Reviews

If there's one thing that gets to me while I browse through movie reviews, it's pedantic, bitchy rants about "historical inaccuracies." I'll be honest--SCREW HISTORY! You don't go to the movies for a history lesson; you go because you want to scarf down popcorn while seeing two people kick the flying crap out of each other! Intelligent movies are the ones you watch at home... with the exception of Gladiator. Sure, some people can say that it's all action and not much else, but compared to the rest of the action epic crop, Gladiator pumps the most brain power out of all of them. Name another action movie this year that makes you wanna go "ick" at Commodus' incestuous advances towards his sister. Name another action movie this year that almost brings your critical ass to tears when General Maximus comes across the ashen remains of his old life. To end it all, name a Roman epic that tops Ben-Hur and Spartacus in spectacle, and you have Gladiator. Sure, Kirk Douglas would beat Russell Crowe into a body cast, but I'll go with Ridley Scott's prettier, CGI-powered Rome. And it's by DreamWorks, which is always a good thing in my book.

Now, I'm not saying M:I2 was bad. I'm not saying it was good, either. I'm just saying that it was really friggin' cool to see Tom Cruise do a slow-motion cartwheel kick on Dougray Scott's ugly mug. Now, if you wanna see action this summer, go see Gladiator. If you wanna see special effects, go see Titan, A.E. or X-Men. M:I2 runs the middle line--a fair amount of action, and decent-enough special effects... but this is friggin' Diet John Woo here. Watch something of his WITHOUT all the kind, sugar-coated PG-13 censoring, and you get films that exude raw power from every sweat-soaked pore. Believe me, "The Killer" makes this movie look like "Elmo in Grouchland." Not-half-bad state or no, grab a bunch of friends and see this movie, in a theater with a big screen and good sound. If you're the action hound I am, you'll be satisfied... just not filled.

I pored through the numerous reviews of this movie (most of 'em being not much more than a few words, and that P***ES A WRITER OFF), noting one uniform complaint-- the CGI made the fights crap. I very proudly defy this remark. Tell me what OTHER way you could show the villain's all-too-grisly demise? Or a lovely new use for a broken-off steel pipe? Okay, I was kinda p***ed that DMX had a sum totality of only six minutes of screen time, but WHAT THE HELL, it's Jet Li! On a final note... let's be honest here-- you don't go to a Jet Li movie and expect Shakespeare. You also don't go to a Jet Li movie and expect COMPLETE AND TOTAL REALISM. The fun of a kung-fu movie is the fun of exaggeration. I've seen people who, during The Matrix, have made overly-analytical comments like "THAT'S BULL! He can't dodge that many bullets in a row! She can't jump over an eighty-foot gap!" People, this is the beauty of film. Anything's possible. Not everything has to be so grounded in reality that even the most high-flying dreams are firmly kept in realism's stern grasp.

Ahh... "Fist of Legend." It's how I was introduced to Jet Li. It's also the first time I'd seen a kung-fu movie where the stars didn't fly around with the aid of the nigh-unstoppable martial art called wire-fu. Jet Li doesn't need a wire to look cool-- he drops bad guys left and right like gnats in the cruellest of ways, each and every single one bursting from the ebulliently violent mind of the king of fight, Yuen Wo-Ping, whose current credits include "The Matrix." To keep this short, this movie is awesome. Take a Jackie Chan movie (A GOOD ONE, i.e. NOT AMERICAN) and compare it to this... I'm sure you'll fall instantly in love with Jet Li's nonstop barrage of stunning martial arts madness.

Okay, let me start with the bold statement that everybody is wrong when it comes to the supposed "best of anime," namely, Ghost in the Shell and Akira. These are the freak-show Stanley Kubrick works of anime, and more than likely scare the HELL out of newcomers to this wonderful art form. My approach? Start 'em on some Obari. Preferably Fatal Fury (Garou Densetsu in Japan) or the infamous Gowcaizer. Sure, there's a lot of bouncing boobs and the lion's share of violence, but it's actually a pretty cool 90-minute thrill ride. I mean, wouldn't you rather see an armored hero plow a villain into the ground and blast him through some buildings than see some kid start literally exploding? Tell me, who watches that kind of sick sh-t and actually enjoys it? And where are they? Normal, plain old people like myself don't want cerebral movies. We want enjoyable movies. And Gowcaizer, while low on plot, certainly is enjoyable.

