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Reviews
Nuda per Satana (1974)
Kill Me Dingus!
My husband thought it would be fun to watch a bad Halloween-type movie with some unsuspecting friends. After all, we got the DVD on our honeymoon. To Walt Disney World, no less.
But fun? Oh, dear.
Four of us were begging to be put out of our misery.
As the movie began, the first lines were in English, on the Italian language track. Thinking, "Okay, it's on the English track" we were fine. Then everyone started speaking in Italian.
Why were the first lines in English???
Unfortunately, it went downhill.
Yes, there was nudity, as the title would suggest. Yes, there was "sex", as you would imagine would happen when there is nudity. However, they seemed to be afraid of using their tongues, which really takes away from the believability of the "sex".
The movie itself was slightly less painful than gouging your eyes out with a rusty spoon, but only because of the Butler, who resembled George Washington. Occasionally he would appear in the movie and laugh at you for watching, when he wasn't whipping the required lesbian maid. As the movie pressed on, we stopped cheering for the "hero" (not that we had started), and started cheering whenever Washington made his appearance. When he wasn't on screen, we asked "Where's Washington?"
If you like Italian cinema (we don't), I hear you'll like this. If you like MST3K (we do), you'll be able to tolerate it. If you don't like either, but like torturing yourself, by all means, pick up this movie!
Road House (1989)
I thought you'd be...bigger.
Probably not the best movie in our collection, but certainly one of the most watched. Truth to be told, it's about as campy as Showgirls.
Patrick Swayze plays the "best damn cooler in the biz". (Well, actually Wade Garrett is the best, but he's getting old.) This philosophy-major-turned-bouncer is hired to clean out the Double Deuce, the kind of place where they sweep up the eyeballs after closing.
While whipping his rag-tag group of bouncers into shape, Pat crosses the path of Ben Gazarra, the evilest man in Jasper. He's bringing the JC Penney! He is also the only character who realizes what a horrible, horrible movie this is (much like Gina Gershon in Showgirls), and is possibly drunk the entire movie.
Anywho, there's bar fights, brief nudity (and not just female!), and some of the most awkward fights in the history of cinema, all featuring Pat prominently. And such writing! Only in this movie would the blind man say, "It's good to see you!"
Best part of the movie, by far, is Wade Garrett. Man, he is the sexiest cooler in the biz, even if he is getting old, and limping. He appears just when the viewer loses interest in the movie, and we spend the rest of the time waiting for him to reappear. Yay!
Oh, and as I still have yet to see Top Gun, I must name this the gayest movie ever. I'm guessing everyone was supposed to be sizing everyone else out for a fight, but it just ends up looking like they're checking out each other's rear ends. Which leads to the obvious comment: I thought you'd be...bigger.