Change Your Image
vargy
Reviews
Terror Toons (2002)
I am compelled to vomit
This was the biggest piece of crap ever.
Joe Castro has absolutely no talent...at all. I cannot believe that this many people actually got together to film this. I just keep thinking, 'if I was there at the time, if someone had asked me to act in this movie, or to have ANYTHING to do with it, wouldn't I have the decency to kill them before they could make it???' I just don't understand how this many people could willingly participate in something that made absolutely no sense. I mean, for one thing, wasn't Dr Carnage supposed to be trying to STOP his crazy monkey??? I guess that went out the window, along with every other piece of sense when these porno rejects decided to make this filth.
Also, who decided to make every scene take 3 times as long as it needed to, for example the lame tongue stud guy laughing to death at two strange looking muppets dancing for TEN MINUTES!!! By the way, how are all you actors not able to ACT like you're LAUGHING!!! Laughing is one of humanity's simplest emotions...yet you all looked like you were halfway between a smirk and a yawn whilst in the middle of a holocaust concentration camp, especially you blonde dude...BAD BAD acting!!! There are not enough words to describe how awful you all are at making movies. This wasn't even good enough to laugh at the badness...it transcended crap into a level where I actually felt horrible and dirty for having watched it, like I just lost some of my value as a human being.
I am disgusted.
Please never even look at a camera again. Any of you.
Miami Vice (2006)
Miami Vice is TERRIBLE!!! PLEASE don't waste your time!
OK...I just went to Miami Vice.
I generally go along to movies with expectations. I am pretty well read about movies and quite often will go into a movie thinking it is going to be amazing, and then get sorely disappointed. Sometimes I go into a movie thinking that it is going to totally suck, and then get pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it.
Miami Vice is NOT one of those movies.
To preface, let me just state that I thought this movie was going to suck. From the moment I saw the trailers, I didn't understand why they would make a movie based on a semi-OK 80s cop show. It had its moment, why couldn't Hollywood just let it fade into DVD fan obscurity??? Unfortunately, they couldn't leave well enough alone.
However, even though I had total expectations of EXTREME suckiness, I did not actually expect to be both viscerally disgusted and BORED to tears by a multi million dollar blockbuster movie! THIS IS THE SECOND WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN! (The first is Alexander...does anyone else see the Colin Farrell thread of responsibility here?) There is almost nothing to like about this 2 and a half HOUR monstrosity of a film. The acting (aside from Jamie Foxx...can anyone say 'Jamie WHY did you do this movie???) was AWFUL...the camera work looked as though the director had handed out Sony Handycams to a bunch of hyperactive land-dwelling seals and sent them out on location to shoot the movie (or as my friend noted, there must have been an extreme shortage of tripods in Hollywood at the time of filming, almost as bad as Blair Witch!), shaky and extremely grainy.
(side note...not all of the shooting was like this, only the shots that involved actual acting and/or characters in the shot. All the establishing and landscape shots were beautiful...too bad Michael Mann couldn't have let that influence the rest of the movie.) The sound editing was poor, you couldn't hear anything that the actors were saying, and they were mumbling the whole time anyway. That would have made a difference, if the storyline was at all interesting. There was ONE plot line, the whole painfully long movie, was about ONE event, and when the final huge gun-battle EVENTUALLY gets there, it is the most boring gunfight I've ever seen, as you have no idea who's shooting at who. There's no perspective, which is something that you could say about the whole movie.
It was also exceedingly bizarre that there are at least 5, possibly 6 sex scenes in the movie, 4 of which have absolutely nothing to do with progressing the story, and 0 of which are actually sexy or hot or appealing in any way. It's just a bunch of grunting and a close up camera shot of some woman's head moving up and down.
Bottom line: If I could make the whole world pay attention to me for ONE moment right now, I would use that moment to BEG everyone NOT to waste their money on this movie. PLEASE! DON'T DO IT TO YOURSELF! That is all