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eman45985-1
Reviews
Pulse (2006)
Well at least the female characters look good...
So my friend Pat calls me up at work to see if I want to go see a movie with his brother Sean and him after I get off my shift. If I could do it over again I would not have picked up the phone. Instead, I might have actually stayed at work overnight. This is because I was asked to go see the new horror movie 'Pulse". I hated this movie with the fiery kind of hate that only burns in the souls of Stalin and that dude form Korea. The general idea of the movie is as follows: college kids release super computer virus that unleashes ghosts on unsuspecting wifi users. And then *SPOILER* everyone dies. I have to use the phrase "general idea' because I feel that the word "plot" just doesn't apply here. Put it this way, if I were to use the word "plot" then I would also have to say that this movie has plot holes that would lead to China. Now that that's out of the way, let's get into some of the characters. We have the white chick, the ethnic chick, the Latin guy, some other guy, and some dude that has all the makings of the next Ashton Kutcher, only minus the talent because this guy makes Ashton look like Jack Nicholson. This is all I need to say about the characters because they all act like the dead things that they are constantly trying to get away from. I know I said I would not go into the general idea again but I will anyway because there are still certain aspects of the general idea are so not worth talking about that they fall through one of those plot holes to China and come out on the other side worth talking about again. So, first off the virus is contracted when a black background with white lettering appears on the screen. The letters say, "Do you want to see a ghost?" Every character in the whole movie is shown clicking on the letters to indicate an answer of yes. Now, at what point am I to believe that every person that this happens to would want to see a ghost. I know that this may be a hard offer to pass up, but I would guess that at least one of these characters would say, "You know what? I think that this looks an awful lot like a virus so, no, I would not like to see a ghost. They're way too scary anyway." All right guys, that is all I can really say about the general idea, as the aspects of the general idea fell back into one of the plot holes and they ended up not worth talking about again. In the end, this movie ripped off so many other movies that I can't even count. These movies include: "Resident Evil" and "Fear.com." Think about that for a millisecond, they ripped off "Fear.com." Wow; I haven't even seen "Fear.com" but
wow. "Resident Evil" sucked too. Enough said. As Joel Siegel would say, "Someone call a crash cart because this "Pulse" doesn't have one."
Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)
What not to view after just finishing a good movie.
So me and my friend are carousing our local movie rental store and are looking for something to pick up to go along with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, so why not pick up the third installment in the Scarecrow series!?! Keep in mind that this is not just Scarecrow Three; this is, Scarecrow: Gone Wild. Now both of us had seen to the first two Scarecrows so we felt obligated to finish the job. Let's start with the cover of the DVD first. First we notice a picture of Ken Shamrock ("The World's Most Dangerous Man") on the cover. Apparently he was used to market the movie as the "lead actor". By the way, he has the least screen time of any member of the credited class. Next we notice a picture of a very attractive and very scantily clad woman in the middle ground of the cover. I can assure you that she is not in the movie....at all. At the time of rental we assumed that this was to reiterate the fact that the scarecrow was "going wild". In the background we noticed a large carnival on an island out in the ocean. I can also assure you that the carnival is also not in the movie...at all. Looking back me and my friend should have known something was up. I mean really, who the heck puts a carnival on an island. Now on to the actual movie. We start when a young man is inexplicably fused to a scarecrow in the middle of a corn field. Don't ask me how they were fused but think of when Brandon Lee waking up from the dead in The Crow. It's just that stupid. But in the scarecrow's defense, he has "gone wild". Anyhoo, the scarecrow, who now lives vicariously through the young man, takes a trip to his local beach to brutalize those who had done him wrong. Because yes, in the world of The Scarecrow, beaches are conveniently located in the same general vicinity as cornfields. To make a long story short the scarecrow kills all who stand in his path without any warning except for the scarecrow's trademark whistle that signals a slashing. This is however rather impossible to believe because the scarecrow's costume's mouth is clearly sewn shut. Several tracking shots that would make Kubrick roll over in his grave later, and we have one of the worst third installments in a series ever. Well except for maybe the third Matrix. As Joel Siegel would say, "This Scarecrow is wildly bad."