Family Guy (TV Series)

Petey IV (2017)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : How do you say "friend" in Russian?

  Vladimir Putin : There is no Russian word for it.

• Peter Griffin : So, what do you do for fun around here? You got DirecTV?

  Vladimir Putin : We have Time Warner.

  Peter Griffin : You got HBO?

  Vladimir Putin : We have Starz.

  Peter Griffin : You got ESPN?

  Vladimir Putin : We have Fox Sports 1.

  Peter Griffin : Does that come in HD?

  Vladimir Putin : 420P.

  Peter Griffin : You got...

  Vladimir Putin : Everything you say, I say something little bit worse.

  Peter Griffin : You got "Simpsons"?

  Vladimir Putin : We have "Family Guy".

  Peter Griffin : [disappointed]  Ah, I did it to myself.

• Peter Griffin : Vladimir Putin?

  Vladimir Putin : Da. Where is bathroom? I George Brett myself on plane.

  Peter Griffin : Gross!

  [breaking the fourth wall] 

  Peter Griffin : You can Google that during the commercial.

• Vladimir Putin : Peter, you not coward I thought. You put up impressive fight.

  Peter Griffin : Thanks, Vladimir. You know, as someone who doesn't read the paper or listen to the news, you're not such a bad guy.

  Vladimir Putin : Well, thank you. To show there are no hard feelings, anyone want to go to strip club and look at some cat emojis with me?

  Peter Griffin : Hell, yeah.

  Joe Swanson : I'm up for the strip club.

  Vladimir Putin : Great. Who's driving?

  Peter Griffin : You know, you're gonna think I'm crazy, but it's such a nice day, I was kind of thinking of taking my shirt off and riding a horse there.

  Vladimir Putin : Get out! That's totally my thing!

• Lois Griffin : Oh, my god. President Putin? What-what are you doing here?

  Vladimir Putin : Husband write me impertinent e-mail. Says any American can beat up any Russian. I am here to prove him wrong.

  Lois Griffin : You're gonna beat up my husband?

  Vladimir Putin : Unless he American chicken.

  Peter Griffin : Did you just call me... chicken?

  Vladimir Putin : Yes. Chicken.

  [flapping his arms] 

  Vladimir Putin : Fi-cray! Fi-cray! Fi-cray! Sound different in Russia.

  Peter Griffin : Nobody calls me... chicken. Outside, now.

• Brian Griffin : Suicide hotline.

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, I'm a pathetic dog whose family kicked him out, and I want to kill myself.

  Brian Griffin : Stewie?

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, Brian! How's the new job going?

• Lois Griffin : Okay, everybody, time to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house.

  Peter Griffin : They're dead.

  Lois Griffin : Not your grandparents, Peter. I'm talking about my parents.

  Peter Griffin : I hate going there. I'm not allowed to touch anything in their house. And besides, today's Dolph Lundgren's birthday, and me and the guys always celebrate it by watching "Rocky IV".

  Lois Griffin : Fine, we're probably better off without you. You always find a way to embarrass us at my parents'.

  Peter Griffin : [in an editing suite after a cutaway gag]  Hi. We're concerned that many of you "Family Guy" fans under 40 didn't get that reference, so I'm gonna take you through the actual commercial.

  [playing the real commercial for Polaner All Fruit preserve] 

  Peter Griffin : Okay, typical '80s stuffy brunch. Clearly the matriarch. She's got the most pearls. Weird sexual tension there. Okay, okay, watch. Here's where it all goes to hell. See? He called it jelly. See... all right, now, what I don't get is, if they know this guy, why are they surprised by the way he talks? Right? And if they don't know him, why is he at the table?

  [ending the tape] 

  Peter Griffin : Okay, now you have the information that would've made that funny had you had it going in.

• Peter Griffin : [learning NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is a Russian asset and plans to suspend Tom Brady]  You leave that gorgeous piece of ass alone. I was right about you from the start, Putin. You can't just do whatever you want in the world and get away with it. It's time someone stood up to you. And survived.

• Glenn Quagmire : [watching a Russian bootleg of "Rocky IV"]  All right, here comes the fight.

  Peter Griffin : Get ready to eat it, Drago!

  Cleveland Brown : [Drago knocks Rocky out with one punch]  What the hell?

  Peter Griffin : Son of a bitch! Those Ruski bastards changed the movie so Drago wins!

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah! Rocky gets up!

  Cleveland Brown : Not only does he not get up, he's holding a sign that says "Workers of the world, unite!"

  Peter Griffin : Well, that-that seems like a logical idea, but this aggression will not stand!

  [taking out a laptop and typing as he talks] 

  Peter Griffin : I'm writing Vladimir Putin an angry e-mail. "Dear Vladimir..."

  Cleveland Brown : Ho-ho! That's telling him!

  Peter Griffin : "I hope this e-mail finds you well."

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, man, I wish I could see his face.

  Peter Griffin : "I'll get right to the point. My friends and I were aghast when we saw what you did to the end of 'Rocky IV'. Everyone knows that any American can beat up any Russian on any day of the week. Other than that, all is well on this end. Chris continues to hit the books as best he can, and his grades have shown some improvement. Stewie is growing like a weed. And Meg has come a woman in front of our very eyes." And... send.