Let me be completely honest and open when I say that "The Matrix" is a REALLY FRIKKIN' WEIRD movie. I breezed into the theater expecting a run-of-the-mill action movie with lots and lots of things that go boom with a decent plot to move the story along, without much thought needed. Whoo boy, was I wrong. We have good ol' local boy Keanu Reeves as Neo, a hacker with some incredible power buried deep within him, and Laurence Fishburne as the enigmatic Morpheus, an equally powerful hacker who trains Neo in the use of his incredible abilities, ranging from jumping vast distances to nigh-unstoppable speed, strength, agility, and stamina, and the ever-cool ability to dodge bullets and occasionally stop them dead in their tracks. While I can't tell much more without spoiling the unbelievably cerebral plot, I can tell you that seeing "The Matrix" will give you a completely new perspective on life. Oh, and I did try and run up a wall in a paintball game after I saw this movie. If it makes you feel any better, and especially if it gives you a good laugh, I fell flat on my ass.

The U.S.S. Missouri, on its way across the pristine Pacific ocean, is suddenly hijacked by terrorists. Notice how in Movieland, there's always an abundant number of terrorists, and all of them have the intellectual capacity of a plum? No matter what, the hero will pound, shoot, or just plain massacre (i.e. the steel beam and the table saw) his enemies, who, naturally, have greater numbers and heavier weaponry. But in this case, Under Siege is plain, simple action-movie fun. Aikido expert Steven Seagal rocks, even if he can't act for beans. Erika Eleniak's also pretty nice to look at, too. I gave it a 7/10, for the action flies fast and furious, the humor hits it home, sometimes ("He's in a gunfight right now, can I take a message?"), and Tommy Lee Jones is just plain... WEIRD as the hipster bad guy. As Dr. Evil would say, "Nothing's worse than an aging hipster." But then again, there's Double Team. That's definitely worse than an aging hipster. And this is a thrill-packed action-adventure that almost everybody will love.

Jet Li's "acting" series whips around for a third time in this somewhat disappointing movie. I say "disappointing" because all his previous movies were more about the fighting and less about character development and goofy love triangles. Not that character development is a bad thing, I just feel that it doesn't have much place in a kung-fu film, and ESPECIALLY a Tsui Hark film. While break-dancer Club Foot does some incredible kicks, his character really drops low in the last half hour of the movie, and you wonder why the directors make him do what he does. Jet Li does some incredible fighting as the famous Wong Fei-Hung, but I was truly hoping that Tianbao from "Tai Ji Zhang San Feng" would come in and start a GOOD fight amidst all this lion-dancing crap. C'mon, I wanna see poles, swords, three-part staffs, and nunchaku, not these cumbersome lion masks!

One of my favorite Hong Kong actors, Jet Li, does what I call his best film in "Tai Chi Master." Starring alongside Michelle Yeoh and a dozen other folks whose name I forgot, Li plays Junbao, a monk whose best friend betrays him and becomes a ruthless whacko. This leaves him only one option: grab a pole and start clubbin' baddies. While some parts are just too cheesy to mention, i.e. people flying around and some ridiculously hokey-looking effects (you can see the cable attached to a guy's back at one point), the best fights take place with just good ol' Jet Li, a pole, and an army of bad guys, where there is no room to fly around or do the ultra-powerful Buddhist Palms. Give Tai Chi Master a try. It's a love-hate thing for most people, and in my case, it's a love thing. This movie is one of the five best kung-fu flicks ever made, in my opinion.

"The Killer" may not be the best movie ever made, but without a doubt, it IS action master John Woo's best movie. Chow Yun-Fat as tortured hitman Jeff, Danny Li as, well, Inspector Li, and frightening Fui-On Shing as bad guy Johnny Weng means "awesome cast." Gunfights galore, with Chow Yun-Fat's trademark two-gun style of battle leaving many a bad guy looking like Swiss cheese. There's even a couple punches thrown, and a single, rather quick-but-grisly thing with a French chef's knife. If you can't stomach the violence, don't watch the movie, because that's basically what makes this what it is. If you love John Woo and Chow Yun-Fat movies, see this now if you haven't. If you have, hell, watch it again! It's that good, in my opinion!

It's amazing what you can do in your "last collaborative effort." With other movies behind Chan, Hung, and Biao like "Winners and Sinners" and "Wheels on Meals" (weird-as-all-hell names, if you ask me), the three kung-fu-teers, as they've been called, made their last, and what I consider best of their films. The inimitable Jackie Chan plays a lawyer, and a corrupt one at that. However, he does beat a healthy load of bad guys into body casts, with his pals Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao along for the ride. Scary kickboxer Benny "the Jet" Urquidez dukes it out with Jackie for the last time as a generic thug, subsequently getting his villainous rear knocked from here to the god-awful studio that made "Baby Geniuses." Give this movie a try. You won't be disappointed.

