- Lemony Snicket: It may be difficult to believe, but, at any given moment, someone somewhere is in a dangerous situation and other people in some other place are dancing and having a good time. The world is often like this. A celebration here; terrible trouble just outside the door.
- Klaus Baudelaire: I can't believe it!
- Violet Baudelaire: You mean that our baby sister is climbing up an elevator shaft with the help of her teeth?
- Klaus Baudelaire: I can't believe any of it.
- Esmé Squalor: You can't open this box until you give me the money. That's illegal.
- Violet Baudelaire: What's illegal is auctioning off children!
- Esmé Squalor: Not everywhere.
- Count Olaf: Have you never even heard of banana daiquiris?
- Esmé Squalor: Bananas aren't in.
- Count Olaf: Oo, we'll see about that.
- Isadora Quagmire: You found us!
- Lemony Snicket: [narrating] This story is not about a happy reunion.
- Isadora Quagmire: I'm so happy to see you!
- Klaus Baudelaire: I've never been so happy to see anyone.
- Lemony Snicket: I have read hundreds of newspaper articles, diaries, and more than one lavishly illustrated catalog in an attempt to understand the sad story of the Baudelaire orphans. And the horrors I have found are best expressed, not with words, but with a sound you'll hear later in this very episode.
- [kids falling and screaming]
- [last lines]
- Olivia Caliban: [in their car hiding behind a sign] Where do you think he'd head?
- Jacques Snicket: Somewhere far from here. But he'd be far from alone.
- Olivia Caliban: And the Baudelaires?
- Jacques Snicket: Their story's not over.
- Olivia Caliban: Then what are we waiting for?
- [Olaf's henchpeople drive by with the big red herring on their roof]
- Jacques Snicket: A red herring...
- Librarian: The world is more complicated than I thought.
- Jacques Snicket: That usually ends up being the case.
- Librarian: Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I should just go back to my library, where things are safe and well-organized, if also lonely and unfulfilled.
- Lemony Snicket: It may be difficult to believe, but, at any given moment, someone somewhere is in a dangerous situation and other people in some other place are dancing and having a good time. The world is often like this. A celebration here, terrible trouble just outside the door.
- Esmé Squalor: There's nothing quite like a luxurious 46-course lunch followed by a handful of hot pickled fish and several lengthy musical numbers.
- Count Olaf: You flatter me.
- Henchperson Of Indeterminate Gender: I would like to bid on that red herring for the restaurant Herring Houdini, where I work.
- Count Olaf: Sold, to restaurant person for indeterminate amount of money which will be paid later.
- Jerome Squalor: Esmé, love of my life, I am tired of being treated this way. 206!
- Esmé Squalor: Well, maybe I'm tired of you. 207!
- Bidder: Maybe I'm tired of both of you! 208!
- Larry: I'm tired of failure and hopelessness in the face of treachery and doom. 209!
- Count Olaf: I'm tired of self-indulgent existential crises and an overabundance of hardcover books. 210.
- Jacques Snicket: You're needed, Olivia Caliban.
- Librarian: Why?
- Jacques Snicket: I could show you, but once you see it it'll be hard to turn back.
- Librarian: Well, is it far?
- Jacques Snicket: I'll have to turn back.
- Hook-Handed Man: The management regrets it cannot allow any orphans to escape.
- Sunny Baudelaire: Someday Olaf's perfidy will end.
- Hook-Handed Man: What does perfidy mean?
- Sunny Baudelaire: Treachery, basically.
- Hook-Handed Man: You know, you're clever, and you're good with your teeth. If you played your cards right, you could join our troupe instead of surrendering your fortune and your life, more or less in that order.
- White Faced Woman #1: [Reading from The Daily Punctilio] "Opening night at Herring Houdini was a success the size of the Hindenburg."
- White Faced Woman #2: "This very fishy, very in restaurant attracted a crowd ranging from the city's most prominent bankers to the most prominent financial advisers."
- Count Olaf: You really are starting to grow as a thesbian.
- Esmé Squalor: Thesbian? Well, I *do* love horses.
- Esmé Squalor: All my life I've climbed the ladder of success armed only with ruthless ambition and a large inheritance. I've paid my dues for weeks to become the city's sixth most important financial advisor, to become this statuesque powerhouse that stands gorgeously before you. I had the whole world at my remarkably small feet.