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1/10
Total and utter rubbish
18 April 2009
Warning: Spoilers
It was funny, but essential a big pile of steaming pap compared to Crank. There's spoilers in this but really, this movie can't be spoiled.

The first one managed to take an insane concept and turn it into an enjoyable, over-the-top action movie which would have had Quentin Tarrintino enjoying his QT pants! I love the first one, quirky, does not take itself seriously at all yet you got this sense of danger from Jason's character which kept the pace going nicely and had you on the edge of your seat. Yes it had fast in-your-face editing but it worked for the most part and wasn't done too much.

Now comes the sequel. You can tell at the beginning when they have Q from Star Trek reading the news like a public broadcaster who really doesn't give a hoot anymore this has gone from any semblance of fun to total and utter spoof with no respect for the original material or the audience.

I suppose they had no other way to go after dropping the main character from a helicopter and replacing his heart (which was supposed to be full of a virus and only kept alive because of the vast quantities of adrenaline he pumped into it BTW) with a bionic one.

This my friends is not a Jason Strathern action movie it's a Jason Voorhees one. He's indestructible now. Nothing so much as hurts him. He can drop out of the sky, crash a car and go through the windshield, have multiple cops beating him up, be tortured, sustain numerous massive electric shocks, catch fire. Apart from saying ouch and 'oh dear' he never gets more than cuts or bruises. Gone is the sense of danger, you never feel he's going to have trouble in any scene.

Instead we have numerous chasing and fight scenes and lots of boobies, which I must admit I liked, but unlike the first movie I really don't feel compelled to ever watch this one again because that is essentially the plot. Jason get's a bionic heart, then goes after his old one even though the entire first movie was about him having about an hour to live as his heart was full of a virus...one which was never cured BTW and he got a second dose towards the end. I know I'm a stickler for this point but personally I hate Hollywood shoving a "You are too stupid for me to even be bothered" sign in my face, The editing is done by a Mexican on acid who's ticked off MTC doesn't do music videos any more as he tries his best to do every music video ever made in the movie. It's like he can't do a single straight shot! Ever single angle and frame has to be Com{let LY!!! BonKers!! loll look at me I'm creative and special eleventy1'11! There's even a point where they turn into Godzilla monsters! And once you get over that they have a head in water which is still alive!! Yeah of course spoilers...sorry. Please black out the words which will spoil the enjoyment of this movie.

If this had been part of a trash spoof franchise like the endless Scary Movie/Epic movies etc then at least people could have hired this out at home and injected their heads with glue beforehand to prepare. I could even understand if the first one was as insane as this, if it was like Evil Dead 2 or something but unfortunately the original set a standard and as silly as the standard was the sequel washes all over it and drops a big plop on the audience expecting them to chew it all up and say, "Thank you sir, may I have another?" Total and utter rubbish. I give it two thumbs inverted in some cat's private bits.
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Thunderbirds (2004)
7/10
Thunderbirds are F.A.B - Kind of...
19 July 2004
I took my 3 nieces to see Spiderman 2 on Sunday but it was all sold out. As a consolation I took them to see an advanced preview of Thunderbirds.

I was dreading it, I hadn't seen any trailers, I knew nothing about the plot or even who was in it because I just thought the movie was going to be so bad. I would never have envisaged myself going to see it and had fate not stepped in I probably wouldn't.

I came out at the end pleasantly surprised. It was quite good actually. This is definitely a kids movie, but one which adults can enjoy and I think Thunderbird fans will see a lot that will make them smile, but die hard fans will be annoyed at the amount of liberties taken with certain aspects of the story.

The Good – The look and feel of the Thunderbirds, Tracey Island, the Pink Limousine and all their International Rescue gizmos are spot on. They have managed to retain the retro sixties look while successfully merging it into a modern environment. I had goose bumps when the Thunderbirds launched and watching them in action took me back to all those lazy Saturday mornings when I used to watch the TV show. Some of the characters are a bit bland, but to be fair most of these do not have much screen time anyway. Of those that do, Ben Kingsley stands out as a decent version The Hood, but the two characters who steal the show are Sophia Myles and Ron Cook as Lady Penelope and Parker. They are spot on; playing off each other very naturally and providing a lot of the laughs for the movie.

There are also some wonderful references to the TV show, including an over the top mind control scene that makes one of the character walk like a puppet and one scene where a characters hand is very briefly (blink and you'll miss it) replaced with a puppet hand with string attached!