I have yet to see another movie that matches this film when it comes to Japanese cinema. Even all my anime favorites, like Macross Plus and Ninja Scroll, can't match up to this. With what was available to Kurosawa in 1954 was used to its fullest extent, from armies of extras to the amazingly sentimental final battle against the bandits. Kurosawa's crowning achievement is not a film to be missed. If you're a fan of samurai films, Japanese cinema, or just good films in general, I strongly suggest that you see "The Seven Samurai," not only for its blistering, brutal fight sequences, but also for its touching examination of what it is to be the few on the side of good, when there is so much evil to fight against.

I must say, after flopping down in a rather comfy couch and inhaling two bags of Pizza Rolls, I have never enjoyed two hours of my life more than the day a bunch of relatives sat in my uncle's home theater and watched Con Air. Sure, no plot, but who cares? It's an action movie! Action movies don't have plot! They have character development but NO STORY! So alla you prudes quit whining about how action movies insult one's intelligence! They're not meant to be any slant of "intelligent!" They're mindless, simple fun where you watch stuff blow up. Anyways... Con Air is a good, but not GREAT action flick that has Nicholas Cage (one of my favorite actors) as Forrest Gump on steroids. Perfect insane guy John Malkovich plays perfect insane guy Cyrus "the Virus" Grissom, the film's beautifully deranged villain. If you want action and you're willing to shut your brain off for a while, go see Con Air. If you're unwilling, go and watch an "intelligent" action movie--if you can find one.

I'm getting sick of all this needless complaining about how "The Rock" is just another action movie. I'm sorry, [] one and all, but I must step outside my usual neutral stance to one of sheer defiance--"The Rock" is anything but another action movie. For starters, it gained TONS of critical praise, not only for the edge-of-your-seat action sequences, but also for its unique slant on the characters-- from Nicholas Cage's believable turn as a computer geek to Sean Connery's hard-edged view of life (I did love that "f--k the prom queen" line, by the way) to Ed Harris' amazing performance as the tortured villain, General Hummell. If you want to complain about a generic action movie, go see something like one of the Rambo sequels, or maybe some undeniable crap like Iron Eagle.

Nobody can deny that the first two Die Hard movies were among the best action films ever made. But, like most trilogies (Star Wars and The Godfather are exceptions), the first is the best, the second is good, and the third (compared to the first two) is the worst. While Die Hard with a Vengeance isn't a bad action movie, it just doesn't reach that level of greatness that the first two flicks had. Samuel L. Jackson is particularly enjoyable as prejudiced shop owner Zeus Carver (What, you think I'm Puerto Rican?! He said 'Hey, Zeus,' not Jesus!). Die Hard with a Vengeance is a great thrill ride, and well worth the money of a rental.

The film begins with an undeniably cool battle between main character Ryu and secondary villain Sagat. After a nice, well-placed uppercut and a blinding energy shot, the film kicks into overdrive and propels you through a thrilling martial arts adventure that is basically an assault on the senses (hey, I said "ass"). While not quite as good as anime classics in the vein of Macross Plus, Wings of Honneamise, or Ninja Scroll, Street Fighter is still worth one's time. Whether you like beautiful animation, compelling story, or if you're just a martial arts buff, this film will make you VERY happy. And if you're one of those who don't like animation because you don't appreciate what it can do over live action, you can go ..... No offense.

"Yippie ki yay, motherf--ker!" This is the line that Bruce Willis delivered in Die Hard, and this is the line that spawned all kinds of idiotic tag lines from dozens of other movies (Ah-nuld's infamous "I'll be back" doesn't count 'cause it came first). Well, lessee what we got here... Bruce Willis and his dinky little handgun as maverick cop John McClane and his dinky little handgun, Alan Rickman (in an insanely good performance) as vicious terrorist Hans Gruber, and a skyscraper-full of hostages and terrorists. Oh, don't forget the explosives. There's so much explosives in this movie that it makes me want to jump for joy. I truly get tired of movies like The Big Hit, which rely too much on a melding of Hong Kong-style gunfighting and basic fist-fights. Die Hard slams into you with the speed of a freight train, with (realistic) gunfights, a truly brutal (again, realistic) battle between Bruce Willis and Alexander Godunov, and an ending that leaves you dizzy, begging director John McTiernan for more. Hey, at least there's two more sequels, and those are just as good (but nowhere near better) as this... the original!

