according to their standards, minimum level - that means if you buy a chicken for your radar range, by the time you get it home, it is done.

• Johnny Carson : You've got to hand it to President Carter - he is always at the scene of a disaster. Uh... today he, uh... and to prove it, he did it again today by visiting his programs in Congress.

• Johnny Carson : [on the president touring Three Mile Island]  I think Jimmy Carter is a bright man, and he knows what he's doing. He wants to make sure that his teeth light up during the 1980 presidential campaign.

• Johnny Carson : [on the Mets]  They have really pinned all their hopes on a brand new rookie shortstop they have this year, Earl "Oops" Dankworth. Uh, I'm not saying he's bad, but on his wedding night, his wife charged him with three errors.

• Carnac the Magnificent : [holding envelope to forehead]  Clean air, a virgin, and a gas station open on Sunday.

  Carnac the Magnificent : [opens envelope and reads]  "Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles."

• Carnac the Magnificent : [holding envelope to forehead]  Black and white, and twenty feet tall.

  Ed McMahon : Black and white, and twenty feet tall.

  Carnac the Magnificent : [opens envelope and reads]  "Describe Sister Mary Kong."

• Carnac the Magnificent : [holding envelope to forehead]  Coming Home.

  Ed McMahon : Coming Home.

  Carnac the Magnificent : [opens envelope and reads]  "If voters have their way, what message will Jimmy Carter be sending to Plains, Georgia?"

• Carnac the Magnificent : [holding envelope to forehead]  60 Minutes.

  Ed McMahon : 60 Minutes.

  Carnac the Magnificent : [opens envelope and reads]  "How much time has Governor Brown spent in California this year?"

• Carnac the Magnificent : [holding envelope to forehead]  An Unmarried Woman.

  Carnac the Magnificent : [opens envelope and reads]  "What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5pm, June 1st, 1952?"

• Carnac the Magnificent : May a crazed furniture refinisher stain your sister's hope chest.

• Angie Dickinson : I love to pull weeds - isn't that odd? I - I am odd, but... what it does - it's so easy to do, and then it looks so clean when you're all finished, and I don't have to wait for it to spring up or anything like that.

  Johnny Carson : Pulling weeds is a big thing in your life.

  Angie Dickinson : It's nice! It has its moments.

  Johnny Carson : Never have had that answer in seventeen years - somebody says, "You know, I really dig pulling weeds."

• Angie Dickinson : [on rescuing worms]  You'll find them trying to get back to the earth, to the ground, and they're on the asphalt, being swept away.

  Johnny Carson : But then aren't they washed over to some other ground or something?

  Angie Dickinson : Where? They're washed into the wash, like everybody else.

  Johnny Carson : And this bothers you?

  Angie Dickinson : Yes! Doesn't it bother you?

  Johnny Carson : Hell, no!

• Angie Dickinson : If you saved a cat from a high tree, wouldn't you - so what's the difference?

  Johnny Carson : A cat I can relate to!

  Angie Dickinson : Well, if you went out and watched those worms, you would relate.

  Johnny Carson : ...I - I've *been* swept out of my home before. Nobody came out and put a stick under *me*.

• Johnny Carson : You're still beautiful, you've got a good figure - but the mind is going...

• Johnny Carson : [on demonstrating the Heimlich maneuver to a friend]  I did as you said; I got the thumb under the rib cage, and I gave kind of an upward - so forth - and I cracked one of his ribs. Unbeknownst to him - and the next day, he came in all taped up; I had cracked - I had cracked his ribs, and I said, "But aren't you breathing a lot better?"

• Johnny Carson : So I am seated in a restaurant, and you would ask me to stand up?

  Henry Heimlich : Not necessarily. But I'll show you how to do it standing up, and then show you that it can be done seated.

  Johnny Carson : Alright. So I'm going...

  [Johnny makes a choking signal] 

  Henry Heimlich : Right... Are you choking?... OK... The first time you've been silent on your show.

• Johnny Carson : [putting arms around Angie Dickinson to demonstrate the Heimlich maneuver]  Forgive me - I'm not a surgeon; I may stray.