The Bad – We don't see a lot of the Thunderbirds or the Tracy characters in the type of action the TV show was famous for. This is because there is only one official rescue mission at the beginning, which is over fairly quickly. The TV show used to build up the tension, making the actual rescues exiting and nail biting stuff. In the big screen version, most of the Tracy's are incapacitated early on (although I'm glad Bill Paxton wasn't in it any more than he was because I think he'd researched the show a little too much and was acting rather wooden) and the rest of the film focuses on three children in an annoying kids movie style 'coming of age' cliché. When will Hollywood realize that a Kids movie doesn't necessarily have to focus on Kids?

The eldest kid, Alan Tracey, is the main focus of the movie. The trouble is his character is annoying and useless. Even at the end when the story has taken the predictable turn of him and his friends saving the day; he's rubbish. It's quite funny actually; he claims to know The Hood's weakness, which involves him banging his own head repeatedly against a wall until The Hood gets tired. Not literally of course, but when you see it you'll understand.

The other two children are only semi-annoying, but because the movie tries to hard to ram down the message of how important team work is and respecting everyone, even those with a stereotypical stutter, the story sometimes gets lost in the mist of all the moral messages.

Oh, and I've got a message for Ford. ' YES, WE KNOW YOU PROVIDED THE CARS FOR THE MOVIE, GIVE IT A REST WITH ALL THE 'IN YOUR FACE' PRODUCT PLACEMENTS!'

Despite all that, in the end I had fun and my nieces (none of which like the TV show that much) really enjoyed it. If you go in like I did, not knowing much about it, not expecting much and as long as you realize this is a kids movie, you might be pleasantly surprised.
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Freeze Frame (2004)
10/10
Lee Evans, as you've never seen him before!
21 June 2004
Freeze Frame is an engaging psychological thriller which keeps you guessing right up to the final shot. It's a low budget UK movie which uses few sets and only a handful of characters. However the clever editing, where the POV switches quite frequently from the main movie cameras to one of Sean's many surveillance cams, gives the movie an edge of gritty realism and adds to the overall creepy factor.

That, combined with the atmospheric music and a surprisingly superb performance by a freakishly scary looking Lee Evans (who's movie career so far has been very poor, he was the bumbling Brit with a dodgy US accent in 'There's Something About Mary' and the bumbling Brit in 'The Medallion' with Jackie Chan) soon has you forgetting about the budget as you find yourself becoming more and more engaged in this well written, character driven movie.

On the minus side, some of the supporting cast performances are not the best and towards the end the plot almost spirals out of control. Personally I hate those type of movies where they try to cover up the fact that the writers didn't really have a clue how to end it, by creating twists within twists until the viewer ends up totally confused. Freeze Frame manages to pull itself out of that trap just before they went too far IMHO and the way it ends was the best they could do under the circumstances, although I could imagine some people feeling a little bit unfulfilled and disappointed with the conclusion. Personally I loved it and I highly recommend it!
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28 Days Later (2002)
9/10
The movie that Resident Evil wants to be....
4 November 2002
Remember when a horror movie meant you had to be 18 or over to watch it? Remember what it was like to sit in the dark and be genuinely disturbed about what you were watching? I'm not on about the ghastly images of a 13 times resurrected man wearing a William Shatner mask on the prowl yet again, or the cliché filled one liners from a fire ravaged man with appalling tastes in woolly jumpers.

No, try to think past that. Try to remember the days when a horror didn't mean a killer on the prowl in a school full of perfectly formed teenagers, who all look like clones of ever other perfectly formed teenagers from a score of movies and TV shows. Try to remember when you were fighting with your girlfriend over who was going to hide behind whom. She always won of course and while she hid behind you, you had to lift up your arm to block the image for a second, because you knew something terrible was going to happen and part of you wanted to watch, but the sane part of you, the part that gets scared and truly believes in vampires, ghosts and monsters when you are on your own in bed at 2:30 in the morning and you've just heard a noise downstairs; that part of you couldn't watch. The funny thing is, when you gave up and lowered your arm, the demon would choose that moment to pounce and you'd jump out of your seat, almost knocking your girlfriend unconscious.

Remember movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Exorcist and Dawn of the Dead, Movies that were entertaining, but with gritty, disturbing realistic concepts? They had, 'What if' scenarios that were fantasy based on reality and were filmed in such a way that you believed it could happen, or at least you could imagine it happening and picture yourself trying to run around a supermarket trying to survive against hordes of zombies; something which I've always wanted to do actually.

Welcome to 28 Days later, a movie that takes horror back to its roots, whilst maintaining a modern edge that doesn't bow down to the Hollywood mainstream.

