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dhallen
Reviews
Van Helsing (2004)
Two hours of watching someone else play a video game.
This was a very disappointing movie. So much unrealized potential. The sets and scenery were fantastic, a solid 10 out of 10, but the acting and screenplay were atrocious. Why does everyone in this movie have an accent? The Count sounds like Frau Blucher from Young Frankenstein. The female vampires, that spend way to much time flying around, sound just like Lorraine Newman and Jane Curtain when they did the SNL skits featuring the female equivalents of the Ackroyd/Martin "wild and crazy guys." Very distracting. The screenplay starts out loud and fast, like a trashcan falling down a flight of stairs, and the action never lets up. That is too bad. The dialogue is limited to thoughts eminating from the reptilian cortex...."Let's go over there." and "We must stop him." and other obvious and unnecessary bits of filler that add nothing to the non-existent story. Very sad. Great sets, pretty good special effects, but not much else.
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
Everything I enjoy in a movie....
This movie is great fun. I saw it with my 16-year-old daughter, and she said it was "okay." I suspect this is more of a guy's movie. There is a lot of hardware (robots, rockets, submarines, aircraft, dirgibles, etc.) that I enjoyed watching. I really wish I could wander around in the "world" created by this movie for a couple of days, just to watch the gears spin and propellers whirl! The plot is pretty basic...not sure I even really paid attention to it...but then so is the plot of most movies that are in it just for the fun. I was entertained by this movie from start to finish, which is more than I can say for 96 out of 100 movies I have seen. I was pleasantly surprised that it contained no cheap sexual humor, "adult" situations, harsh language, or even much violence. Good movie, good fun.
Alien (1979)
A classic film that withstands the test of time.
I watched this again recently as part of the Quadrilogy release. This was perhaps the first time all the way through since I missed it in the theaters (I was a newlywed and still in college...no money for movie tickets back then!). I am very impressed with how well this film has stood up over the years. The plot, while basic, does hold the attention of the audience. The acting is superb across the board and each of the actors makes the most out of the roles and clearly differentiates the characters. The special effects are very effective, even though they don't stack up to Star Wars or Close Encounters due to the film's limited budget. It is actually a very good thing that Ridley Scott did not attempt to make the same type of special-effects movie, since the plot, acting, and directing clearly carry the movie without it. In fact, this movie is much better than most movies that rely heavily on special effects, especially those cgi-heavy offerings such as The Hulk, The Matrix, and The Day After that offer nothing but special effects.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Very disappointing film, breaks no new ground.
From the first few seconds of the film, T3 trod the same old ground. Starting with the T's arriving in the "burning bubbles" and continuing on through the overly-long car chases until the dreary ending, this film was almost a clip show of scenes from T2. Worse yet, parts of it were even a parody of the earlier films...for example, the Elton-Johnesque sunglasses Arnold "borrows" from the male stripper. I was bored and dissatisfied with this movie and it came very close to besmirching the memory of the much better earlier films. The female T3 was predictable, and not nearly the shocker it was supposed to be. I think they should have tried an entirely new direction with this movie, but it falls flat and I rank it completely out of the same league as T2.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
The most beautiful girls meet the ugliest guys.
Simply a terrible, depressing movie. What really perplexes me is how the casting director manages to cast such beautiful women (Jennifer Jason Leigh, Phoebe Cates) against such ugly male actors. Brian Backer would be the ugliest guy in this movie except that he manages to appear with Richard Romanus, who looks like Barry Manilow and Desi Arnez had a child. I honestly can't stand to look at him. This movie is slow and shallow, and when it does set up a joke it takes forever and then pulls it off with all the energy and excitement of a Saltine cracker. FAST TIMES... has none of the heart of AMERICAN GRAFITTI, nor the slapstick of ANIMAL HOUSE. Rent and watch either of those and skip this dreary film.
Forbidden Daughters (1927)
Interesting use of the camera...filming naked women!
Yes, well, where do I start? Not exactly Tarzan Lord of the Apes. More like Betty Boop meets Little Black Sambo. The plot involves a search by the wife of a lost explorer to find her missing love. She is sidetracked when she stumbles upon an Indian (?) or Arab (?) Harem of Rubinesque, mostly nude and mostly dancing women, but escapes into the jungle (hey, Africa is Africa). After we are treated (?) to another long period of dancing, this time by native women, the lost explorer has to chose between his wife and the native princess. I won't spoil the surprise ending for you. This movie is interesting from an historical perspective and probably some liberal arts major could write a master's thesis on how it reflects the social structure of the era (before graduating and finding a dismal job in personnel or public relations) but who cares.
