Reviews

Before I begin my review, I would like to say a few words about Tor Johnson. Tor Johnson... ah, yes, Tor Johnson, the immovable slab of granite. His illustrious movie covering John Carradine, Ed Wood, and even Coleman Francis. Oh, his roles often resembled each other, all right, and he never really said much, but when he spoke, the audience listened. "Time for go to bed," he would say, and darn it if the characters in the movie didn't listen to him. And his speaking role-heavy movies such as the masterful "Plan 9 from Outer Space" proved him the versatile actor he really was. If he were to say "I'm a big boy now, Johnny," as he so spiritedly did in that movie, you believed him. However, though many would disagree, it could be said that Tor reached his performing peak in the movie "The Unearthly" as the unyielding lab assistant Lobo. His major lines, such as "I found him in he garden" and "time for go to bed" have retained permanently a place in the annals of great movie lines along with "Flag on the moon... how'd it get there?" from "Night Train to Mundo Fine." However, it is "time for go to bed" that especially stands out. Never has a single phrase conveyed so much emotion, so much feeling, so much hidden meaning. In all seriousness, the movie "The Unearthly" places itself firmly alongside such classics as "Manos: Hands of Fate" and "Hobgoblins" as being one of the worst movies ever, although it remains somewhat more bearable than most. The plot, revolving around the demented experiments of John Carradine's mad scientist character, is ludicrous, while much of the filming focuses on disfigured faces and the movie's leading ladies. Above all, this is an unpleasent movie, and wanting to turn it off is about as unavoidable as a gag reflex (watching it is about as fun, too). Have fun.

Let me first say that I thoroughly enjoyed this film. I'm not saying it is an original film, or a profound film, or a masterwork of Japanese cinema. No, it isn't any of those things. It is, in summary, a movie about two big monsters duking it out in the middle of a major Japanese city and destroying as many buildings as possible in the process. It's loud, fast-paced, and is probably the best, production value-wise, of any of the recent Godzilla movies. It's also poorly dubbed and has a plot like most of the other Godzilla (or other kaiju) films, but who cares? It's fun to watch, and that's what counts! Ironically, this is also a much better movie, dubbing and all, than the 1998 Godzilla... Hollywood should take note that sometimes impressive special effects do not equal "fun."

The Castle of Cagliostro is yet another masterpiece director Hayao Miyazaki, proving once again the versatility of both the medium and the director. The story of Lupin the notably thief is funny, charming, and full of action, while at the same time retaining the sense of decency of most other films by the director. Unlike the typical stereotype of anime (which is the reason that almost every title in Blockbuster under Animation has a Youth Restricted Viewing sticker), which is only true some of the time, there is nothing notably offensive in this movie. And yet it manages to be completely entertaining for all age groups.. what an interesting concept. The animation is beautiful if slightly dated, and the music and dialogue all fit. I highly recommend it to anyone willing to give it a shot.

Words cannot describe this movie. Ok, maybe they can, but they won't be very good words. One probably could not print them in the newspaper. Everything about this movie reeks: the dubbed-in voices (they lost the original soundtrack), the repetitive dialogue, the huge-kneed Torgo (you will see if you watch, although don't take that as a recommendation to see this), and the stupid plot. That isn't really a long enough list, but I don't think they would allow me to write the sheer amount of words it would take to describe how truly revolting this movie is in every way. If you really, really want to torture yourself, and you have plenty of experience with other bad movies (it helps to have seen such cinematic masterpieces as Hobgoblins and Red Zone Cuba), then prepare yourself for one heck of a ride. (Well, not really, but I just like saying that, since my therapist says it will help the healing begin.)

Gamera isn't the worst but it isn't quite on top, either. There are three words to describe this movie: stale, kiddie, and boring. Everything that is in this movie has been done before, and better, by a fire-breathing Toho-spawned monster whose name shall not be mentioned. Except in this movie there is an added "bonus": a little kid who whines about losing "Tibbie," his pet turtle, and actually interacts with the monster. The movie drags on and on, Gamera stomps on some buildings (the black-and-white helps make these scenes a little better, though), and the dubbing (by Sandy Frank...great) is serviceable but not very good. Watch this if it's on TV and you have nothing--repeat, NOTHING--else to do, or if you are a hard-core Gamera or kaiju eiga fan. Otherwise, skip this movie; if you're looking for a good laugh, try Gamera vs. Guiron.