I was one of those people who flopped into theaters with one ominous thought on my mind: Star Wars- Episode 1 might suck. REALLY BAD. But it didn't. And legions of Trekkies have just ran back into their closets to cower in fear as the juggernaut called LucasArts plows through the market once more. What I saw in Lucas' new wunderkind was something I hadn't seen in movies in ages- a wholesome, safe-for-all-ages (except for that one scene, no spoilers now!) yarn that still kept you on the edge of your seat with fantastic sequences like the Podrace (can you say "WipeOut?") and the final battle between Obi-Wan, Schindler (I meant Qui-Gon Jinn), and Darth Maul (I meant Satan). While I did some obnoxious MSTing throughout (mostly "Kill Jar-jar! Kill Jar-jar!") I was thoroughly pleased with this movie. We have edge-of-your-seat dramatics (those always help), anime-influenced combat scenes (if you ever watch anything from Yukito Kishiro or Mamoru Oshii, you'll know what I mean), and a staggeringly cool new villain by the name of Darth Maul (I see your schwartz is as big as mine... but I have two!). My suggestion, if you haven't seen Episode 1 yet, is to haul yourself and a half-dozen friends over to the theater and buy a matinee ticket! Okay, that's a little extreme, but I still think you should see this movie, if Star Wars is your bag. If it isn't, then -the following material has been censored by the IMDb due to graphic language and crude sexual content.-

Notice I said "ONE OF." Not THE finest. No, Face/Off isn't John Woo's BEST movie (that's The Killer, and Face/Off isn't The Killer), but it is an undeniably good thrill ride. Leading the pack, we have John Travolta as FBI agent Sean Archer, who is completely obsessed with finding his arch-rival, the elusive criminal mastermind Castor Troy, so skillfully played by Nicholas Cage, then later (and MUCH better) by Travolta himself. We have Dominique Swain (insert rallying wolf whistles here) as Archer's loooovely daughter, Gina Gershon as Castor Troy's girlfriend, and Travolta and Cage switching off roles as Archer and Troy, all via the joys of plastic surgery. The action reaches a fevered pitch as the two pick up guns and start blowing up everything in sight. John Woo's trademark, dizzying, almost lyrical gunfights, punctuate each of the struggles between the determined good and the twisted evil. If you're looking for a lot of action, as well as a great story and the grace of John Woo's directing, take Face/Off for a spin. Afterwards (if you're impressed... if you aren't, don't read any further), rent John Woo's other good movies (The Killer, Hard Boiled, and Broken Arrow) and see what you think of them!

Macross Plus, the brainchild of famous (or is it infamous?) anime director/artist Shoji Kawamori, is not your average space-combat anime. While billed by some as "the Top Gun of anime" (how original is that?), Macross Plus is anything but. Top Gun was an above-average action-comedy, while Macross Plus is a window into the future, a near-paradisaic place of beauty constantly foreshadowed by imminent destruction. That happens, alright. Virtual star Sharon Apple goes on a rampage and sets a diabolical plan in motion, then our heroes go and blow things up. Sounds simplistic, but when viewed closer, it comes off as mind-blowingly complex. Rent Macross Plus and watch as animation is taken to a whole new level! (Does anyone notice that I make my comments on my favorite movies as short as possible, while the others that aren't as good get thesis papers?)

As a veteran of many comic books and their notoriously lame films, I was one of those who expected Blade to fall flat on its face with pitiful acting and little ice skates poppin' outta their boots. Well, New Line Cinema has most certainly proved me wrong. With an awesome, pumping soundtrack, dramatic, compelling acting, and battles to rival the greatest works of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, and John Woo put together, Blade was everything it was made out to be and more. Of course, you have your mandatory vampire movie elements: a couple innocent bystanders getting bitten, gloomy, dark garb, a (somewhat) tortured hero, and, of course, LOTS and LOTS of gushing blood. We have Wesley Snipes as the half-vampire, half-human hero Blade, packing enough weapons to decimate an army of his monstrous foes and still have enough left to raid the local convenience store. Stephen Dorff (god, what's up with that name?) is the incredibly slick villain Deacon Frost, who brings a new meaning to the word "evil." Lastly, we spotlight Kris Kristofferson (okay, I complained about "Dorff," but this is ridiculous...), who is Blade's supplier of weaponry and a fellow vampire-hunter. If you're in the mood for a lot of action, a little comedy (that fat guy really looks like my Algebra teacher...), lots of thick red blood (okay, big turnoff... but it's all CGI!), and a lot of surprises, see "Blade." It'll really make a cutting impression in you. (God almighty, that was a lame finishing line...)