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todbrowning2000
Reviews
Bubble (2005)
Decisions, decisions...
A really good movie makes you think. However, while BUBBLE certainly made me think, I'm not sure if it's good or not. The story is simple, direct, and void of shock or surprise. The strength of the film lies in the believability of the actors, the atmosphere (creepy doll factory...'nuff said), and the simplicity of the cinematography. I suppose the fact that I still have it on my mind several days after watching it should be a vote in it's favor, but what bothers me is that it didn't make me question anything nor did it present a challenge to me as a viewer. Instead, the indecision over the movie was simply...did I like it?
I just don't know. Hence my middle-of-the-road vote.
Lake Placid 2 (2007)
More crocs, less filling
I went into watching LAKE PLACID 2 with bargain basement expectations and got what I paid for...literally and figuratively. This sequel waters down (no pun intended) all of the merits of the original and ups the ante (more crocs, bigger body count), but ultimately it accomplishes nothing more than seeming like a back yard remake. Every character from the original is represented here with a pale substitute. What really bothered me about the movie was that each characters demise was met with a creepy indifference. Even if I'm watching a cheesy flick with giant crocodiles ripping people apart, a little humanity goes a long way. Another sore point was the CGI. I know this is low-budget and all, but if your movie is about killer crocs, it helps if they don't look like they just stepped out of a PC game.
It's not a completely rancid movie and would serve as an okay diversion if you can't find anything else to watch, but if you've seen the first LAKE PLACID, there's really no point in seeing this one.
Blackwater Valley Exorcism (2006)
Was this SUPPOSED to be funny? *POSSIBLE SPOILERS*
While watching BLACKWATER VALLEY EXORCISM, I encountered scenarios and dialog so incredibly bad that I was convinced that this was supposed to be a comedy. A few choice bits of dialog worthy of a belly laugh: "I ate a rabbit." "I TOLD you she was possessed!" "Are you telling me the Devil is in my daughter?!"
There are many, many more, but you must discover these for yourself - if you dare.
The story goes off into all sorts of directions and things happen that probably shouldn't and everyone seems to be a perv or psycho of some sort (even the Priest). And I haven't even gotten to the bad acting. Most notable in this area is the fellow playing Isabelle's father. The director must have just told him to act like he's got a stick up his @$$ because that's the general impression one gets.
I don't really want to steer anyone away from BLACKWATER VALLEY EXORCISM because there is entertainment value to be had...for all the wrong reasons, but if you're looking for a decent horror movie that makes sense and is actually scary...well, run don't walk.
The St. Francisville Experiment (2000)
Hardly the worst movie ever...pretty dang good, actually!
I went into this with absolutely no expectations and I was pleasantly surprised. ST FRANCISVILLE drew me in in spite of some bad acting and annoying characters. I was just shy of hitting the STOP button several times, but I decided to stick with it and I'm glad I did. Sure, it's a rip off (but what movie isn't these days?). At least they boldly acknowledge this when one of the characters asks, "Did you see BLAIR WITCH?" Yes, we did. And so did you, apparently.
If you're a fan of any of the myriad of paranormal shows like GHOST HUNTERS or SCARIEST PLACES ON EARTH, this movie might give you a thrill and a chill. I jumped a few times and found myself muttering, "Please don't open that door..." several times out loud.
A lot of folks seem to hate this flick, but I say give it a go!
Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove (2005)
The people who made this hate us AND the horror genre
I'll just cut to the chase. Instead of renting/buying this movie, take a few bucks out of your wallet, throw the money in the toilet and take a big ole dump on top of it. Flush.
There. Same difference.
Of course, THE ASYLUM has produced little watchable product so it comes as no big surprise, but this one is worse than usual. It looks like it was filmed as quickly as possible with absolutely no regard for logic, style or even entertainment. There's some gratuitous female nudity thrown in no doubt designed to try and draw your attention away from the fact that this is nothing but a steaming pile of cinematic poo. I'll be hardpressed to try anything else from these people. Avoid at all costs.
Frankenstein Reborn (2005)
How Not To Make A Monster...or a movie for that matter.
