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Reviews
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
there's a good movie in there somewhere!
(mild spoilers)
"the fellowship of the ring" has the unique quality of being both magnificent and unwatchable. every scene is filled with intense acting and an intriguing storyline, every frame filled with beautifully crafted scenery and perfectly designed characters. however, the film suffers from the same fate as a heroin addict: OVERDOSE. why do you think beautiful movie stars get divorces? because they get tired of seeing each others' perfect bodies all the time. thats how i felt by the middle of lord of the rings. i wanted to kill myself because i had seen way too much perfect crap. it was blinding and unbearable.
it seems obvious that this movie should have been cut in half; the first part being frodo's journey from the shire to the forming of the fellowship, the second being the journey from that point until the end. as it stands, the movie runs similarly to how "roots" would if it was condensed into 3 hours. the pace repeatedly shifts back and forth from "waiting for godot" to an episode of the teenage mutant ninja turtles. it's enough to make me nauseous, which it did. also, the music at the end sounds like that stupid song from "titanic."
"lord of the rings" left me jaded and annoyed. there's a good movie in there somewhere, but its virtually impossible to appreciate anything about it while being constantly bombarded with rapid scene changes and special effects. 5/10
Almost Famous (2000)
me no likey
the scenes showing the characters having spontaneous fun are awkward and contrived, kate hudson's character is cheesy and tiresomely "mysterious", and the ridiculous relationship between the band and patrick fugit's charachter is transparent and silly. and that sentimental scene when they're all singing on the bus makes me wanna die.
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
insult to zombie films.
george romero's zombie trilogy was a landmark in the horror film world not only because of the realistic and gory special effects, but because they actually had a stories with purpose and depth. they were (and still are) some of the only horror movies in existence with intelligence and class. i always have felt insulted when crappy horror flicks try to steal some of romero's integrity by including the generic "living dead" phrase in the title. children of the living dead is by far the worst insult to the zombie genre ever. bad acting, stupid plot, cheesy action-movie influence, no purpose. even savini's gore was by far inferior to his past work. this movie just sucks.
The Way of the Gun (2000)
soap opera with guns
this movie is terrible. 80% of the movie's content could be completely removed without harming the (lame) story at all; the middle portion was just a bad soap opera with pointless plot twists and dull conversations between undeveloped characters nobody cares about at all. i've heard this movie was intended as a satire of crime/thrillers, but even on that level it sucks. you will get nothing out of watching this film, i assure you.
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
cash cow
the advent of computer animation gives the filmmaker a new power in telling his story. by combining the realism of live action and the fantasy of animation, movies now have the potential to become vivid dreams, showing audiences what they never imagined possible. unfortunately, "final fantasy: the spirits within" does not take advantage of the strength of its medium. the CG is impressive, but not any more than in any other video game released in the past couple of years. besides, all the fancy visuals have to offer is a mutant cousin of starship troopers, armageddon and mission to mars (all of which are equally terrible films).
what this movie has is a myriad of cliche conflicts ("leave me here," "your methods are unorthodox," etc) thrown together with the signature 90s action/drama comic "relief." steve buscemi does not belong in action movies. it is a shame that square has to sell out and slap its successful liscenses on all the garbage they release.
Making Real Funny Home Videos (1990)
sad
Created during the early 90s funny-home-videos craze, this depressing short Joe Flaherty how-to film will be sure to make you cringe with empathy for the poor man. Please, someone save Joe Flaherty from this terrible demise!
The Mexican (2001)
Lame.
Here is what you will see in this film:
Julia Roberts "romantic-comedy" signature psychoanalytical babble. Boring "touching" scenes featuring a fat homosexual trying to show off how much like everyone else he is. Brad Pitt trying to be whimiscally funny by cluelessly running around Mexico looking for a gun.
The ulterior motives of this movie are obvious, and while benevolent and sincere, they only come across as being extremely boring and lame. Do not be fooled by the cool-sounding title like I was!
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Massacre of the original
Some argue that this film does what the original "intended" to do. Personally, I think this could be possible. In that case, I will go on believing that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was an unintentional masterpiece - the product of serendipity.
While TCM 2 may be a "hilarious" black-comedy film, it should have never been given the title of a TCM sequel. The crazy family have all been re-cast, and the characters themselves are completely different. "Leatherface," who is now verbally referred to as that, has a soft side and a conscience. "Chop-top" is now a full-blown hippie Vietnam veteran. The hero of the film is a chainsaw-toting cowboy named "Lefty," who spends most of his screen time sputtering quotes from the bible as he flails about. Overall, the film turned out to be more of a hackneyed drama/action hybrid like Speed or True Lies than a realism-driven horror film like it's predecessor. This movie is what a TCM Saturday morning cartoon would've been like.