That Thing You Do! (1996)
Thinly-veiled but fun homage to the Fab Four.
The music alone is reason enough to watch (and re-watch) this movie. Beatles fans will enjoy the many allusions and parallels to the early days of the Fab Four. These include: 1) the One-ders first producer was an uncle whose experience is limited to recording church choirs -- Sir George Martin's forte was comedy before he began producing for the Beatles; 2) Tom Hanks, as the group's manager, stands off to the side wearing sunglasses, exactly like Brian Epstein can be seen doing in concert footage of the Beatles; 3) the group struggles with a name, as did the Quarreymen/Moondogs/Silver Beatles/Beatles; 4) the drummer's name is never revealed, a nod to Ringo Starr/Richard Starkey -- the luckiest drummer in Liverpool. There are many more....
Mercy (2000)
Not good. What was this about again?
Very slow, plodding movie with a confusing story line. The movie's only hope of keeping the audience interested is the gratuitous nudity thrown in at regular intervals. Ellen Barkin is miscast and her looks do not hold up when she is on screen with the much-younger Peta Wilson. Not sure what this movie was about.
Midway (1976)
An entertaining, reasonably accurate portrayal of a critical battle.
Many of the user comments deride this movie for its use of stock footage and edits from previous movies (Tora, Tora, Tora, for example). I think these miss the point. The version I watched on videotape includes a brief notice at the beginning that says that actual footage was used whenever possible (although this may have been added recently). Also, why not use footage from other similar movies? I am just grateful SOMEBODY made a movie about this important battle. Sure, it contains numerous visual errors, anachronisms and moments of historical "license", but give the producers of this film a break! It is a better movie than 9 out of 10 films Hollywood releases each year.
Windtalkers (2002)
A very disappointing film...watch Sands of Iwo Jima instead.
Why do Hollywood moviemakers bother to bring together respectable casts, viable storylines, and terrific costumes, and then proceed to make a ridiculous movie?
The story of the Navajo codetalkers deserves a better telling than this movie.
Like many war movies, the portrayal of combat is very poorly done. Anyone who has been in combat, or at least studied it, would find the combat scenes in this movie laughable. From the beginning scene, in which a Marine shoots a Japanese soldier who is hiding in the brush from a distance of about four feet, this movie does not portray a realistic impression of actual fighting (why didn't the Japanese soldier shoot first? he was HIDING in wait, for crying out loud).
There were way too many scenes of groups of both US Marines and Japanese soldiers running fully upright in groups of dozens or more in broad daylight, and of course being gunned down. In actuality, combat is a slow, meticulous, terrifying experience, wherein men reluctantly inch forward cautiously toward (or preferable around) the enemy, shooting at anything and everything. On Iwo Jima is sometimes took days to move forward a fraction of a mile.
Almost everyone that was shot flopped around waving his arms before he fell. Most people when they are shot simply fall down or, if they are already down, stop moving.
About 8,000 Japanese civilians took their lives on Saipan because they had been told by the Japanese authorities that the Americans would torture and brutalize them. It is highly unlikely that, as occurred in the scene with Cage, that a Japanese mother would allow her child to take medication from a US Marine.
How did Kahzee, dressed in a Japanese uniform and holding Enders "prisoner", make it from between the US and Japanese lines without being shot by the Americans? And when he gets there, and eventually gets to the Japanese radio, all he does is dial in the US frequency and speaks in plain, uncoded English to tell the artillery to stop firing on the Marines. If it were that easy, wouldn't the Japanese simply call up the Marines and tell them to stop firing? Wasn't the whole point of sending Kahzee that he spoke the Navajo code?
Why was the one Marine, who fed chocolate to the little girl, wearing the flamethrower in the village? A flamethrower weighs 75 pounds or more, and would only be worn when approaching or attacking enemy positions, not on a casual basis in a "secured" area.
Why did it take radio calls to order in naval gunfire and air strikes on obvious enemy positions? Most of the Japanese were in full view atop hills, and would have been bombarded for days prior to any assault by ground troops.
The special effect explosions in this movie for the most part were absurd. Hollywood special effects people need to put away the naptha -- grenades, bazookas, and even heavy artillery rounds do not produce rolling clouds of flame when they explode. The explosions are sharp and deadly, but visually often not very impressive.
