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3/10
Do you like science fiction movies? So does Zack, here are some highlights
22 December 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Zack has provided here all the parts of a movie, especially one in the format of Seven Samurai. Each individual scene is laid out, often filled with talent and set design. Where we get into problems is that we have no mortar between each of these blocks. A Star Wars cantina scene here, a Wild West horse breaking scene there... but they don't link to each other beyond our heroine being in both.

Perhaps more damning is each block is shot in such a way that suggests Zack didn't really get why the original was so good. The Star Wars cantina scene, for example, as each odd or unusual character given a 2/3rd mid scene framed shot of it, rather than just being allowed to be something weird in the background. We weren't limited to only characters that would be important to the scene either, but rather a sort of showcase of 'isn't this imaginative?' Which defeated the purpose of how unusual these things are. Especially as the variety of life shown in one bar on one planet outstrips all the variation in the rest of the movie.

Every character has been pulled from a different movie, they don't really have reasons to work with each other beyond revenge against X part of Y.. so why not fight Y.

You can taste the different movies when their scene is up. Our villain is inspired by Dune and has a scene stolen from that cutting room floor. The technology is wildly varied between locations, which doesn't practical for industrialized mass produced items inside a galactic struggle, but would be totally at home in a lot of tabletop RPGs.

Which is I think the source of much of my frustration with this movie. If it was a tabletop game the players would have done so much better to have a session zero where they talked about character history and wove themselves a shared motivation. The storm trooper aim is a staple of science fiction, the laser swords are better then a gun ditto... but the mashup of different elements of different movies feels like a player group and not the work of a single narrative. Disjointed and as it knows it's a part one so much gets left unresolved.

All over 10,000 bushels of food. Roughly ten semitruck trailers worth. Most of a whole agricultural moons worth according to this tale.
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We Can Be Heroes (II) (2020)
2/10
By the dark stealing ideas from better sources, let this horror Live!!
4 August 2022
My seven year old daughter liked it.

My brain felt like it was getting drilled out through every since sense. The acting, camera work, dialogue, plot... all of it lazy as if it didn't matter because this was a kids movie.

If you want a better story about the kids of super heroes read the original idea of PS238 by Aaron Williams. It's been copied a couple of times now but damn is one is one of the worst.
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Moonfall (2022)
1/10
I honestly started this thing thinking it was a companion piece to 'Don't look up.'
21 April 2022
The first act was structured to be almost directly mirrored to 'Don't Look Up.' We meet the heroes and they are All American! The astronaut that isn't going to lie for 'the man,' a conspiracy theorist who is 100% correct about all the things he believes and the conservative values Mom who fights for her Kid! And mirroring the heroes from the left (a professor, a scientist and an intern) we do have quite a contrast.

But then it got more Uber Americana with every passing scene. To the point that even Shane Black would be telling them to dial it back a notch.

The second act has the science start to be aggressively - not just stupid action movie bad but aggressively- bad. In the whole 'shut up egghead, if I want there to be a white dwarf there's a white dwarf.' The whole third act has a twist that just threw me right off the deep end and into loathing this movie. To the point I am going to look up the writer/director to actively avoid their work in the future.

It is bad and you should avoid this to save your brain cells.
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The Rescuers (1977)
2/10
Oophf. They sure shouldn't make them like this anymore.
12 December 2021
I love animation, being a student of the same. This movie uses a certain style of animation where the key frames often have uncleaned up underdrawings showing so the inbetweeners can copy the shapes more efficiently. I am not such a fan of that style choice, but it also isn't the biggest weakness of this tale.

What really got to me is how the two heroic mouse are Bad characters. Bad characters in that Bob hope is a waffle, going from coward to brave and back again as manipulated by social expectations and the beautiful mouse. It isn't even played for laughs or at least the timing is off for a modern audience. It's Bob hope doing the cowardly Bob hope character.

And the female mouse is attractive and brave and that's it. She doesn't actually Do anything. She has no agency beyond giving our male character a reason to be brave. She could be replaced with a motivational poster and not change anything. Or even just a picture frame in a house as done in Up. Not an independent character but rather part of Bob Hopes.

It's dated, way to causal with abuse to the kids, not active enough at parts and way to willing to slow down for others. Coming to a thunk for a song over still images.

I honestly suspect that this one will get tucked into the Disney vault eventually and never allowed out and it shall not be missed.
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Voir (2021)
5/10
Old essays for some reason brought to different levels of life
10 December 2021
I would be prepared to say that most of these essays were written 20 years ago as they all _feel_ like ones I read as film studies student.