This is easily the best of the Godzilla series, the most masterfully plotted and executed, and one of the only ones where the Big Guy ends up looking ridiculous instead of fearsome. The original Japanese cut is definitely the way to go if you really want to see the way the movie was meant to be. A lot of scenes not present in the American version help connect and deepen the characters, and original dialogue is always preferable to dubbing. However, surprisingly, the Americanized Godzilla, King of the Monsters stands it's ground as well. While not quite as powerful as the original on the point of nuclear allegory, Raymond Burr is, unlike in Godzilla 1985, edited convincingly into the film. Terry Morse actually took some time to think up ways to incorporate Burr, and so this version, thankfully, is not a total disaster. Even if you aren't really a huge fan of Japanese monster flicks, rent this or watch it on TV if it's on; if you are, you must watch this movie.

Why is it that Minya is the same size as Ichiro in one scene, and is half Godzilla's height (Godzilla, who grabs fighter jets in his hands and crushes them) in the next? I'll never understand that... this is one of many odd elements of this film. Most of the monster footage is stock, and since different Godzilla designs were used in the movies that the footage is culled from, the effect can be quite jarring; Godzilla looks totally different in Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster than he does in Son of Godzilla, and since footage is used from both of these films, some scenes look really weird next to each other. And that little boys pants, and that strange Japanese inventer guy, and Minya's Barney Rubble voice... this is a nightmare of a movie. On the brighter side, it is also a very funny nightmare of a movie, and can be quite entertaining (although not nearly on the level of the far-worse Gamera series).

It's no Akira, but Odin: Photon Sailing Ship Starlight is entertaining, if nothing more. You won't find any deep themes or realistic, enduring characters- just some decent animation and an adequate story. Although it in no way compares to some more recent efforts in the field, it is ok in it's own right.

Wow. This has to be the worst thing (television or otherwise) that I have ever seen that has been called entertainment. Wookies grunting for a half-hour without translation. Stock footage from the original Star Wars movie (the best part). Carrie Fisher singing. Chewbacca's family, for crying out loud! This television special is so bad that it is impossible to describe; you need to see it for yourself. That might be hard, though, because the only copies of it in existence are bootlegs selling for a good amount of money at Star Wars conventions. However, if you ever see one for cheap, or just get an opportunity to see this, do so. You'll never forget it.

Pi is an extremely odd movie. I considered it the equivalent of reading Neuromancer by William Gibson: it's only enjoyable if you resign yourself to the fact that you probably won't understand most of what's going on. Pi is about a lot of things, really; it's about a mad but brilliant mathematician trying to discover the secret of the number, it's about a group of religious Jews trying to find the secret to communicating with God, and it's about teetering on the brink of insanity. It's well worth renting and sitting through, despite the fact that it's barely understandable, although it's not the type of film that you want to watch twice.

The reviews about this film have been mixed; several people have said that it lacks severely, but I disagree. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace proved to me that there is still magic left in the movies. There is also something in it that I found very enjoyable: a distinct lack of cynicism. Movies and television shows today, especially comedies, are so cynical that it seriously gets on my nerves sometimes. It's nice to see something with even a slightly uplifting outlook on life, considering the fact that movies such as the "The Matrix" (which was excellent) have had a distinctly unhappy, depressing view of society. Granted, the script isn't great, but has it ever been? Part of the fun of the Star Wars series is the "gee-whiz" type of script that all of the films have had. You aren't going to find anything deep or profound, but you are going to find that you are having a good deal of fun just sitting back and watching. One last thing: Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar is the movie's only real bane; they should have simply taken out the Chewbacca-type role and not have had him in there. He adds nothing to the story, and succeeds only in appealing to the very young. Despite this small fact, "Phantom Menace" entertains, and proves that the best movies are the ones that are fun to watch. You can bet that I'm going back to this one.

Star Wars, truly, is one of the greatest films ever made. Not because of great acting, not because of a great script, but just because it is pure fun. Everything about this movie is enjoyable; the plot is a good old adventure story, where an unlikely hero saves the galaxy. However, even with it's standard plot, Star Wars catapults itself to a higher level than most adventures. First off, it has amazing special effects for its time. Even though it was made for only $10 million (pennies compared to some of today's blockbusters), it still shines through with very well-done visuals, especially with some of the alien costumes. Needless to say, this movie inspired an incredible cult following, as well as four sequels, two Ewok T.V. movies, a horrendous Christmas Special, and too much merchandising to count. All in all, this is just one of those movies that I like to watch over and over again, one that almost grows better and better with each viewing.