Jim wakes up in a hospital 28 days after a deadly virus is let loose on the unsuspecting, and I can imagine quite upset, British public. Society, as Jim knows it has collapsed (`It's worse then that Jim, everyone's dead!') but Jim is so shocked, he has to wander around a deserted London and bump into the reason for societies untimely demise before he finally gets it. The reason being infected humans. Now the infected are not like your classic zombie. They don't wander around like drugged up disabled people moaning, 'Brains.' You can't easily doge a hundred of them, nor can you quickly push triangle, circle R2, R2 on your Playstation to skip a level. These are humans whose blood boils with rage, they are totally consumed with a berserker fury, therefore they are just as quick and as strong as normal humans, but maybe a little more as their rage seems to fuel them. Plus they don't give a s*** about their own safety; they will gladly slice their own arm off if it meant they could get to you. Their aim simply seems to be to kill or infect other humans; that's it! So, the movie is basically about Jim and some people he meets up with trying to survive in a world gone mad, while at the same time it sends a message that humans do not need a rage virus to become inhuman.

The Director, Danny Boyle (Trainspotting) successfully draws the audience in to Jim, and humanities plight. The movie is low budget, but Danny uses all the tricks he can to add to the atmosphere, things like striking, powerful images of deserted cities and motorways, believable characters and some of the most realistic looking dead bodies I've ever seen in a movie. Even the use of digital cameras adds to the gritty realism.

Although not a very original concept, 28 Days Later is far better then any recent similar movies like Resident Evil, although it does borrow quite heavily from Dawn of the Dead, which if you think about it isn't really a bad thing!
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Formula 51 (2001)
8/10
One of the better attempts at stealing Guy Ritchie's throne
9 December 2001
Warning: Spoilers
(Minor Spoilers) The 51st State has two things going against it. The first is that it is yet another independent British film about drugs and those that deal in drugs. It is enriched with several cheeky characters, all sporting interesting accents that speak lots of witty, profanity filled dialogue and there are several diverse plot elements, which somehow all become connected towards the end.

In other words, it's another Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels type of movie. Ever since that movie became a success, our video stores have been filled with poor attempts to cash in on that success. Out of 100 Lock, Stock & Snatch type movies, there has been only two that I've seen since have been any good, and they are Go and Sexy Beast. Is the 51st State then, yet another botched attempt at cashing in on Guy Ritchie's share of the movie market? I'll get to that a bit later!

The second thing it has against it, is that it concentrates on all the dark stereotypical concepts of the North West of England. Now I've lived here all my life and I did not recognise most of what I saw. This movie shows us the dirtiest looking buildings, the most rundown areas, features the most insane bunch of characters ever and somehow they managed to find the most skanky, horrible looking food I've ever seen. If my fish & chips ever looked like the one Samuel Jackson is given, I'd throw it away as well, as for that breakfast.UGH!

So is it a bad movie. Well you'd think from the review so far that it is, but it is not, in fact it is very good. I was a bit put off by all of the above as I watched it, but the movie makes up for it in so many ways that I couldn't help but love it.

A kilt wearing Samuel L Jackson is a master chemist who, because of a mistake 30 years ago, works for a nasty drug lord, known as The Lizard (played by MeatLoaf) in California. Sick of being owned and used, Sam travels to Liverpool, England to make one last big deal before retiring. There he meets up with Robert Carlyle, an American hating thug, whose only job is to transport Sam to a meeting with a local drug dealer.

Sam plans to sell the formula to a super drug he's invented, called POS-51, but not all goes to plan as several rival gangs all want a piece of the action, as well as some corrupt police. Throw in a lethal, but beautiful looking Assassin (who sure does look like a young Demi Moore) and you have a tangled web of deceit, mayhem and lots of action.

If you can get past the Lock, Stock link and if you can get past the stereotypical imagery (I've seen a few bad reviews from when it was premiered in Liverpool and it seems the basis of all the negativity, is they do not like how their city was portrayed) then this is a very enjoyable movie. It's well acted, funny and full of action, including one scene that has Sam using a Golf club as a weapon, and believe me, if he fights like that with a light sabre in Episode 2, he's going to be awesome! Actually, according to various sources on the web, the current US release date for 51st State is 31st May 2002, so you will probable see him in action with a light sabre, before you see he wield a golf club!

Sure it reminded my of a Guy Ritchie movie, sure I didn't like to see my country's 'dirty laundry,' but from the very first minute, to the very last, I had a really good time, and how many movies can you say that about this year? My favorite scene, is one where Robert's character explains to Sam's character, what the English expression, `It's the Dog's Bollocks' actually means.
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