The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (TV Series)

Charles Grodin/John Mendoza/k.d. lang (1992)

Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : [discussing Charles Grodin's book]  "Charles Grodin: How I Get Through Life", "a wise and witty guide". And I have, I have looked through this.

  Charles Grodin : Really.

  Johnny Carson : Well, I didn't read the entire book, what do you think I am, Evelyn Wood? But as I say, I just opened it and read various little things. I can tell you, for example, when you were very young, you drank and you had a terrible aversion to alcohol. Right? When you were very young?

  Charles Grodin : Not really.

  Johnny Carson : That's what it says in the book.

  Charles Grodin : Oh, yes.

  Johnny Carson : You made that up? It isn't true?

  Charles Grodin : No no, I wrote that book, y'know, even though you didn't ask me why I wrote the book, I wrote the book, uh, because y'know, twenty years ago, when you first met me, you couldn't tell, because you only know me out here, but I was a completely different person. Completely different.

  Johnny Carson : Good, good.

  [audience laughter] 

  Charles Grodin : And uh...

  Johnny Carson : In what way were you different?

  Charles Grodin : ..Do you care what way I was different?

  [audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Not a whit.

  [more laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Of course I do! We do this every time you come out here!

  Charles Grodin : Well you don't care how I was different!

  Johnny Carson : Of course I do.

  Charles Grodin : You don't care how I wrote the book, you don't care what's in the book, you don't care that I'm referred to as a "zen master" in a major literary review of this book, that it has it has echoes of James Thurber, Andy Rooney, that the stores are already buying it more, it's not even been officially published. You don't care about all that plug stuff. It's true. You don't care.

  Johnny Carson : ...Gee.

  Charles Grodin : In fact, it offends you, it upsets you, it irritates you. You resent it, you resent it.

  Johnny Carson : Well, I've never written a book.

  Charles Grodin : That's what I mean, you've never written a book, you've just been doing this for years.

  Johnny Carson : What? This what?

  Charles Grodin : This...

  Johnny Carson : [interrupting]  This place where you can come and sell these books!

  [audience applauds] 

  Charles Grodin : Listen, the last time I came out here two years ago...

  Johnny Carson : [interrupting]  I feel like this is a K-Mart tonight! You're just going down the aisle: "Uh, gimme one of those. Gimme a movie. Gimme a book."

  Charles Grodin : Well, I've got, I'm not doing a talk show at night. I can do this stuff. When you're not doing a talk show, maybe you'll write a book. Maybe you'll do a movie. Maybe you'll write a, I don't THINK so.

  Johnny Carson : Well you should've known- you should've known me twenty years ago, I was a completely different person.