I bought FRANKENSTEIN REBORN based on how much I liked THE BEAST OF BRAY ROAD. Yikes. Was I snowed...! While the same people were involved with both movies, we end up with very different results. I knew I was in trouble when two of Dr. Franky's nurses get into some heavy lesbian action while he works on a little freebasing. The kinky take on the Frankenstein mythos worked for ROCKY HORROR, but that was an over-the-top send up. Here, it's just a tired and way-too-obvious tacked-on bit of raunch. Overall, I was seriously disappointed, but then again, I usually am with most releases from The Asylum.
This movie seems to have it's champions, so I won't say not to see it, but proceed with caution. Watch it for free if you can.
Black Christmas (2006)
The most wonderful time of the year (but not if you see this movie)
Why? Why would you take a classic horror film and reduce it to cookie-cutter slasher pablum? Apparently, the goal of this remake was to take everything good and unique about the 1974 version and RIP IT OUT by the roots (kind of like Billy and his newfound interest in eyeballs...WTF?). The strength of the original was the fact that we didn't know who the hell it was lurking in the attic. In the new version, we not only know who it is, we know his entire life story (a perverse combination of PSYCHO and THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS). Big mistake. Let's just kill all the mystery from the get-go and we can spoonfeed the audience from here on out because they're brainless cattle who don't deserve anything even remotely intelligent. I was hoping that there were going to be some protesters at the theater when I went so I could inwardly ridicule them. Nope, not a one. Once I left the theater, I was still wishing they'd been there so I could JOIN them, but for entirely different reasons.
Imagine, if you will, for just a moment, that the new Texas CHAINSAW, AMITYVILLE HORROR, BLACK Christmas, etc. weren't remakes but originals. 10, 20, 30 years from now, would we be looking at them with the same reverence we afford the originals now? Doubtful. The scariest thing about these remakes isn't that they're horror movies, but that there are many, many more on the horizon. And the movie industry wonders why attendance and theater revenue is down... Two words, Hollywood. E. Nuff.
Day of the Panther (1988)
And an hour later, you're still laughing...
Comedy GOLD. I don't want to give any false notions by assigning a higher rating because this movie is truly bad. But it's bad in a good way! A few Dare-You-Not-To-Laugh moments: 1) When the guy in the pig mask shows up. 2) When the female lead does her little dance in front our hero while he works out. 3) The fight in the parking garage where the hero takes out a whole group of guys with what looks like a plastic broom handle.
Rest assured there are plenty more moments of unintentional hilarity, but these you must discover for yourself. The only thing more hilarious is the fact that there is apparently a sequel. I'll have to track that one down. Bad movie fans rejoice!
Ôdishon (1999)
If you thought FATAL ATTRACTION was bad...
AUDITION is a movie that builds slowly and even comes across as somewhat comedic early on. Don't be fooled. This is one movie that's hard to shake. Here I am still thinking about it the next day and I'm as uncomfortable as when I was watching the dang thing. You know things are gonna get odd from the get-go. I mean, it's an Asian horror movie and they have bizarre down pat, but I never saw things getting to the point that they did. I'll just say that the last 15 minutes are painful. You will feel it. Every...last...little...bit. Not for the squeamish. Those who think that they have iron stomachs may change their minds quickly. I've seen some of the most disgusting horror movies ever made, and I was trying not to look away. Maybe I should have.
Nah.
It Waits (2005)
It Sucks
Pardon my adolescent summary, but it's accurate. I promise. This movie is only marginally watchable. I was completely unconvinced by the female lead who looks like a Playmate stuffed into a forest ranger's uniform (oh, and she's supposed to be a former Marine, too...I actually giggled when she said that). Obviously, Richard Christian Matheson and Thomas E. Szollosi have seen JEEPERS CREEPERS. Hmmm, let's see...a mysterious creature that can regenerate, has wings, and is seriously intelligent enough to mess with it's victims minds before killing them...? Yeah, okay. Movie rip-offs are only par for the course (especially in the horror genre), and I really don't mind someone else's idea expanded on, so to speak, but when your goal is no better than taking someone else's idea and regressing it to the same old, please don't bother. There's nothing new here, folks.