- Rodney Dangerfield: I tell ya, with my wife, it's always something. Y'know? The other day, I called her up and I said to her, "Honey, I was thinkin' about the last time we had sex, I'm gettin' excited." She said, "Who is this?"
- Rodney Dangerfield: My old man never liked me. When he took me hunting, he gave me a three minute head start. And on the way home, he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car!