  Cleveland Brown : I think we lost a little steam there at the end.

• Peter Griffin : All right, you ready to watch "Rocky IV"?

  Joe Swanson : Let's do it!

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah!

  Cleveland Brown : Happy Dolph Lundgren Day!

  Peter Griffin : [pressing play and getting a message that the disc is unreadable]  What the... what the hell?

  Glenn Quagmire : Try blowing on it.

  Peter Griffin : [doing so and blowing saliva on it; the error message then reads "disc now gross"]  Crap! It doesn't work!

  Cleveland Brown : Well, we gotta watch the movie. It's our tradition.

  Glenn Quagmire : We could just stream it on your Apple TV.

  Peter Griffin : Is that what that is? I thought it was a coaster. I've been putting cold, wet things on it for a month.

  Joe Swanson : Turn it on. I'm sure we can find "Rocky IV" on there.

  Peter Griffin : [trying]  I don't know how to turn it on. It doesn't have any buttons.

  Joe Swanson : Well, maybe it's voice-activated.

  [loudly] 

  Joe Swanson : Rocky IV! Rocky IV!

  Peter Griffin : Let's just go to the damn store.

  Joe Swanson : Hold on, hold on. Let me try screaming at the PlayStation.

• Peter Griffin : [preparing to fight Vladimir Putin]  You're going down!

  Glenn Quagmire : Kick his ass, Peter!

  Cleveland Brown : Yeah, kick his ass!

  Joe Swanson : Punch his ass, Peter!

  [as Peter throws a punch, Putin's bodyguards restrain him, and Putin punches him in the face] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, pretty quick, huh? Well, how about this?

  [throwing another punch, he's restrained and punched again, this time in the stomach] 

  Peter Griffin : Here comes the haymaker!

  [he's restrained a third time, with Putin throwing multiple punches] 

  Peter Griffin : You had enough?

  [he's knocked out by a Putin uppercut] 

  Cleveland Brown : He gone.

• Vladimir Putin : Welcome to Russia, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Man, Russia has the hottest and ugliest women in the world. All tens and ones.

  [passing by women on the sidewalk] 

  Peter Griffin : Wow! Whoa. Wow! Whoa. Wow! Whoa.

  [sadly, as a woman says "whoa"] 

  Peter Griffin : Aw, I'm a "whoa."

• Brian Griffin : [falling down a stairwell at work]  Aah! My leg is broken! Only thing I can possibly do is lick it repeatedly.

  [doing so] 

  Brian Griffin : There we go. That's fixing it.

• Stewie Griffin : Oh, looks like Putin's phone is buzzing.

  [a text from Donald Trump reads "Heard you're in town. Up for grabbing some", followed by three cat emojis] 

• Carl : Hey, you guys, why the long faces?

  Peter Griffin : Eh, we were trying to watch "Rocky IV" and our DVD didn't work. And that's just Scottie Pippin.

  Scotty Pippin : [with a long horse-like chin]  When I was a baby, they pulled me out of my moms real slow.

  Carl : We got a bin of old movies. "Rocky IV" might be in there.

  Glenn Quagmire : [going through the bin]  Let's see. "Talladega Nights," everywhere. "Ladybugs," classic Rodney. "A Million Ways to Die in the West"? No, thank you.

  Peter Griffin : Here it is! Rocky IV!

  [seeing the language in which it's written] 

  Peter Griffin : Aw, nuts, this one's written in terrorism.

  Carl : That's, uh, Cyrillic. It's a Russian bootleg.

  Peter Griffin : All right, we'll take it. It's better than nothing.

  [cut to blank white background, where "nothing" lets out an indignant "Hey!"] 

• Vladimir Putin : Well, Peter, thank you for showing me Quahog.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, it was fun. I'm gonna miss you, Vladimir.

  Vladimir Putin : So, come with me back to Russia. I need friend.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, I'm flattered, but my home is here. And besides, I can't go to Russia. I'm scared of Brigitte Nielsen.

  Vladimir Putin : She is here with you in your country.

  Peter Griffin : She-she's here now? Is she... O... all ri...

  [ushering him onto the plane] 

  Peter Griffin : Okay, okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go, wheels up, let's go!

  [Nielsen bursts onto the runway] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my god, she can smell the tiny bottles of booze. We gotta go! We gotta go now!

  [catching up, she hangs onto the wheel well, but the force of take-off pushes her off] 

  Chris Griffin : [praying at his bedside]  Dear Lord, please send me a 6'7" blonde woman who likes to drink until she blacks out.

  [she crashes through the roof of another house] 

  John Herbert : I think we got our prayers crossed.

  [a boy about his age crashes through the roof onto Chris' bed] 

• Peter Griffin : [narrating as the episode fades]  Vlad and I finished our dance, then spent the rest of the night talking. The next day, he poisoned me on the limo ride to the airport with radioactive tea. I lost half my body weight, all my hair, and I have lesions that'll never heal. That's our president's best friend.