I could go on and on. This movie was a poor war movie and only a fair movie otherwise. Rent the Sands of Iwo Jima or A Walk in the Sun instead.
Joan of Arc (1999)
Simply awful. Poorly written, overacted.
This movie ranks as one of the most disappointing films of all time.
Jovovich's acting was terrible. I grew to dislike her more every minute. The character she portrays is more psychotic than heroic. She comes across as someone who would suffer a nervous breakdown over a trip to the grocery store, not someone who could inspire an army.
The script was laughable. I don't understand why they didn't try to use more period language. I cringed at some of the lines ("Everything will be fine.")
Why stars like Dunaway and Hoffman would appear in this film is beyond me.
Planet of the Apes (2001)
Not as bad as I thought it was going to be....
I was very surprised by this film. I thought I would dislike it intensely, because that is how I feel about just about everything else that Tim Burton does (Beetlegeuse, Frankenweinie, Legend of Sleepy Hollow). However, it really wasn't that bad. That said, here is what I found lacking:
The plot. Pretty ho-hum. Man gets lost, man tries to get found.
The hero. Mark Wahlberg just doesn't cut it for me. He is fine as a supporting character, say, as a crewmember. But he doesn't carry this film. I never really cared about him as a person, and he never really did anything that could be called virtuous or admirable (except for the predictable scene where he saves the teenager as the apes attack). His character is shallow and wooden.
The make-up & costumes. Sometimes great, as in the gorilla generals and Gen. Thade. The female ape make-up was silly, and the pants suit that Helena Bonham Carter wore through the entire movie made her look like Carol Channing. Estella Warren looked like she had just robbed her costume from Raquel Welch on the set of One Million Years B.C. (although at least Raquel's role had some substance to it).
The stunts. More of that silly flying around stuff that seemed to get popular after Hidden Crouching Tiger or whatever it was called came out. Since when do gorillas fly through the air?
The ending. My 13-year-old daughter predicted it. And it doesn't even make sense.
The sets. Stolen from the Ewok Adventure, apparently.
What did I like? The pacing. It moved the movie right along and made it seem shorter than it really was.
Valentine (2001)
Slow, plodding, predictable.
WARNING: SPOILER BELOW
Although Denise Richards is pretty darn attractive, she can't carry this boring teen flick even up to her demise in the jacuzzi. Why this movie spends so much time on her and then kills her off at the end is about the only mystery this movie offers.
The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
Good old-fashioned action and intrigue. Bravo!
I thoroughly enjoyed this film. The characters were engaging, the acting was splendid, the scenery and costumes wonderful, and the story thrilling. This film has none of the earmarks of modern films that feel they have to portray even the hero as evil and leave you with an unhappy ending. This movie was straightforward entertainment and a good old-fashioned telling of a classic tale.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Not much here for the non-Tolkien reader
Visually very impressive, and well-acted. Liv Tyler is beautiful and I wish she was on-screen longer. But, as someone who has not read the book, I found the plot rather shallow and the characters too numerous and undeveloped. It felt like, even over three hours, the movie rushed along to get in everything that was described in the book. I will go see the next two movies, but I was not as enthralled with this movie as I had hoped.
Surviving Gilligan's Island: The Incredibly True Story of the Longest Three Hour Tour in History (2001)
Sweet, amusing reflection of one of the best shows on TV!
A sweet, wholesome, loving tribute to the show and stars. Surviving Gilligan's Island brought back a lot of fond memories. Having read some of the "behind the scenes" accounts by Sherwood Schwartz and the surviving cast members, I had heard many of the anecdotes before. Still, this was a wonderful reflection back on a great show.
Band of Brothers (2001)
Outstanding! Technically excellent, emotionally engrossing!
Tom Hanks has done it again. The first two episodes (Curahee and Day of Days) were engrossing and left me wanting more. The actors, mostly new or relatively unknown faces, were excellent. The feeling of the movie was definately accurate to the period. Good work Tom!
At the Earth's Core (1976)
A faithful rendition of an ERB classic
This movie suffers from some pretty mediocre special effects, but it is faithful to the book (mostly). Doug McClure is a passable hero and the girl (what's her name) is truly gorgeous. I recommend to any ERB fans.
Almost Famous (2000)
Shallow, plastic vision of the 1970's
I had heard many good things about this film, which probably contributed to my disappointment. I couldn't figure out what this movie was about. I couldn't empathize with any of the characters. The "Cameron Crowe" character spent the whole movie wandering around in wide-eyed wonderment and the character portrayed by Kate Hudson was ditzy and uninteresting. The band members (whatever it was called) were sleazoid dunces. I can't recommend this movie.