That is part of the problem with them, they all also Feel old, for all that some pull clips from more recent material. They aren't bad as per say, but it really felt like listening to a older person wax poetically about their childhood memories.

Or animation design theory in one case. But that one covers in 20 minutes what takes up chapters in design theory books. It's not a bad brief look but...

I guess that's why I am going to rate this a five. It's not bad but if you are passionate about any of the subjects nothing new will be found here. And if you are curious these are very light easy to fall asleep to.
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The Hardy Boys (2020–2023)
2/10
Do you like stranger things? Because we cloned it and named it Frank and Joe
7 September 2021
I am way too old for this. I actually made a bet with my father that I could map out the beats of the last twenty minutes of the final episode without having watched the rest of the show.

I got 85% correct, 100 if season two gets written and uses the same mcguffin.

This is a plot out the season, write the moments to the scriptwriting 101 playbook and slap on the name labels you got in your IP box. Doesn't matter if the characters line up with the books or not, we have stranger things to clone!

So unlikely tepid teen romance, check.

'Cute kids' being kids because it eats up time, check.

(The kid is 16 pretending to be 12 or something) Magical mystery so you don't have worry about how they solve it? Check.

During my watch of the show I couldn't unsee the boardroom around which it was all being laid out, the sausage is made out in front of you.
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Jiu Jitsu (2020)
1/10
Wow. You know those movie mashups you thought about before you were a teen? Better than this.
29 August 2021
I found myself literally screaming at my TV 'Learn how to Cinema!' as had a POV shot to hide how poor the main character is at martial arts transition into a worms eye video of the fight by having the camera take a hit and then the main character Steps into frame. So he wasn't the POV? That's not how that works. Then they do it Three times in that fight scene.

I got some enjoyment looking for all the camera tricks they were trying to hide how our main character isn't as fast or athletic as Tony Jaa or most of the extras. Pulling frames out of his punches to make them look faster (it's also why it's so jerky at points) framing and editing... but the plot of the movie is a mess, the acting bad in a not even Cage can save the scenes he's in way.

Not so bad it's good either, as it doesn't ever seem to embrace how camp it could be.
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1/10
Don't fall for the trolls, this one is such a stinker you must avoid it.
11 July 2021
This low budget, no acting, borrowed items glued together randomly monstrosity is just bad. Not so bad it's good, just lazy to the point of no one involved should be proud of this.

We have scenes were they were shooting day for night by using a blue colour filter but then decided to include a guy with a torch... so they have an orange circle around the torch that shines through people.

The CGI is painful at points, the monsters skating and swimming. Nothing makes sense, as we can have a big Dino sneak right up to them with their little robot scanning the skyline. Whose footfalls shake the camera and come with a thunderous sound (that doesn't quite line up with the animation) and then as soon as the Dino is off camera it goes to ninja mode and silent again.

The conflicts between the people seem so stupid, just a fight at the 45 minute mark because we needed a fight here.

Stay away.
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8/10
An oddball classic
17 June 2021
I really enjoyed this series, having watched all eight episodes in an afternoon. Rob Riggle has gathered together a bunch of his friends to tell an over the top story that each one of them keeps trying to top the silly of the voice before.

The downside (and why it isn't for everyone) is that not every joke is solid enough to support the leap to the next. Usually the pace is enough that those rare misteps don't throw the show off course. I can't say that every scene in every episode will cause outrageous laughter. I can say I laughed at most of them without reservation.

But if you are not prepared for a show that spoofs a different genre every episode and isn't afraid to have subplots about mermaids or AI constructs that don't ever get mentioned in the next episode.

It's fun, it's silly and it didn't care about being grounded in anything beyond the reality of the moment.
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1/10
Terrible from narration on down to facts and terrible stock images
2 September 2020
I didn't pick to watch this. I found my aging (and I now suspect senile) father watching this fascinating documentary.

I thought, from the terrible reading, with strange pauses and pronunciation it was a science fiction spoof and I was waiting for the twist to make it fun. The first couple I saw where known fake alien horse-feathers. It's a potters wheel, not a turbine.

But it kept going. The YouTube video style of terrible reading over stock images as fakes, hoaxes and just overwhelming ignorance are presented. Many without any link to this 'therefore aliens' that seems to be the overall goal.

I am not a professional historian, but I took at least one more history course than the people behind this mess as so many of their mysteries are just not 'oooooh spooky Aliens!?!?'

How mad did watching this whole terrible pile of misinformation make me? I was driven to reset my password so I could leave this angry review of this terrible thing. One star is one and a half stars to many. The creator of this should come and do some work for me for a couple of hours to make back my time with internet.
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