Change Your Image
Snuh McSnort
Reviews
Urban Flesh (1999)
an ultra-cheesy schlockfest made by children with no directorial vision
i can't even begin to point out all of the flaws with this SOV tripe. but if i have to start somewhere: primarily, it's not entertaining, which renders void the need to waste 90 minutes suffering through it.
the story is...well, there is no story. the plot is: some cannibals go around the city torturing and eating people, while some toehead cop - who must have been one of the crews' dad - tries to find them. nice.
the acting is stiffer than straight vodka, the fx are - understandably, due to the video's pedigree - amateur, the editing was pathetic. to cover up for terrible shooting, there are entire sequences that are dissolved. either that or it was a pathetic attempt at a montage, which begs the question: why the hell is there a montage there? style? absolutely not. how can i be so certain? because the rest of the video is so pathetic, how could a conscious effort at directorial flourish suddenly manifest itself inexplicably?
the opening sequence lasts about 5 minutes too long, and i think it's about 5 minutes and 30 seconds. it involves 2 girls sitting in a extremely poorly lit bar, while the camera remains at a nice wide shot, so as to further obscure anything that might have been seen if the camera and lights were closer to the subject. and it just drags on like that. why? obviously to pad out the running time and cover the fact that you're actually watching an extremely amateur sov waste of time and videotape. i wouldn't be surprised if it had been shot on vhs-c.
i know i'm avoiding the ultimate point of this video, which is to shock and revolt, but my point is: it is totally without any merit. the guinea pig series is at least shot well, and fairly convincingly, by obvious semi-pro shooters and directors who has a keen eye for real brutality.
another glimpse into the genius of this video are the intertitles which pop up annoyingly and pretentiously every few minutes, with witty quotes from such staples of the MENSA community as marilyn manson, and razor (not the wrestler, the crap-rock band).
as a canadian, it makes me terribly angry to see that useless, talentless, mindless garbage like this is coming out of canada, as it will no doubt reflect on our country negitively to any foreigner that views it.
on behalf of my country, i sincerely apologize, and hope this word of caution will stave you from certain ennui.
Kull the Conqueror (1997)
pathetic tripe which can't even be appreciated as camp.
the acting is atrocious, which is fine. the story is a rehash of every barbarian flick ever inspired by r. howard: fine. the real problem is huge holes in the story, uninvolving characters, boring 'action' sequences and an absolutely pathetic retro 80's glam rock score, which would be fine if the movie was kitsche, or could be appreciated as camp. camp would entail some sort of emotional responce to the film: i.e. that was so bad it was funny! this is just pure drivel. as the previous reviewer indicated, this is a boring movie, which is the cardinal crime of narrative filmmaking. the opening sequence looks like a rip-off of the video for 'rock you', by the london ontario based crap-rock 80's band Helix. niiiiiiiiice.
If on a Winter's Night (1999)
Some Funky Stuff Going On Here!!!!!
now it could be the fact that i'm the director that makes me love this flick, or it could be the fact that it has won some awards (beleive it or not), but you should seek it out. my buddy mike is in it, if you click on his name you can see that he has some big movie credits now: he's the local boy makes good, i guess to make up for the fact that he was so very bad as a teen. my buddy darren is a world reknown musician who did the music for this, his band name is funk 198, and he's freakin' solid. check out his stuff on napster, or, if this info hasn't been updated and napster no longer exists, either buy it, or go to the napster equivalent that exists in whatever year you're reading this.