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Reviews
Tom and Jerry: A Nutcracker Tale (2007)
Thinly veiled religious propaganda and bad animation.
This is neither Tom and Jerry, nor The Nutcracker. It's cheaply animated, horribly voiced, and to top it off heavy-handedly spouts religious propaganda. "Of course there's a toymaker! We were made by SOMEBODY!" "Follow the star!" Jerry is trapped at the bottom of a frozen pond and a heavenly light shines down on him, giving him the strength to break free of the vine binding him to the pond floor. Sick.
In addition to the awful animation and voice acting, there is no real story to the cartoon at all. It's a bunch of unrelated plot lines stitched together with what might have once been the base tale of the Nutcracker. The entire debacle feels disconnected from itself. Skip it.
The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Matrix Revelations...er...Revolutions.
The end times are all upons. And Neo has come to evoke prophetic providence. And we've seen it all before.
The Wachowski brothers continue to shove the Christ-child story down our throats with all the subtlety of Oprah in a Twinkie factory. What was once intelligent parallel has become blatant plagiarism, if something like the entire mythos of Christianity can be plagiarized. I guess they think the movie-going public didn't get it the first two times.
What's worse, this film is filled with enough cheese to put Kraft to shame. The concept of "hu-man" love is revisited so many times, you'd think this was a Hugh Grant vehicle. Repetition seems to be the key theme this time around. The movie repeats all of the key concepts of the two previous films, individuals repeat the 'deep philosophy' envisioned by the brothers W, and the whole thing unravels as the most boring and trite war scene ever put to film plays itself out not once, but twice.
This is not the end of a trilogy. It is the second piece of Matrix inspired fan-fiction to make it to the screen. Granted, the fans were the creators of the Matrix, but I guess all that money in their wallets poisoned them somehow. If you want to see The One... rent the original. For it is the true savior of the series.
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Eh....
A less than good movie with some great special effects and a few outstanding fight scenes. The story is paper thin, the over use of some effects is laughable, and there are a number of WTF scenes. All in all... a matinee just to say you've seen it.
The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
Definitely not a classic...
What can you expect from the man who gave us Waterworld? It appears Kevin Reynolds has went back to film school and has literally taken every cliche listed in the textbook to heart. From a half-shadowed face representing the two sides of internal conflict to the wind-blown candle signaling approaching danger to giving all of those with questionable moral fiber very bad teeth. Oh dear! Is that foreshadowing? He's reading The Prince by Machiavelli...what could he possibly be planning? Reynolds has followed to the letter the recipe for a cookie-cutter piece of tripe. Take 1 semi-hunky lead, 1 hammy villain, 1 pretty woman, 1 wizened sage and 1 clown modeled after Disney comic relief. Place in a medium sized European country and shake until all art has been drained. Serve luke warm. Honestly, I would have rather sat through an animated musical rendition of this story with a Hispanic monkey in Luis Guzman's place (voiced by that crazy John Leguizamo...yee...um...haw) and perhaps a Jeremy Irons powered villain. If you want a classic, take the $9 you'd spend on a ticket, head off to a used book store and pick up the penned version. Let this predictable piece of dung rot in the bog with Kostner's rubber gills.
The One (2001)
Bleh.
The One (or "The Matrix - Mrs. Henderson's 4th Grade Rendition" or "Highlander '01 - the Dumbening" or ... well, you get the point) is barely watchable, and then only for die-hard special effects lovers. The action is pointless and not choreographed well at all. The dialogue is strained at best. I was embarrassed for the actors, who on the whole were not a poor selection. Johnathan Statham (Snatch, Lock Stock), while a wonderful actor in his element, sounded like he was trying to do a Bronx-Texan accent while chewing on aluminum foil. Jet Li was given the cheesiest lines ever bestowed upon an english-dialogue kung fu film actor. Over all, I'd rather save the $8 and hit myself in the head with a bat while watching The Quest. It delivers the same effect.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
Best comedy this summer...not a tough feat, but still...
Self referential and full of in jokes, JASBSB is fun as hell. Anyone who's a fan of Kevin Smith movies will see this regardless of what is posted about this film, so I suppose I'm wasting my breath and valuable server space. Good flick.
Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001)
How many times can you be a fish out of water?
This movie, while mildly entertaining, has absolutely nothing new to offer to the franchise. The plot is completely formulaic. You have your constant, Mick Dundee thrown into a scenario he is unfamiliar with. He uses his Abo skills to outwit dim thugs and international smugglers. It's basically ((Croc1 + Croc2)-originality)/90 minutes. If your kids have never seen Crocodile Dundee or a Subaru Outback commercial, it's worth a matinee price (provided at least half of the party sneaks in). Otherwise, wait for it on video. And even then, don't expect much for your money.
The Last Broadcast (1998)
Many times more ambitious than 'Blair Witch'
With all of the hype over the Blair Witch Project being 'the most original piece of film ever created' it's a wonder that so few people remembered the Last Broadcast. Broadcast is scarier, more involved and generally a better movie.
Se7en (1995)
Nice concept, too many holes
Se7en was an interesting concept, i loved the idea. Too bad David Fincher occasionally leaves out a little thing called logic. Too many plot holes, unanswered questions and preposterous character choices all around. This could have been a masterpiece, instead, it's just another movie you've seen before and it wasn't that good the first time.
Inspector Gadget (1999)
I wanted to stab out my eyes
This movie was probably the worst piece of drivel I've ever seen, I want my two hours back. This movie is only fit to torture prisoners of war, and then only the ones that kill babies or rape schoolchildren. Matthew Broderick's mother said "I have no Ferris"