- Chidi Anagonye: I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French. But I went to American schools, so I also speak English. And German and Greek. And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: ...Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"
- [first lines]
- Michael: Hi, I'm Michael. You must be The Doorman.
- The Doorman: [points at his DOORMAN sign]
- Michael: Ah. This is wild. I had no idea this was even here. So I have this ruling from The Judge. Heading on down to Earth to reverse the deaths of these four people. It's kind of tricky, you know? It starts up a new timeline, so there might be some ripple effects. But it's necessary for the experiment that we're doing there. So, how long's this trip take? Hope I don't get a middle seat.
- [snaps, chuckles]
- The Doorman: Wow, I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years. And I still haven't.
- [stamps his paperwork APPROVED]
- Simone Garnett: [Chidi is in an MRI machine] I'm just going to ask you some basic questions, Chidi. What is one plus one?
- Chidi Anagonye: Two.
- Simone Garnett: What color is the sky?
- Chidi Anagonye: Blue.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [Interrupts] What color are Simone's eyes?
- Chidi Anagonye: [Without thinking] Brown. Uh uh, what?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: If you could take Simone anywhere on a date, where would you take her?
- Chidi Anagonye: Sorry, is this part of the experiment?
- Simone Garnett: It is now, yes. Please answer the question. And keep in mind, we can see your brain.
- Simone Garnett: [Explaining the MRI machine] Each of you will get a chance in here eventually. Hopefully none of you's claustrophobic?
- Jason Mendoza: Claustrophobic? Who'd ever be scared of Santa Claus? Ohhh, the Jewish.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Are you from Florida?
- Jason Mendoza: Jacksonville.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yeahhhh...
- Jason Mendoza: Do we have to leave right now? My friend gave me a pill that I realized one second ago was definitely a laxative.
- Chidi Anagonye: So for Aristotle, virtue is practical. Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has. It's something that she achieves through her actions. Questions?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?" "huh?" And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle.
- [Has a sudden thought]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"?
- The Doorman: Travel papers...
- Michael: Yeah. You know, The Judge said to use the same ones. Because I'm, uh, you know, visiting the same people. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I brought you a nice hot cup of antimatter.
- The Doorman: I usually only drink decaf antimatter.
- Michael: Ah.
- The Doorman: Eh, I'll take it. It's only 4:30. My shift doesn't end until 9 billion.
- Chidi Anagonye: [after a near miss by a falling air conditioner] That, that is right where I was standing! I was frozen here, unable to make a single decision, and I almost got crushed by an air conditioner. This is a sign... I shouldn't be using air conditioners. The freon is awful for the environment.
- Uzo: That's the lesson you take from this?
- Chidi Anagonye: Huh, there are actual answers here, data you can observe and learn from.
- Simone Garnett: Yeah, man, science is all about getting answers. You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single questions. That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
- Janet: I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like. One of them is hot enough to be on "The Bachelor." And smart enough to never go on "The Bachelor."
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Whenever anyone tells me a story about their life, I always imagine all the people as being super hot. Otherwise, I quickly lose interest. Do you not do that? You can do it for free.
- Jason Mendoza: [finishing his flashback] So I walked out of that bar, came down to this wharf, threw a rock at a snake, met a guy named Zack Pizazz, talked to him about my crazy year that I've had, which started when I was locked in a safe...
- Michael: No, that was me. I'm Zack Pizazz. We're caught up now.