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Apocalypto (2006)
2/10
gratuitous violence + ridiculously implausible storyline = bad movie
3 September 2007
Warning: Spoilers
After Mel Gibson's "The Massacre of the Jew" came out I heard claims that he was a sadist masquerading as a screenwriter. Since I didn't take Massacre of the Jew seriously (it is, after all, the story of the killing of an alleged god - a myth like any Greek or Roman one), I didn't think Gibson really could be a sadist. Then I saw Apocalypto and realized the shoe fits - Gibson is a sadist.

Apocalypto is the story of the ravaging of a small community of Native Americans by a larger community with the intent of appeasing the gods who have caused a plague in the land. One of those Native Americans escapes and takes a little vengeance, saving his wife and children in the process.

Returning to the sadist idea for a minute, I think Apocalypto is a metaphor for Mel Gibson's struggle with sadism - he is sacrificing people, talent, and money to a ridiculous god - his thirst to see people suffer. In that sense, I truly hope that Apocalypto is Gibson's crowning achievement and he can move on to make movies with good stories.

So, why do I hate this movie so? While it may have been the case that stuff like what is depicted in this movie happened (and, unfortunately, may continue to happen in parts of the world), I see no reason to glorify it. A band of slave hunters enters a village and massacres the people, taking all the fit ones to sale in the nearby city. In the process all of the slave hunters are depicted as evil, while all the villagers are good (typical black/white thinking, which is simplistic and naive). What's more, the main plot about the hero escaping to save his wife gets ridiculous beyond ridiculous when she gives birth in a flooding sinkhole with her 2 year-old son on her shoulders and catches the newborn baby with one hand while up to her neck in water. I kid you not.

In short, gratuitous violence + ridiculously implausible storyline = bad movie. I actually began laughing 2/3 of the way through and couldn't stop it was so stupid. Gibson needs to satiate his sadism and get on with his life.
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1/10
unbelievably bad
20 May 2007
For some reason I thought going into this that this was a new mini-series on SciFi for Katee Sackholm since Battlestar is supposedly closing up shop after the next season. I probably don't need to tell you that I was wrong, but boy am I glad I was. This was such a terrible movie on so many levels.

First, there is absolutely no character development - None! Seriously! And, of course, that doesn't keep the two main characters from having sex, 'cause, well, that's what a guy and a girl in a super low budget awful film do.

Add to the lack of character development the completely re-hashed plot idea (robots take over the world - Terminator, The Matrix, and hundreds of other films) and the unbelievably undeveloped story line and you get a terrible, terrible film.

As I was watching it I kept looking to my wife and saying, "And this is what happens when you shoot a movie without an actual script. You see, you just set up a whole bunch of fight sequences and then say action and film." I've never been in the military and I could have given the film more realistic guidance on how soldiers behave in war.

Rarely do I sit and hope for a film to end, but I did with this one. Sci-Fi should funnel its money into the programs it cares about - its series, not these ridiculous, written-by-monkeys, movies.
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1/10
Awful, awful, awful!!!!
30 January 2007
I don't know what possessed me to watch this movie. It is definitely not marketed honestly. It gives the impression that it is some form of cutting edge comedy. It's not. It's a white supremacist recruitment video made by a bunch of idiots with a home video camera. The picture quality, amazingly, isn't too bad. But the sound quality is terrible. The acting - Wow! If you filmed an anthill and then did voice-overs for the ants, they would be more convincing actors. I think there was supposed to be a plot, but I couldn't tell what it was. Mostly all I saw and heard was bigotry, prejudice, discrimination, and chauvinism.

There is a good deal of gratuitous nudity and sex - and it really is gratuitous and completely tangential to the story. Maybe they knew they couldn't sell the movie otherwise. I can't imagine how low the self-esteem of the women who participated in these scenes must have been to agree to this debasement. And that's coming from someone who has no problem with erotic and pornographic films generally. These women, however, are participating in a bigoted, piece of crap movie and probably for free. Wow! And, no, my negative review isn't an issue of me being politically correct or not. I can laugh at stuff that is humorous but not politically correct (e.g., Carlos Mencia or Lisa Lampinelli). This is intentionally and unabashedly offensive. There is a difference...

If you happen to find a copy of this movie somewhere, do yourself and the world a favor and burn it. It really is that bad.
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