Gladiator (2000)
Not as good as SPARTACUS or BEN HUR.
I was disappointed by this film. At times I thought I was watching one of those Italian Hercules Steve Reeves films from 60's (the ones that say FINE at the end, but they really weren't that good ;). At other times I thought I was watching BRAVEHEART MEETS THE PATRIOT MEETS SPARTACUS. I was never really drawn in to the Russell Crowe character, in fact, I felt more sympathy for Comodius than Maximus.
While the slashing and chopping is entertaining in a sort of WCW way, it seemed contrived and obligatory. As a history lesson it ranks right next to MONTY PYTHON'S SEARCH FOR THE HOLY GRAIL.
If I had a choice between films along similar lines like SPARTACUS, BEN HUR, or GLADIATOR, I would definitely see one of the earlier films and skip GLADIATOR.
Cast Away (2000)
Exciting, bittersweet film with a clear message.
Tom Hanks will probably win an Oscar for his portrayal of Chuck Nolan. I was very impressed with this movie. I was expecting a remake of Robinson Crusoe, but this is more of a love story than an adventure (albeit a very bittersweet love story). The message, clearly stated by Hanks, is that you must carry on no matter what, because the sun will rise tomorrow, and you never know what the tide may bring.
U-571 (2000)
Entertaining if not historically accurate, sometimes cliche.
This is an enjoyable film if you can ignore the re-writing of history and the often unbelievable plot premise. To their credit, at the end credits the makers of this film honor those who were involved in the capture of the actual Enigma equipment and documentation. If you read carefully (my 17-year-old daughter did not) you will notice that it was a British destroyer in 1941 which captured the first Enigma machine, not an American submarine (most American subs operated in the Pacific theater, I believe).
Also, the idea of using a regular submarine crew as a boarding party, rather than specially-trained troops (or even convential US Marines) was a real stretch, as was the speed at which they figured out how to operate the German U571.
If you are a fan of this genre, you may find some of the plot elements are a bit old hat (sitting out the depth charges, diving to a depth the sub supposedly cannot tolerate, etc.).
Altogether, though, I enjoyed the fast pacing, the special effects and direction, and especially the acting (although the normally-animated Bill Paxton was a bit wooden in his portayal).
Recommendation: see it, but don't believe it.
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
A disappointing adaptation.
I hadn't heard much about this movie before seeing it so I was hoping it would be a period murder mystery. I was disappointed when the first overtly supernatural content surfaced. After that it became just another monster movie.
The music during some parts of the movie was very annoying -- I kept thinking someone had turned up a stereo in another room of my house.
I found the Ninja-style twirling of the weapons silly. The costume warn by the horseman, who was supposedly a Hessian mercenary, bore no resemblence to any uniform worn by Hessians, mounted or not, during the American Revolution.
Depp's character seemed to vacilate from inept and bumbling one moment to bold and capable the next. There was no character development, he just fluctuated between Indiana Jones and Inspector Clouseau.
The plot was confusing, too. There were too many characters and way to much needless bloodshed.
The Hot Spot (1990)
A truly awful movie. Film noir? More like film not.
I tried to like this movie, but I couldn't. Like a stalled car, this movie kept turning over but never seemed to catch. Don Johnson's performance was as wooden as I have seen. Virginia Madsen valiantly struggled to inject some heart into this movie but her efforts were wasted. Jennifer Connelly was gorgeous but that is about all. Minor character casting was poor, and the premise that the Jerry-Reed-wanabe (Sutton) was a photographer...come on!
The directing (Dennis Hopper) was good enough but the editor apparently had a rule that no scene could last more than five seconds.
The Patriot (2000)
Braveheart 1776
Take your wife if you go. I did, and she enjoyed it more than she thought she would. However, I enjoyed it less than I thought I would. I enjoyed the battle scenes and as far as I know they seemed pretty realistic (except for the silly hand-to-hand fight near the end). I didn't think the story had much new to offer -- basically the movie was a combination of SHENANDOAH (with Jimmy Stewart) and BRAVEHEART with a little bit of STAR WARS thrown in (when the girl gave the little patriotism speech in the church I leaned over to Cindy and said "Help me, Obi Wan Kanobi..."). Overall, I would have preferred a little less of Mel Gibson and his personal issues and a little more of the American history.